I love poetry about the natural world so it got my attention right away. Water flows into greater bodies of water and I got the impression this piece followed that same natural flow. It went from dwindling supplies to a trickle to a babbling brook and continued to gain speed from there.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
Many of the great poets rose to fame by spouting their love of the natural world. This piece reminds me of Walt Whitman. It does seem this poem indeed runs deep. I followed my thoughts into a stream of consciousness and this piece follows that same direction. A kernel of a thought that starts small but grows into something bigger.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
I'm not sure there is a greater meaning in this piece other than the appreciation of how the water expands and takes on a life of it's own much like many the course of life. That's the way I interpreted this piece at least.
Glows:
It was well written and followed a methodology. My favorite part was seeing it come off the craggy mountaintop to a warm trickle and a an established direction. It was beautiful.
The property seems pretty desolate. I love the idea of abandon construction equipment. The setting of the house draws me and the disbelieving tone of the characters. It seems like they always have the best stories in the horror genre. The way Julie and Peter play on each other's imagination makes me think something creepy is definitely going to happen.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
It definitely holds my suspense, especially when they enter the salon and nothing has been touched. I wonder if this is going to be a straight up horror piece or if other genres like science fiction will work themselves in. I also wonder about Julie's character. Is another entity enticing her not so say anything yet or is she making that decision of her own free volition?
Was there a clear purpose to it?
It's a classic horror piece complete with a house on the hill. A young vivacious couple moves into a cheap property and has no idea the scene their moving into. I'm interested to see how this is going develop. The suspense is killing me..hehe.
Glows:
The description of the salon is wonderful and I am intrigued enough to review the other chapters later after GoT is over. It's an interesting story and I wonder how much scarier it gets.
I am definitely sensing she has been in touch with other worldly entities. Did one of them entice her to take the bottle or did she take it of her own volition? It's an ominous situation and am wondering how it will get resolved. Oh! The promontory is off their property! I didn't catch that in the first review. I have the same buring question, is it evil or just an adventure? I like the idea of it being a time warp machine but we'll see how the story develops!
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
I'm going come back to this story when the contest is done. Yes, I think the story is pretty good and holds the reader's' attention throughout. I wonder which way the story is going to go.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
It still holds much suspense but now the house is more alive than it was and starting to suck Peter and Julie into its history. Is it benevolent or other worldly? I guess the story will reveal itself as I continue to read.
Glows:
The story stays riveting through chapter 2. I want to keep going. I love the way Julie and Peter play off each other. I always think that' the mark of great writing when you can really get an idea of who the characters are. The dialog went a long way in painting their character development.
Awesome beginning to such a sad ending. Was this an interculatural romance? I thought it was going to lament towards a former relationship but it turned into something unexpected and different.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
I think this is the perfect piece to speak to people who are either going through or have gone through a casual romance. No pressure to make it something other than what it was. No acrimony or hate is such a powerful statement that we can live in the moment and let go when its needed. My only word of caution is make sure it's understood at the outset. It probably wouldn't speak to those who believe in traditional family value type relationships, but probably not the audience for this piece anyway.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
To me, it was about keeping feelings in perspective and be able to protect yourself when engaging in a romance that wasn't meant to go anywhere. I love that you ended it on a high note, hate is not yet commonplace. Let it go before it gets there.
Glows:
You started each verse with the same repetition. I actually haven't seen that done too much which somewhat surprises me.
I feel so connected to my past in reading this piece. I don't miss the insecurities that young live makes us feel about ourselves. I don't miss the fear, secret crushes and did you or do you keep slam books? Are those still a thing? The author will get through this on the other side and be wiser and stronger for it. This piece makes me remember my great, young loves.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
You write about your vulnerabilities and they are what makes us human and imperfect. I think many readers can identify with your bravery. Putting words to our fears makes us feel less alone. You will get through this, even if you don't. Of course now looking at the date you wrote this, I wonder what do you think now? Have you had a chance to reflect on this experience and if so what was the outcome?
Was there a clear purpose to it?
Expressing your desire to know if you have a chance with this love or do you walk away and find someone else who gets you? I think all of us women have to face that one time or another in our life.
I could see this playing out on an episode of CSI or Law and Order. Really cool scene! Love the inner dialog and the motivation behind it. Creative use of a dialog contest for sure!
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
I think it's a great piece for anyone who wants to get in the mind of a killer with some sort of psychosis. It's an awesome example of what could go on inside of someone having to come to terms with killing a totally innocent person.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
A good example of something to read for a dialog contest.
Glows:
I love that John seems to be talking to someone else before you realize he's talking to himself in the mirror. The only thing that gave it away was the title.
