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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thylacine737
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41 Public Reviews Given
41 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review of Voices  
Review by Thylacine
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very well written and you stuck to the parameters of the writing competition perfectly. There were a few spelling errors :

"The ancient building sat upon the hill, it's" ... its not it's
"Clank"....needs a (.) at the end
"get in the way of his judgement"...judgment is spelled incorrectly

Beyond those small issues I thought you did an amazing job using a few words and drawing such a clear picture.
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Review of Art  
Review by Thylacine
Rated: E | (3.0)
I honestly thought when I read the description on the review request page, that this was a Dorian Gray inspired piece of fiction. Instead, I find an inspirational speech giving a direction to your life. I was a beautifully written thought that you decided to share with everyone. I found no grammatical errors. The only advice that I could give you is to explain further and use more examples to your painting simile to actual personal experience. Put a little more of yourself into the piece. That's how you drag a reader in.
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Review by Thylacine
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I think this was an excellent idea, and should do a lot to help writers stay inspired and work on their writing goals.
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Review by Thylacine
Rated: E | (1.5)
I have to admit I had a very difficult time reading this story. It seems as if you have a very interesting story worked out in your head. It just seems as if you're having some problems getting it down on paper. You've done a good job or writing out the scenery. Though you may want to work on explaining it more to your reader as a story and less like a history book. A way to work on this problem is to tell your tale from a person's perspective rather than from a narrator's point of view.

The general sentence structure throughout the piece has problems as well. I found many run-on sentences, incorrect or awkward word usage, and some sentences beginning with 'But' and other improper choices (which is only permitted within dialogue). Most of this can be worked out by simply reading the story aloud.

Imagine someone is sitting in front of you enraptured by your story. You need to paint them a picture so they understand everything. Obviously you don't want to talk down to your reader, but comprehend they they have no foreknowledge of what is going on in your head. I mean even Tolkein took a moment to explain what Hobbits were. Also, don't forget to use you senses. You want your reader to become completely emerged in your story. Make them not only see what's going on around you main characters. Make them smell the city smells, taste the food and drink, etc. Choose someone in your story, it doesn't have to be the main character- though that is simplest. Have that person describe everything around them. You want your reader to sit there for hours reading but for them to groan at that last page because they want more.

I hope this helps, and if you want me to have another look at it once you've had a chance to do a re-write, just send me a message. Don't let my review discourage you. A passion for writing is the first step in the right direction, Write on.
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Review by Thylacine
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First off, you asked about good sites for Civil War era Northern dialect. This one is great for picking up the everyday slang and whatnot. - http://www.thedialectdictionary.com/view/letter/Am...
This is a more in depth one, and made for writers- http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~...

Secondly, the piece, so far, seems well researched. The writing is still very rough however. Below are just a few of the grammatical and structure problems I found.

He walked at the column of his troops. - you might consider changing 'at' to 'towards'
He had commanded and driven of Northern soldiers, - 'of' should be changed to 'off'
Men marched behind him and front. - Awkward sentence, perhaps "In front, as well as behind, men marched with him.

The voices are believable and have a ring of truth to them but without the proper structure of the dialogue it's difficult to follow the flow of conversation.
For example -

Before :
They advanced through the thick wooded forest. Ned looked around for Bucky, but he hadn't seen him anywhere. He sat down on his trench when he saw thousands of grey uniformed rebels advancing towards him.

'' Soldiers.... Fire!!! ''

'' Now, Duck!! '' Kenneth shouted.

Most of his men ducked but the rest were too late to obey his orders. Many fell down by the instant struck of a bullet.

'' Charge at the Yankees!!! Brave men of the South!!! '' The Columbian shouted.

His men let such out a terrifying yell that it almost reached to the Northern lines.

The Union Soldiers loaded and fired at any advancing confederate they could see coming through.

'' Don't let them get your morale low men! Kill those Yankess in their trenches!! '' Kenneth shouted.

'' Now, charge!!! ''

As scores of Confederates died, more came to replace them. Most of Jack's men managed to attack the trench.

'' Soldiers.... engage!!! '' He ordered and shot another Confederate.

Ned gripped his rifle tightly. He let out a yell and went over the trench, stabbing a Confederate soldier in the heart. He kicked out another charging Rebel solider and whacked him in the shin with the butt of his rifle.

'' Texans!!! Get in the trenches! '' The Major ordered as he leapt into the trench, he saw a dozen Union Soldiers hoisting their muskets at him. He grinned, and then attacked.

'' Baster! Where's Baster? '' The Colonel shouted in urgency. He then saw Baster's horse without the rider.

