I like the way the main characters respect their mother and don't ask about the 3 million dollars - a secret I'm sure not many people would be able to keep. The brothers seem to have a close relationship, which you've depicted well.

The section where you provide a brief history on the mother's background can be expand on if you ever feel like taking the story further. The brothers obviously had a strong relationship with their mother, which is also something that could be developed a bit further. Consider adding a few more details about their relationship and why the brothers are willing to keep the secret.

This is a good story and I like the way you tackled the prompt. It was interesting to see how you depicted the different relationships going on in this piece. The line "Should I put my hair up? Do you like it when I put it up?" made me understand Josh's character a bit more and why he allows himself to be so easily influenced by Jenny. It's almost like he is looking for approval here.

You brought the main character’s anger about Jenny’s manipulation across well. There is definitely potential to expand on this story and you might consider providing more evidence of the manipulation, allowing your audience to better understand exactly what triggered so much frustration and anger. I also think Jenny’s character is enhanced by her dialogue - she seems to be somewhat intense when she says "He's a pathetic weak little liar!", and then she's quite abrupt with her apology. Well done.

This piece has a very interesting storyline - the subtle twist at the end really got me thinking about this prompt in a completely new way. At first I thought your main character was consumed with thoughts of the man in her dreams and in the end it become clear that your main character is in fact the dream. The change is so gentle I originally thought you had made an error by saying "As he awakes from his slumber....", instead of "As I wake from my slumber..." - it made for a pleasant surprise and it feels like the story is keeping a secret of it's own.

The main character seems to be obsessed with this man and I think you've captured that well with the little details you've included. I like the way you focus on their relationship and how they interact with each other in this dream world you've created.

This is a well written piece, with few grammatical errors and no spelling errors. Well done.

Wow! What a twist at the end. You had me guessing the whole way through about the outcome and I was truly surprised. I knew your main character was ill from all the references to weight loss and having to wheel herself around, but I wasn't sure if Allen would turn out to be real or not. You've used the prompt well and because I didn't know where the story was headed I felt like it was revealing a secret as I read along. Excellent!

This is a very descriptive piece, which allows readers to create vivid images in their minds. You hook a reader from the beginning. There is a lot of detail and I think this story could benefit from a few sentences being split into shorter, sharper sentences. You've done a wonderful job though and this was an enjoyable read.

After reading your story I thought about the line, "What I didn't know then, and wish I didn't know now...", quite a bit and I'm certain it's true for many. It's evident your character had to grow up extremely quickly. Your interpretation of the prompt is a good one and you've touched on some of the most devastating secrets family members can keep from each other.

You definitely have potential to expand on this piece - especially with respect to the characters. As a reader I'd like to know a bit more about them and how they cope with keeping such dark secrets. Even though your story deals with a big family, I think you've already pointed out some key people who play an important role in your main character's life. I like the first person point of view.


My family always had their fair share of problems. Five boys and four girls growing up in a small house with an abusive father. The boys were wild, and three of the four girls got pregnant while still in high school.

You've revealed a lot within these three sentences and I think with a bit of editing you can make it more hard hitting and tighten up your writing so it flows more freely. Here's my suggestion for editing My family always had their fair share of problems - five boys and four girls growing up in a small house with an abusive father. The boys were wild and three of the girls fell pregnant while in high school.

There are the stories where all of them share one bathroom, or how there were only three beds for the entire family, and most of all the stories of how their parents always forgot about their birthdays.

Again, I would suggest a bit of editing. There are stories of them sharing a bathroom and only three beds between the entire family. And there are the stories of their parents always forgetting about their birthdays.

and found out that she stole around thirty thousand dollars

I've read over this sentence a few times now and it feels like there is a tense change towards the end. I'd suggest changing it to "she had stolen around thirty thousand dollars".

accusing things back obnoxiously

Perhaps "throwing accusations back obnoxiously" would work better here.

Everyone tried for months, they wrote letters, sent her a birthday card, still, but she never responded.

I've noticed quite a few unnecessary commas throughout this piece and I would suggest going over it to eliminate some of them. Here for instance, you might consider splitting this sentence into two and revising the use of the word "still". "But" could also be replaced with "and" Everyone tried for months. They wrote letters, sent her a birthday card and still she never responded.

He cost himself the own loss of his family, because his wife left him and immediately took him to court.

In this sentence the word "cost" suggests that he had to give something up or lost something, therefore I would change it to "He cost himself his family, because..."

Around this time in my life, where all these stories were wrapping together

"where" should be "when"

living at mother's parent's house

"parent's" should be "parents", unless the mother only had one parent.

told be never to tell anyone

"be" should be "me".

I admitted back to my mother

The word "back" is unnecessary.

two months later never saying another

A comma or hyphen after "later" would create a pause for effect.

Overall, this is a good, emotional piece.

Good luck in the contest!