Hi Aelyah
I ran into this through Random Review, and I can see I am in the middle of a story, and will of course take that into consideration.
First of all – This is VERY far away from how I write, so take any comment I make with a grain of salt (cum grano salis).
Overall: I am really impressed with the change between dialogue and action, as well as the action kept into small sentences, which causes the more fast paced action moments. Some of the times they do seem a bit too short though, leaving a lot of room to thoughts of the reader. And since it is action packed there is not always room for the reader to make such thoughts, before jumping to the next part of dialogue. After having read through the whole text I feel in a mood to read a bit more, since I am left with a lot of unsolved questions. Overall I really liked the plot through containing the small riddles that the characters quickly discovered. Maybe you could give some more text as breath between the riddles. They almost get solved the instant the reader sees them.
A few grammatical thoughts:
How do they know there is another guard at rose’s room? is it also something from earlier?
I would say inside or into Rose’s room instead of slippped
What do you mean by the fireplace openened, dark – As in the fireplace opened either illuminating the dark behind or opened into darkness?
“Stoian turned to him and asked, impatience showing in his voice.” I would add with impatience in his voice
“Stoian's mirth left, and Alexander looked at him in wonder. He never saw Stoian so serious.” Here I would write that he had never seen Stoian so serious before. (you can skip the before)
“They tiptoed to avoid leaving any trace and exited through the back door. They reached the stables and entered through the servants' gate. “ This is the first Boxed sentence you make, where you make the reader make a halt in his reading, try to revise it to make a more fluent construction.
In the next sentence, Alexander just follows without any hesitation or thought – Is that what you would do?
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