Grows: Tag:
For me on a side note, I have not figured out how to write internal diaglog when I'm making characters talk to themselves. I see other writers make the same mistakes I get called out on and try to bring it to their attention. This is the first example I've seen where I get what other reviewers are telling me. You put the sentences in active voice and italicized them so it was instructional for me to see it that way.
Had to read this one. I used to cut class all the time. In fact, my friends and I used to drive around our high school parking lots doing figure eights before school started blasting Pink Floyd. Oddly enough, we got suspended for writing and publishing an underground zine. And then, I became one of those arrogant teachers, ha!
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
This is a brilliant piece of work, putting us in the mind of one of the disenfranchised. I hated school too. My teachers put me in special education and I had to go to junior college to find out I was smart.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
There is purpose in what you right. You might be a loner at the school you're at, but the world now holds I think 6 billion people. Your tribe is out there and as far as hating the human race, it can bring out the worst. Modern media doesn't help showcasing unusual circumstances on a twenty four hour news cycle but people are both good and bad. Not everyone is worthy of hate, reserve that for the few that really are. Even then, I would say, watch that tendency carefully because life is like a battery, it takes both the positive and negative to make it go.
Glows:
Keep fighting the fit, Introverts Unite!
Grows: Tag:
Miscellaneous Comments:
I will tell you school doesn't allow much flexibility for non-conformity but if you can hang in there and go to college, even if it's just junior college, I can tell by your writing that you're smart. School is a fishbowl and life is a much greater ocean that you are just now beginning to cross.
For some reason, it reminds me of James Dean (before his rise to fame) meets Christine. I like that you ended with L.A. Dark like it's his street name or something.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
It's a clever way to experiment with rhyming and it's an entertaining enough piece. I don't think it's half bad. I'm not sure if some of the readers would be wholly accepting of the line dead bitches but if you don't care, then I for your style of writing, I don't either.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
You clearly layed out that it was an experiment with rhyming. But, it has a story to it as well.
Glows:
Grows:
nothing rhymed with booze. There are some possibilities though: lose, cruise, refuse, etc. So maybe you could add an extra line to just round it out for good measure.
Miscellaneous Comments:
You could even turn this into a longer piece. Like a graphic novel even and make him an anti-hero or some sort of villain names L.A. Dark. I mean that name is like a comic book or graphic novel waiting to be written. But, if you do write it and it goes big, I'm totally telling my sons that it was my idea. Just sayin..It's late and thanks for letting me ramble..
I am totally and extroverted introvert!I have told people that for the longest time and they just laugh but it's totally true. It's probably why I like to write reviews. I'm lucky in that I've travelled my life with friends who I have known since middle school, and I'm 39 now. But, it takes me a long time to make friends with adults for the very reasons you talk about here: not fitting in, losing my nerve. So, I read not too long ago that it takes different muscles in the brain to have a face to face conversation than it does speaking to large groups or even over the Internet.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
It's a fascinating sociological account of personalities like ours. There's probably more of us types out there than we think.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
To explain the ability to be both extroverted and introverted simultaneously. I learned about Carl Jung and his thoughts on these types of behaviors.
Glows:
I definitely feel connected to this piece. It's cool to see someone else that has actually articulated these concepts and used them to describe themselves.
Psalms and Ecclesiastes are my favorite books in the bible. He is everything we need and more than we deserve because he the ultimate sort of selfless love. Even non-Christians could support that idea I'm sure.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
I recommend this piece to other Christians looking for a creative way to express their love for Jesus. I would hope non-believers could get postive sentiments from participating in an exercise of writing their own psalm. It's a great tool for reflection.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
Jesus is there for us in our darkest hours. It's funny, we forget his humanity in his divinity. He was scared and expressed fear in the Garden before the Romans took him away to his death. He didn't want to go. But, he did. Those are the examples I think about. We are weak and made to suffer. We don't know why exactly but you either accept that there is a greater purpose behind it or you don't.
Glows:
It's a beautiful exercise. I love the line in the darkest of my nights, you were the brightest light. It's beautiful to think of the North star or a beacon light in a lighthouse. It is dark here and that is exactly why I need the light.
I love the sentiment of the road less traveled in this piece and the nod to Robert Frost. Also, I loved the thread of reflection on operating with kindness.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
Yes, I think self-love is the hardest and most noble pursuit we can undertake. We are all reflections of greater works, or at least that's my belief, but we seem to revel in the things that tarnish us. A quick example: I got excommunicated from bunco for being unrelatable and that was in part because I wouldn't talk negatively about my other friends. Sometimes, it's a lonely road to live in pursuit of higher relationships but it's also the only one worth traveling because at the end of the day, it's not our friends and family who help determine our next path, it's us.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
It spoke to me of the need for self-reflection and finding a pathway towards enlightenment and love.