They'd have to hold the line until reinforcements arrived, he guessed.



After:
Confederates advanced through the thick wooded forest. Ned looked around for Bucky, but he hadn't seen him anywhere. He sat down on his trench when he saw thousands of grey uniformed rebels advancing towards him and quickly gave the call, '' Soldiers.... Fire!!! ''

'' Now, Duck!! '' Kenneth shouted. Most of his men ducked but the rest were too late to obey his orders. Many fell down, instantly struck by a bullet.

'' Charge at the Yankees!!! Brave men of the South!!! '' The Columbian shouted. His men let out such a terrifying yell that it almost reached to the Northern lines.

The Union Soldiers loaded and fired at any advancing confederate they could see coming through.

'' Don't let them get your morale low men! Kill those Yankess in their trenches!! '' Kenneth shouted. '' Now, charge!!! ''

As scores of Confederates died, more came to replace them. Most of Jack's men managed to attack the trench.'' Soldiers.... engage!!! '' He ordered and shot another Confederate.

Ned gripped his rifle tightly. He let out a yell and went over the trench, stabbing a Confederate soldier in the heart. He kicked out another charging Rebel solider and whacked him in the shin with the butt of his rifle.

'' Texans!!! Get in the trenches! '' The Major ordered as he leapt into the trench, he saw a dozen Union Soldiers hoisting their muskets at him. He grinned, and then attacked.

'' Baster! Where's Baster? '' The Colonel shouted in urgency. He then saw Baster's horse without the rider. They'd have to hold the line until reinforcements arrived, he guessed.

Even this is still a bit confusing. The only sure way to tell it clearly to the reader would be to split the POVs into two separate parts. Flipping between multiple POV (points of view) is really confusing and most publishers are going to ask you to fix before they will consider publishing. You could choose one southerner and one northerner to tell your POV for that side of the war efforts.

I know this is really long but I hope it helps, and if there is some part of my babbling that I wasn't completely clear on, feel free to message me. I hope this was a help.
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Review by Thylacine
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I preferred this to the story I earlier reviewed. You see more clearly what is going on, the men's voices are clearer, and conversation flow is excellent. Your abilities don't seem to lay in chapter work, but I would recommend to you trying script writing. To form this into a short story or novella would basically call for a complete overhaul of the work you now have. If you were interested in attempting a script, you basically already have one. I don't know if you've ever attempted to write one, but if you were to take place the setting into parenthesis at the beginning and place the name of the speaker at the beginning of their dialogue that's basically what you already have. You seem to have a thorough knowledge of the subject matter, that allows the reader to just follow along with the rapid pace of the conversation. Very nicely done.
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Review by Thylacine
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I will say right off the bat, that I haven't read any of your other work. I merely saw this on the review request page, so I'm sure not having read the previous 4 parts would take something away from it. However from what I have read I did manage to get a grasp on your general writing abilities.You have a very poetic way of writing and the words you chose to describe something do indeed paint a picture. However, the sentence structure and grammatical errors left something to be desired. Many of the sentences seemed more like a list than a fully thought out sentence. You may want to go back, slow down the thought, and draw it out. If it can't be said alone and make sense than it isn't a proper sentence.

Example 1-.Wind whipped squalls, ragged precursors of the west storm, drop occasional rain, fat with promise, and all three men are grateful for rugged boots and oilskin coats.
Ex 2-The gramophone sits defiantly on the corner of the lobby counter, William Patrick has had no ‘ear for music’, dances poorly, half listens to whatever band plays in the background
Ex 3-She has the flax colour head and the high-cheeked defined bone structure, the long face, the blue eyes of the Frisian /Saxon cross.

These are just 3 random sentences I picked. There are more like these throughout. Here are some possible solutions.
1- (squalls means gust of wind so I will assume you mean sails) The wind whipped sails are ragged precursors to the western storm. Occasional rain drops fat with promise and all three men are grateful for their rugged boots and oilskin coats.

2-The gramophone sits defiantly on the corner of the lobby counter. William Patrick has never had an 'ear for music', dances badly, and only half listens to whatever band plays in the background.

I hope this helps and sincerely wasn't intended as criticism. Merely an attempt to help a fellow writer.
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Review of Inferno  
Review by Thylacine
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Certainly grabs your attention from start to end, and evokes plenty of emotion. I thought you did an excellent job on this poem. The only thing that I would consider changing if I were you would be to switch the placing of earth and ground.

'The ground trembled, and the air shrieked.
Rain pounded the earth heartlessly.'

