- I think there are really good ideas to the poem, especially if the rain and skies here are being used symbolically. I think some of it is a little disjointed, but I think there is a lot of good stuff to work with here to fashion something out of it.
- I like how the poem is relatively short and simple, and doesn't mess around with different POVs or try to go on flower-y tangents. It stays focused on this woman it is talking about and doesn't leave her.
What Can Be Improved (My Opinion):
- Some of the grammar needs fixing: "She always have bunch of people to roam" should be "She always has a bunch of people to roam".
- Some of the other lines, though not grammatically wrong, just sound awkward because of the rhyme I think. Lines like "From his life, how she was totally banished!", which would usually be written like "She was totally banished, now, from his life" sound awkward when they have to be re-arranged to have the rhyming word at the end. There are other examples in the poem as well, such as "And there's no moonlight in the town". "the memories zoomed" is another one since that word seems out-of-place casual with the rest of the language in the poem, but is kind of needed for the rhyme. I would just go through it again and try to find sentences or phrases that more casually and seamlessly include a rhyme scheme if that's how you want to do it.
- Also, I was just a little fuzzy on how the repeated lines at the start and the end related to the main body of the poem. Parts of the poem seemed like she was being banished from someone's (a man, maybe God?) memory, then parts of it seemed like she was waiting for the rain to come down as though it was a good thing, and then another part of it seemed like, even though this woman has a lot of people around her, she operates on her own. There are a lot of ideas in the short poem, and I would try either to center it a little more around one of them or add some more clues to help the reader see what the connection between them all is. Abstract can be a good thing, but only if the reader gets some sense that everything connects.
Favorite Part:
"She continues to stare at those dark clouds,"
- This line reads nicely and paints a good image, and so I would pick it as my favorite in the poem. The flow to that one seems really nice.
What I Learned From It:
- That dark skies, rain, and weather, can be used as a symbol to talk about bigger things.
What I Liked:
- For a really short poem, I thought it had a good idea to it and was structured nice. Some of the language I liked alot, especially in the first bit, since I thought that it avoided using anything too wordy, and stayed simple in a charming kind of way.
What Can Be Improved (My Opinion):
These are little things, but...
- I would make the last line in the first bit "With no light to be seen" into "Nothing to see" or something a little shorter. Just the way it is worded now with the "no light to be seen" makes it sound a little wooden I think, when the rest of the lines are shorter and simpler.
- I would remove the word "Deconstructing" and use a more simple word. It just seems a little like a longer or complicated word, and since it is the only word like that, it stuck out to me.
- I would end the poem with like a line or two to tie the birth of a butterfly into a larger concept. Maybe something like, "a beautiful butterfly/the same way we all do." hinting that the butterfly's birth process is like a metaphor for how humans come into their own beautiful bodies to. Maybe it is stupid, but I just think ending poems by making them seem like they are talking about something larger than they really are makes it feel like it has more weight to it, and makes it seem like it isn't just a short butterfly poem.
Favorite Part:
"Till nearly nothing"
- Just a nice line. Like how you have to become nothing before you become something. I think this line could even be added to a bit to reflect that.
What I Learned From It:
- Butterflies are more interesting then I first thought.
What I Liked:
- I thought it was very fun and well written, and had a fun vibe to it when lots of the poems I read are not that fun and just alot of flowery writing. Yours was more interesting since it actually had a point to it, like a lesson it was trying to say at the end. It reminded me of an old fable at times.
- I really like how you use nature in all of your writing.
What Can Be Improved (My Opinion):
- In the first half of the poem, it opens with "once upon a time" like it is going to tell a kind of story, but then alot of the lines that follow it seemed more abstract or like imagery and pretty descriptions. I would maybe try to focus it more around a story, like an old fable or something, so that the second half seems more surprising that a frog is down there waiting, and the last two lines would feel more like words of advice or a lesson that is learned. Maybe make the first half about the boy, who, by the end of the poem, learnes that wishes are not free.
