The use of different colors helps separate the different points. However, the uses of light colors (like the green and orange) are hard to read on the screen.
Point #5 might have been expanded mentioning companies like, www.vistaprint.com who offer free business cards (although I can see many reasons not to recommend/list a particular business).
Inquire at your public library about posting a flier with information about you, and your writing.com url. This same tip can be applied to local coffee shops where you can also inquire about leaving samples of your work out for their patrons…
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I took a glance through your port. I think your writing is good. You especially have a knack at drawing the reader in with good introductions. I found all the pieces above average.
This poem could be improved by simply reordering the prose already here to lift the description with surprise and adding something to the voice...a dreamy flow. (Sounds corky, but it is the best I can sum it up...that voice that shows where you are going but never showing the path all at once).
Here is the first paragraph reworded:
Hidden under an iron sea,
is the fact that most deny.
Reasons still unexplained;
that most can’t defy.
Not many that survived to clarify,
drowning in it seems like a normal act.
These are your words...but rearranging them quickly shows me what is hidden under the iron sea, and yet, still pulls me into the story.
Look at your prose again and see what comes out. I sometimes play a game of cutting apart my poems and rearranging them, then rewriting them if needed. Many surprises are hidden within your writing.
There is so much I want to comment on here, the prose, the grammar, and the punctuation. I must make a list. I must get my red pen. I must draft this in word so I can spell check. What a great project this comment will be. I will set have to set aside time for this tomorrow, so it will be good.
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Honestly, you captured you topic succinctly and powerfully. I could not help but smile. I think this…prose…is perfect.
It is my personal preference for punctuation and capitalization of the first line based on that punctucation and any words emphasised. (You will find that on most of my peom coments - it is only my preference).
Punctuation in this poem would give it more rythm telling me how to read it and where to pause. As it is it seems chopped by the comas and sentence fragments.
Write on your own-way. You are on the right track; I am still trying to catch the train.
Overall very good. I liked the ending. There were a couple of misspelled words (fluorescent & glimpses). I would have liked to see the first letter of each line follow standard punctuation instead of all being capital, but that is merely a preference.
This is a great poem and good analogy of God to a potter. (my mother is a potter and I kept seeing her as I read this poem) I loved the poem but found the last lines weaker than the rest of the poem. I think if the last word was "end" as in ending it might be an interesting phrase to see:
And still it is the Potter's wheel,
That teaches me to bend;
If it is his will,
I will greet him in the end.
I enjoyed this piece, however it lacked an overall rhythm that would have kept the piece flowing.
The first paragraph has good rhythm, short, choppy, and giving a sense of the pace of a news story. I had to reread the second paragraph because of the singular to the plural shift of the victim (singular) to, not the one in the city or the one upstate (plural). Had the singular, “him”, have been the plural them, as in, I didn't even know them. I think the transition from singular to plural would have given the story more power to pull the reader into the scene.
An example of rhythm and meaning in the third paragraph:
The store was robbed at gun-point, another with a knife. Exchanging the with my, would pull the reader into the story. My store was robbed at gun-point, another with a knife. “No one was hurt but the thieves got away.” The word butt, slows the pace and does not draw me in as much as chopping it into two short sentences (No one was hurt. The thieves got away.). The use of the word “but” creates a relationship between the first part, No one was hurt, and the second part, the thieves got away. When linking two thoughts or sentences together think about what meaning you are trying to convey.
“With several witnesses no one can identify the perpetrators for sure.” This is an incomplete thought not anchored to the preceding sentence. I assume this is the reason the thieves got away. You should make the sentence stronger. The thieves got away even with several witnesses. No one can identify the perpetrators for sure.
“The video cameras are just a deterrent, no film was ever caught of the criminals in the act.” The tense disagreement between “cameras are” and no film was ever caught, is awkward. The first part as written seems to imply all cameras, while the second part seems to relate to the thieves who got away. I find the structure slows the rhythm. Again it is implied that this is why the thieves got away. Moving this information before, “No one can identify the perpetrators for sure”, would give both sentences more power.
Example – My store was robbed at gun-point, another with a knife. No one was hurt. The thieves got away. The video cameras were just a deterrent. No film was ever caught of the criminals in the act. There were several witnesses but no one can identify the perpetrators for sure.
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