Seemed to flow better in my opinion. I hope this helps.
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Review of Zena's Interview  
Review by Thylacine
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I thought it was really interesting and whetted my appetite to read more about Zena. I found a few grammatical errors which are listed below and I hope help you out before you submit your interview in the contest. Good Luck!


“Well what do you tend to do?”- should be 'intend'

"She was a nice woman to..."- should be 'too'

"My first time was something of an accident, as I had a sour throat..." should be 'sore'

"I saved from a damned rapist over forty years."- need to add 'ago' to the end of the sentence




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of The Path We Chose  
Review by Thylacine
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A comma placed here would rid the reader of some confusion-
"When he realised what the high pitched noise was, he moaned ..."
I was a very interesting tale and I quite enjoyed after I understood where it was going. I noticed a few grammatical errors which I have posted below. I hope this will help out some.

A word change is necessary here-
"As he begun to ..." - should be changed to 'he began to' or 'he had begun to'

And here-
"who was talking at Mark about some kind of idea ..."- 'at' should be 'to'

Awkward sentence here-
" He put nearby for an ambulance..."


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by Thylacine
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Again the additions were perfect. You can really feel the bond between them. Angelina and Colin's relationship has such a spark to it. The conversation flow is excellent, and you just fly straight through it and feel like you are sitting right there with them. Don't leave me waiting too long. I can't wait to read your newest installment on Angelina.
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Review by Thylacine
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the additions with the family members. It allows you to get to know them much more than the original did. I can see Pa in the dad when reading this. I don't identify Colin with anyone, but I always loved him as a character. It also shows you a different side to her mother before everything changes.
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Review by Thylacine
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It is intriguing, getting your mouth wet for more. You know this was always my favorite out of everything you've written and i can't wait to see more. Get me back to the masked ball at least :D I think I've been pretty patient.
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Review of First Date  
Review by Thylacine
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Very male bizarre , but it was definitely like I was sitting in a bar listening to a couple of guys yuck it up. Each word that they spoke was completely male, if you know what I mean. I wouldn't change a thing. The hello kitty stuff I didn't get, but I'm a woman and I'm guessing it's a man joke. As far as where you could possibly send it for publish I would go with men's magazines. Hey, that's where Stephen King got his start, so you can't go wrong following in the King of Horror's footsteps right? :D
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Review of The Blood Rose  
Review by Thylacine
Rated: E | (3.5)
First of all, let me say I love the title, it really jumps out at you. I really enjoyed the parts involving Edward and Phillip. I think you wrote young Edward perfectly, especially when he ran off to sulk over being given to a family and having to leave and he jerked his hood up. The only suggestion I would give is slow down and give more description and feeling. At moments it felt like you were rushing through. I hope this helps and if you do make revisions can you let me know. I would love to read it.
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Review of Caster's Quest  
Review by Thylacine
Rated: E | (4.0)
It was very intriguing, and I have to say as someone who has also done a fantasy story involving the fey, that I love the fact that you used the Celtic name Aisling. I would say suggest that you put a little back story to her. I felt kind of like I had been dropped into the middle instead of reading the beginning. I hope this helps and I will look forward to more.
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Review of A Man and a Guru  
Review by Thylacine
Rated: E | (3.5)
It was a very deep tale in its own unique way. As your lesson is about the differences in all of God's creatures, however, I would have each of the gurus give the man their own interpretations to the questions the man asks. And maybe to keep the reader with you, you should include some of the exercises and lessons that they teach him. I mean that you should add not take anything away or change what is there now. It would also allow the husband and brother to become real characters to the reader instead of just an abstract thing in the background. I hope this is of some help to you.
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Review by Thylacine
Rated: E | (3.5)
Your description of the scene was good, but it needs something more to reach the reader on a deeper level. It's something thats hard to explain. It's like a feeling. The story is there and it's good, but it needs more than the five senses. You don't feel empathy. This is your canvas but it needs the paint of your emotions to be a piece of art. This may sound idiotic and perhaps I'm not explaining it right but I hope that this helps and if it does I hope you let me know by sending me a message. I would love to read a revision. Like I said you have an excellent ability of laying out the scene. I would even recommend writing plays for the precise way that you write.
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Review by Thylacine
Rated: E | (3.0)
Your descriptions were great, you have an excellent ability of explaining the scenery and the physical characteristics of your characters. The only issue that I had while reading it was following along with your main idea. Someone once gave me a great bit of advice and told me I had to stand outside of myself when re-reading something I wrote. You can't assume, especially with sci-fi, that the reader is going to know about everything in your story. Some things require a bit of explanation. This is, of course, a tricky thing because people want to easily understand while not being spoken down to. I hope this helps.
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