Glows:
The purpose behind this piece inspires me to want to know myself and keep the path close to my univeral truth: love, light and kindness illuminate us in a dark and deeply terrifying existence.
Grows:
I would describe the settings more since we can't see it like in italics before the scene starts. It's always easier to immerse myself in stories that give vivid descriptions the scenes. It also helps me to understand time and characters.
it's cute idea to turn such a popular christmas poem around to fit kittens. I'm sure that would be a popular contest piece at Christmas time. I also love the visuals of the kittens jumping from chandeliers. I don't know that you'll fight against kittens. lol. It's a cute piece of animal poetry.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
It's a fun Christmas time treat. I would think people who love kittens and Christmas would love this.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
It's a tale of losing a pet only to find it sleeping soundly. It's totally something I would do.
Glows:
There is a lot of action in this piece: noises in the kitchen, climbing on the ornaments, grabbed stockings and flung, etc. I love the antics of the kitten, they make me laugh. I hope she settled down and became a good and ordinary house cat. I'm glad she was found to be sleeping peacefully.
Grows: Tag:
I'd use punctuation just to let me know where the pauses should be. I assumed at the ends of the lines since it followed a good meter.
Miscellaneous Comments:
I bet it is hard to keep elegant things around with mischievous kittens running abound!
I think the Lord of the Rings Trilogy is the best adaption of a book ever made! I love the poem written in Arwen's perspective, a love that she knows she is losing to a greater purpose. What a great idea!
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
Absolutely, anything written for the Lord of the Rings universe is a poem worth sharing. I love that trilogy! I think it's important to expose people to this universe because it challenges us to be better people.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
I felt Arwen's pain in this piece. She knows she's going to lose Aragorn and is willing to let him go to save his people. She believes in what he needs to do enough to leave. It's so selfless. I feel that purpose, especially in the last line the day Middle Earth is no longer seen from the shore.
Glows:
The Arwen/Aragorn romance is one of the greats of modern romanticism and my personal fantasy favorite. You did a great job of extending Arwen's feelings and emotions when she realizes she's going to lose Aragorn completely to this quest.
Grows: Tag:
Miscellaneous Comments:
I loved the translations and your attempts to write in their native language.
At the beginning, I felt like there was going to be some tension between Ben and Paula but I was proven wrong. You did a great job of building discomfort in the beginning. Then to find out it was really with the young son and his fear coming to reality.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
It's an interesting horror/sci-fi piece. I think a lot of readers would enjoy reading the monster under the bed angle.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
I loved the beginning but I kind of lost when you described the earth. They live in the future and have unchecked global warming. Is that somehow related to the monster? Did the global warming create it? I was trying to figure out how the global warming contributed to the greater story arc.
Glows:
It's a creative spin on a child's common fear of monsters hiding under beds. I loved the beginning, I think you set the tone for a creepy story well.
Grows:
I think I would tie idea of global warming into the monster somehow or make it so they can't leave the house to go outside without some protective suits, and maybe the monster is making it hard to get to them. Just an idea.
Nature poems, especially ones about animals always engage me. I can see a picture window looking out into a garden or an outdoor area of some sort that has been organized for the betterment of wildlife in your area. I used to watch the fights break out between the cardinals and blue jays over food and the blue jays would win every time. Of course, they were dominant enough to chase cats so other birds certainly didn't pose a threat to them. I've never heard of a Junco so I must look one up now.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
I love to read others' works on nature. The natural landscape is a source of inspiration to many of us aspiring poets. It's beautiful and sustaining, and magical.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
It seemed to be a tribute to a Junco. I think they might be birds that dig but I'm going to have find that out. I wonder if you're a snowbird missing you're original home. Florida is a popular spot for them. It seemed like the missing the Junco was more of a longing for home with lines like I thought perhaps I caught a glimpse of a Junco but they don't migrate to Florida.
Glows:
It was a sentimental poem about a bird that I bet is native to your original home and its making you feel homesick. I think most people have felt that way one time or another.
Horse stories are always such nice pieces to read. They always seem to bring out the most compassion and caring from our human characters. This piece showed Lisa to be exactly that, an owner who loved her horse as much as any friend could.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
One of my favorite stories growing up was Black Beauty. This story reminded me of how passionately I once felt about horses. I've never had the privlege to own one but they are beautiful and majestic creatures deserving of our kindness and respect. I always loved the connection between horses and humans since then.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
It was simply about a girl who showed sympathy and compassion to her sick horse. I think it's important that we support stories that show moments of kindness and compassion towards animals.
