I think if your surroundings are always making you sick... you should move to Happier Times...lol.
Now that you've read my sad attempt at a joke I'll get into my thoughts of your poem. I like the idea behind the poem, but I did find some of your stanzas and word choices forced...as if you wrote them with the aches, pains and fever of the flu. I think with a little bit of editing any poet will be able to write you a prescription and cure the real underlying humor in your poem.
I really liked the symbolism of the bee and the flower. The kiss can be the bee extracting pollen from a dainty flower, both need this pollenation for life which can also be construed as love.
Let me be one of the first to welcome you to Writing.Com and may all of your experiences here be joyful ones.
I must borrow your harshest critic from time to time because I have the same discussions with the man in my mirror. I have to start my day off telling myself that I'm as handsome as I was yesterday if not more so, in order for me to have a good day. Yes I know a lot about low self-esteem.
Very rarely will I read a piece that leaves its own review as the last line. I can't do that to you because this parody is rather creative and I'm putting this in the Writing.Com Comedy Newsletter.
I hope you do find the cure...that all little boys and girls (adults too) can be free from this ailment. I know, when my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer all I wanted to do was find a cure. Her body is cancer-free now but she'll never be cancer-free again. This disease made our family look back on to the things that we do together and has strengthened us. I wish you and your son the best and I offer you all of my prayers.
The poem lost most of its coherence after about the third line.
Yes I do believe that death is the end of the journey, but since every day we are faced with new obstacles(risks to be taken) I think we'd all continue on living our lives tot he fullest extent possible. I think if we knew the exact moment and how we were going to die that we'd stop taking challenges.
I found this few paragraphs riddled with confusion, poor word usage and a lack of sentence structure. Now that the bad part of the review is over I want to mention the one strong point that I noticed.
If you could find yourself a thesaurus your descriptions could get better with practice.
I also think you should really concentrate on the differences of the day and night skies, turn them into living, breathing characters.
I hope this honest review only strenghtens your need for this wonderful website for us wannabe writers. Welcome to Writing.Com
I think you want to use "You're" instead of "Your" in most of the usages in this poem. I know this is a difficult thing and i make this mistake more times than not myself.
I liked the honesty in the poem, even if you are writing from the bottom of a broken heart...I know the feeling well.
This prose goes a long way of describing my heartfelt thoughts and emotions to a woman that I loved with all of my heart. As I believe in your writing these dreams aren't enough to give your life meaning.
I do suggest you make this piece longer by either giving your dreams more detail or maybe more descriptions to the massages and other romantic ideas.
I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me, but they seem to always happen to me while I'm at work hours away from my break or lunch time. So I look a little silly repeating a line to a poem until I can write it down. I even have excused myself to use the restroom just so I can write my idea down on a paper towel.
Isn't it funny what us writers will do just to keep an idea fresh?
In my honest opinion, this story needs a lot of revising. First thing I noticed is that your command of words is a little lacking like for instance in this sentence... Cautiously reaching down to his belt he upholsters his pistol Upholster is what you do to a couch, not a firearm.
The breaks in your story happen to quickly, there is no character development. Your scenes are lacking in details.
I hope you joined Writing.Com in order to improve as a writer, because I know I have in my four years here which is why I can feel confident in leaving you this review.
This was pretty funny and I'm going to put this in the Writng.Com Comedy Newsletter.
I really enjoyed reading this mixture of comedy, fantasy, mystery and romance and I can't wait to read even more of them in the near future. Poor Henry but where is this Lorie at, she sounds like my kind of woman...lol
And to think that you were a lowly Black case when you wrote this. This poem just goes to shoe that Moderators aren't born but created with wonderful prose, plenty of reviewing and community support...
with all of that said where are my gift points for getting you promoted...lol
And yeah I really liked the poem... writing without a vowel or a certain word is certainly tough and you did a fine job.
I could just write my normal "Simply Beautiful" but with a poem with such sharp thorns of desire that would hardly be fitting.
I could also say that I enjoyed this poem, but there again it wouldn't take into consideration all the time and energy you spent on writing this poem... so I will just say this...
I was captivated in every syllable of every word because who could think that one of the headings for one of my journal entries could turn into such an inspirational piece of poetry.
Keep writing and we'll see each other at the Writing.Com convention.
Well since you are going to wait until tomorrow to write this...I thought I'd hold back my five star rating until then...so I guess we are both are in a quandry...
May one of us see an end to this dilemna at the 2005 Writing.Com convention... I'll see you there.
I didn't expect the ending... I should try to remember this practical joke in the future. This story also reminds me of the joke that my dad's co-workers played on him. They gave him a phone message that a Mr. L.E Phant had called and gave him the number to the local zoo.
Looking forward to seeing you at the 2005 Writing.Com convention
her memory will live on in everything that you do. She will never be forgotton just because she know longer breathes the same air as we do, but I can bet she is Heaven making sure everything will be in order when all of her family is finally reunited.
In keeping with my prompt, I too, won't use the very letter I forbid you.
Your poem spoke to me like the blue-green surf tortured by the pull of the moon on this sphere we live on. The emotions brought on by these words has me longing to put my wet feet on foreign, but dry soil.
Churn the shore of the written word for future prompts.
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