I was intrigued enough by your poem and by the title and description of this piece to check it out...
I didn't like it.
I'm sorry, but the writing and punctuation are really terrible and chock full of errors. There is no consistency to the plot, things are just all over the place.
There were no details to anything. The protagonist escapes, but how he does it is very unclear.
The whole story is nothing but a series of statements.
It's like -
The protagonist escapes. Why are you pretending to show us this escape scene but not tell us anything about it other than that he has a key, from which he has asked some questions (Check the meaning of your words and pick the one you were really after...).
Then it's already over and states he was chased. Why were we not shown this harrowing chase? Why is the chase over? What, the guards in this super secret facility just threw their shoulders and decided that they're not getting paid enough to do this? This doesn't make sense, you didn't think any of this through.
Then, for no good reason, there's a pretty random info dump about the ward, which doesn't actually really even contain any information. This chapter should really just be about the escape, and about the characters. Tell the reader about what is going on right now, and tell about what these characters are doing and how they are reacting to all this that is happening to them. Save backstory for later chapters, when the reader already relates to these characters and can see through their eyes what life in the ward was like.
Besides, this info dump about the ward being fairly new and the parents being duped, doesn't even sound like anything the protagonist would even know about. His info dump should be based on his own limited knowledge and experience. You can find other ways to later describe these kinds of details.
Then he stands around with his buddies. Where? In the woods? What does this mean, exactly? It's the woods in night time, they are on a pulse pounding run from pretty much the only terrible world they have ever known, they have just been chased, maybe running for their lives... What do they already know about these woods? What's their previous relationship with the area? Are they allowed to make walks here during the day? Or is this all new? What do these creepy woods at night look like to these airheads?
Then, collectively knowing pretty much F-all about the world, they way too quickly and easily decide on names. And why not give them characters along with those names? You know, why does that one guy look like Charlie, what does it mean to Brian to look like a Charlie? Right now these guys are as empty as the numbers which suit them better.
The protagonist had previously never seen the girl wearing a dress, so why was she wearing it now? Where did it come from? Was she already wearing it when he opened her cell door? Was it even a cell? How much freedom did these guys have in their life? Did the girl wear the dress often, and Charlie was just never allowed to see her in it? Or did she just somehow acquire it during the escape? Where? How? What did she think about it? Had she seen dresses in movies and had always wanted to wear one herself and was now all giddy about it?
Then they hike across a bit of woods and board a train. Where is the train? I'm assuming it's some super-secret, private "ward" platform. What does such a place look like? A foreboding slab of concrete hugged by the gnarly woods? Or a boring old train station which looks like nothing to us, but is something these doofuses have never seen before. In any case, it can hardly be that they feel nothing about it.
What's the train like? A modern passenger train with cushioned seats and all the luxuries? These guys slump down on those and giggle all relaxed, because they don't even fathom what danger they are in? Is it a freight train with cattle-cars and they feel like they're entering just another cage?
This was really bad, but not beyond fixing. You just need to think a bit more deeply about it before it can work. But it can. It has potential. I encourage you to tear this to shreds and fill it with much needed meat. Ask yourself WHY things are what they are, and if they make sense. And do not tell the story from your perspective, but from the perspective of your living, breathing characters with their own limited views. That's how you fix the story.
Learning to write actual working sentences would be great, too, but I have no idea how, or where, anyone learns about that...
Good luck, with whatever. |
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