Glows:
It was well written and you really chose dialog that highlighted how Lisa felt about her horse.
Grows:
It didn't rivet me to the edge of my seat but I suppose that wasn't its intended purpose. It was a sweet account of a horse that meant a great deal to our main character Lisa.
I love a good Halloween piece! You capture the night so well, I feel like I'm there. Every year we get warnings to keep our pets indoors. It's funny to me to see that worked in.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
It's a great description of Halloween. I love the cool breeze and the sun's rays twinkling through the morning dew on a spider's web. Those images are artistic!
Was there a clear purpose to it?
It's a tribute to one of our most fun holidays, Halloween. Watch out for the ghouls, goblins, witches and ghosts! Watch out for the lurkers! They will get you every time!
Glows:
My favorite image is the caterpillar wrapped up like a mummy. They do look that way but never thought of comparing them like that! And, the fifth verse, watch where you step! The underground can get really scary on this night especially!
Grows:
I'd like to hear more about the environment. You started strong by mentioning the cool breeze, full moon, sun's rays. But, what in the landscape made it look like Halloween? Maybe there were some twisted trees, or dancing shadows.
Miscellaneous Comments:
There were only a couple of lines I would tweak. seen should be see, sun's, spider's.
What great romantic poem! I love the idea of building a castle for the woman you love. It's a great vision! A beacon of refuge that shines to the sea to bring you home with glee!
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
It's a great fantastical romance poem. I bet a lot of women would love a chance to feel like a queen compared to the sun. It's a great romantic notion!
Was there a clear purpose to it?
It was a story poem where the queen is asked to be a beacon of light and goodness for her husband who I assume is away at sea. It's an awesome story of love and devotion.
Glows:
I love that you make a note of stating there is no lock or key and imploring her to come and go as she pleases. It's easy to think of it as a tower of isolation without that part in there. It's such a romantic tale! For I am coming to goodness, and in your arms I'll be free, is my favorite line.
Grows:
I'd like to know if he is away at sea, what does he do? Why is he away for so long? Is he a pirate? Is he at war? What's his story?
Miscellaneous Comments:
Usually, I like it when poetry is broken up into stanzas but in this case, I like the flow of it without it being broken up. It works for me.
Putting yourself in a frog's mind frame is such a cute idea! Thinking of frogs as prideful is a funny idea. And the arch nemesis, the turtle causing such havoc! Really clever drama there.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
It's a cute reflection of what it might be like as a frog. I think it would work well a piece written for a kid's book. Maybe replace the word butt with rear end but the idea is so clever it deserves to have a spot in a kid's book somewhere!
Was there a clear purpose to it?
I love the idea that the a turtle snapped the tail off. It's so funny that a turtle would cause the frog that much strife and be the reason for their misfortune.
Glows:
I love the story flow to this piece and putting yourself into the perspective of the the frog is a really cute and clever idea. I loved it. Legs to hop with and tail that whirled is great imagery of a polliwog dancing in the water.
Grows:
I don't have any suggestions. I even love the color green of this piece. Maybe I would take out the word then before dart and change I was swimming to I swam. They would be just minor grammatical recommendations.
Your description of Rodney is somewhat heartbreaking. He seems to let his insecurities drive him, gets threatened easily and provokes back before others provoke him. I felt horrible for Paul Mayfield.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
It's a great anti bully story where the target gets their vengeance. I think readers would like a story with that dynamic.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
I think it's important to highlight stories where the bullies don't win. It makes us feel good to root for someone and this story definitely gives that experience.
Glows:
I love the built anticipation between Mayfield and Wilson before they fight. I knew Mayfield was going to get his due and your ending did not disappoint me there! Mayfield is like the unforeseen hero and I'm glad he defended himself and gave it to good ol' Wilson.
Grows:
Your story is written in a very formal tone with descriptors like caprciousness and acolytes. I prefer to be entertained by stories maybe you could use terms that more of us can relate to. My suggestions would be synonyms like peculiar, idiosyncratic for caprciousness, and perhaps use follower for acolytes. I always mentally reserve that term for cult followers. I had to look up the words adumbrated and pugilistic. I love learning new words so I didn't mind but other readers might.