Favorite Part:
Waiting in a well
for a penny from above
was a frog – do tell.
- I just think that the imagine of a frog waiting in the bottom of a well for the coins that come down is a cool and unique image I had not even heard before, so I like how you used it in this poem. I could picture it right away.
What I Learned From It:
- To never look at frogs the same way again.
What I Liked:
- I thought it was a good idea for a poem, and written in more of a fun way instead of the boring, flower-y, pretentious, way lots of online poems seem to be. I think it could appeal to readers or people who like history.
What Can Be Improved (My Opinion):
- I would just try to make some of the sentences more natural sounding. Like, instead of "On Capitol Hill is where..." I would just say "Capitol Hill, where history's made". I know part of it is because the rhyme thing is strict and makes it a certain way, but some of the phrases sound weird or wooden because they have to be a certain way to rhyme right (like "firm opinions are swayed" just sounds a little odd).
- Maybe a line or two more about what specific problems you think are on Capitol Hill would be good, in case a reader (like me) doesn't know lots about politics and wants to know why you don't like it so much. You do have some at the first stanza but maybe some more detail about it so the poem can be a teaching thing.
Favorite Part:
When Washington dodged musket bullets and prayed
and Franklin appealed to the French for their aid,
- Those lines sounded really natural to me and flowed well.
What I Learned From It:
- That I need to study history better.
What I Liked:
- I loved the main idea to the poem, and the idea of a knight who gives great advice that you cannot understand. I think it is a perfect metaphor for how people never can understand what they need most. I thought this was a perfect and really unique idea for a poem, which is what I like.
- I really loved that this poem was not just random fancy-sounding phrases or cliche flower-y words, but actually had a great mysterious idea to it and spoke in a more direct way.
What Can Be Improved (My Opinion):
- I would try to shorten it a little bit, since I liked the first part so much that I started to not pay as close attention in the second half as I was still thinking about the first part. I would shorten that part and just end with:
The white knight talking backwards
Will save me if I can decipher his words
...since I think that is a perfect ending for the poem, and scary if you think about having a life-saving message you can't understand.
Favorite Part:
He is the white night talking backwards
His words, jumbled truths
That I must decipher
Nonsense that I must turn
Into freely flowing ideas
- I just think this part is really cool, and I cannot think of a character or figure who has been like this before. It is a great idea for a mysterious figure, and even a little creepy.
What I Learned From It:
- That it can be even better to keep things mysterious, and that figures you are talking about will seem more cool and interesting if things are left to the imagination instead of said in too many detail.
What I Liked:
- I thought it was a happy story that was heart-warming and had a nice pay-off, so emotionally I thought it was a good read and would be good for little kids.
- I never tried writing stories before, so I thought it was just cool to see someone tell a full story in 500 words, like one that could work as a short kids' book.
What Could Be Improved:
- If you are writing from the dog's point of view, maybe don't use the word "street-sweeper" since a dog would not know what one is, and instead talk about how the dog just sees a weird thing going down the street making noise.
- Same for the vet. or other things, I would try to make it seem more like it is from a dog's point of view, and write it using weird descriptions like how a dog would see the world instead of like the dog was thinking like a human.
What I Liked:
- That it did not try to use random big words or sounded like someone just looked up synonyms
- The main idea that love is its own thing and doesn't need anything bad to exist
What I Didn't Like:
- Some of the wording didn't make sense to me
Love does not need anything
Love just is
Like two breathless thoughts
That thought of love
Therefore it had to be
And just was
...to me it just sounds like a bible thing or too old fashioned when I think it could be worded more simply. And...
But to know the unbeknownst
Is to know the unknown
...sounds like it is kind of repeating the same thing to me.
- Just a lot of the phrases seemed really vague to me and I didn't know what it was trying to say.
Will I Remember It?: No, I did not know what it was trying to say and it is hard for me to relate/feel good/fancy writing unless there is something I feel like it is trying to do.
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