Miscellaneous Comments:
I thought you were going to turn Wilson into a misunderstood protagonist with good intentions because of the way you set up the relationship between him and Powell on the football team. I was wrong and surprised but glad for it!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I was attracted to the title because I keep trying to get my children excited about it. It wasn't at all what I expected. This piece symbolized to me the tightrope we have to walk when working between two cultures.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
It would be interesting to share this piece to other actors and anyone else who has to deal interculturally with people. I love that you make a mention of him taking trouble to create more space than was needed. It's those types of nuances that are important to pay attention to. We don't know sometimes how our non-verbals affect people from other cultures.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
To me, the conversation illustrates the discomfort we can put ourselves in when trying to bridge ourselves into different cultures. I think of course it's important that we continue to try to make these types of attempts.
Glows:
I love the dialog and the story. But, I'm trying to figure out the source of discomfort from him. What did you say that made him so uncomfortable? I understand that you were trying to emulate his zen like state and I imagine that he had to respect your efforts so what happened? Was he discomforted that acting could be compared to engineering? I saw a beautiful parallel.
Grows:
I'd like to know why he was discomforted so. Is it supposed to be obvious? Maybe I'm missing part of the story, but to me it's a beautiful attempt at trying to learn from someone else who shares a vastly different culture than you.
I felt a little distance from it. I think it's because I didn't fully understand the purpose. I understand the house was dark and got the feeling it was disturbed. I wonder what this was a contest entry for and was it brief on purpose?
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
I feel like I need to feel it's purpose. You wrote some beautiful lines like a fragrance fills the air, naked and fresh.. And the sky looks anxious.. Those lines evoked strong emotion from me because they seemed beautiful and vulnerable at the same time.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
I guess this where I felt lost. I didn't get the purpose. Did the house create the anxiety and dread or did the environment of the house create it? And then, I thought I wanted to read further to find out why it's relevant.
Glows:
The vivid descriptions of the environment definitely create anxiety, dread, and overall sense of creepiness, especially when you describe the contents of the room.
Grows:
I addressed these in the purpose section. For example, I didn't get the line about the doorknobs. Is it a hidden room? I gather the clothes are still there but the bodies that wore them are long gone. I'd like to know more about its purpose to understand the relevance of the house.
I really identified with the wanderer's character. It seems like he's trying desperately to cling to something or someone that he can care about. I know I have felt a need to belong a time or to and don't know how sometimes.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
I think it's important to place ourselves in the perspective of the disillusioned sometimes. It's a great empathy builder.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
The way I interpreted this piece was two-fold. I felt a clear sense of longing with lines like wanderer mad with love, what do you search for? And the frustration of not being allowed to be with someone you desperately want to be with.
Glows:
I loved some of the lines: hiding the hurt in your smile that you belong to all the world and yet no one is yours to hold. You Did great job of creating a mood of longing and frustration of unrequited love.
Grows:
There were more than a couple of typos: feets, fiery, and a few statements that should be questions. Also, I would consider changing the dreams to my dreams. Minor mistakes, but they took away from some of the artistry of the work.
I would love to be a character in this piece! You write romance so well! In all seriousness though, I loved the intimacy of this piece. The reader can really feel the desire in this piece.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
I think readers who love good, steamy writing would find this piece entertaining. I love that you actually made it part of a greater love story. It speaks to the romantic in me.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
Yes, it's all about describing a passionate moment between two people in love.
Glows:
It's very descriptive but still tasteful. Sometimes writing a good sex scene feels awkward and clumsy like the characters are fumbling or it's just raunchy when it's supposed to be romantic and I think you do a good job of teasing the romance so that it feels like it's truly an act of love. That's not to say raunchy sex scenes don't have their place in certain stories, but you kept true to the character's feelings of passion and romance.
Grows:
It's not really a poem that I can tell. There's no melody, verse, rhythm or rhyme. It's more of prose piece, I think and probably would classify it as such.
The beginning is very strong and fast paced! I can feel what's happening, riveted from the beginning! I would very much like to see how this story unfolds. How does William get used to living in the modern world?
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
Wow. It's like a reversed Outlander. It's a pretty cool concept. I love the idea of someone from the past coming to present day, why not? Yes, I think enough people would love this idea given that Outlander is so popular right now.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
I think it's going to be a love story. After all she knew his name was William and it's marked as a romance. It almost sets the woman up to be the protector which would be very empowering role for a female character. I like that angle a lot.
Glows:
The writing is so fast paced, I felt like I was watching a movie! I could almost cast their roles. Your writing is also very descriptive. For example the description of the light was so detailed, I could see it fan out among the trees and grow.
Grows:
I would of made the witch young and beautiful just to put some sensual tension there but it may not be appropriate for the story your building. It was a five! Congratulations on the publishing! Good luck! I know I'd like to keep reading.
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