This is an excellent piece of Micro Fiction. You've unfolded both characters well, given good background information and tied up the story at the end with an almost inspirational sense of freedom.
You have some excellent descriptions and imagery. Each person or animal is given their own space and their characters are allowed to unfold at the right pace. The flow was good too and I felt inspired at the end of this trip down memory lane. What an influence they had on you!
There's a good mixture of happy and sad. Well done! Thanks for sharing!
Simply Frankies Girl
Suggestion:
Once admitted, we stepped into the small, might flow better in this tense... Once admitted, we would step into the small.....this relates to other descriptions throughout where the past perfect would be better.
Maybe a sprinkling of dialogue would enhance the piece even further.
A sad story with a happy ending. Just the kind I like!
Some good imagery and description throughout as well as believable dialogue. The continuity was good and the characters unfolded well. I felt I got to know them!
Well done with adding your chosen prompt in right at the end!
A very inspirational piece to show the love between a mother and son!
First of all congratulations on winning an HM in the Holiday Spirit Contest.
I like your use of alliteration in the text which helps to carry forward the imagery even further.
The imagery as well as continuity are good. All your characters were brought to life for me with some very good descriptions and their personalities unfolded well.
You have definitely followed the prompt and kept the Christmas spirit alive! A lovely story!
Well done and lots of luck in the contest!
FG
Suggestions:
Try to break up longer sentences into shorter ones, which would help the flow and reading.
Have a go at breaking up some of the passive descriptions with different tenses. Using the present continuous tense helps to give even more spice to descriptions.
Welcome to Writing.com. I hope you will enjoy your stay!
This piece is listed as a prose piece, but I believe you could class it as freeverse poetry.
The opening line drew me in immediately, and kept my attention to the end. The imagery was excellent and the continuity perfect.
From your introduction, I understand the theme, which was only touched on in the actual piece. You have cleverly given instead, imagery of the innocence of a child at play versus delusion causing mistrust probably for life.
An interesting piece, which I found to be a good read!
Keep on writing!
Frankies Girl
Further comments:
It would be better to sort out your capitalization throughout (you have none at the moment).
Shorten some of the lines at points that would encourage the reader to continue reading.
Maybe divide the piece into two main stanzas to give the two separate and obvious imageries.
I think this piece captures well your fear of water and how you overcame it.
You have taken me through from the point where the fear began to a well rounded conclusion, that helped you overcome it! I'm sure lots of people will be able to relate to it and be helped too! And not only with a fear of water but fears in general.
I just love your original metaphors and the way they blend in perfectly at all times! Where do you get your inspiration?
Another excellent read from a personal point of view and experience.
Frankies Girl
Further comments:
knew people were pounding life back I think it might flow better as.. knew someone was pounding life back...
Learn to Golf without golfing This might stand out better in italics...
Check were punctuation could be enhanced even further.
hide my enthusiasm of how I felt for fear of what others think. Would be better as... others thought..
(well, not thatold) You need a space between that and old.
I see you're a newbie. A warm welcome and I hope you'll enjoy your time at Writing.com
This piece attracted my eye as I live very close to the area you described.
Your piece was well thought out and written with passion and love - but above all thanks for experiencing such beauty in your life in general. Not only do you do this, but you also give thanks to those who have helped you along the way. I think lots of people forget do this, therefore I admire you.
The flow and imagery were excellent and you definitely took me on a tour, through your eyes, of this paradise. The narrative voice is strong and the interjection of small personal details, added to the attractiveness of the story.
Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your work. Maybe you could submit this piece to a competition on site, which you can find from your drop down menu on the top left hand of the screen - under Item Jumps, Contest Listings. I'm sure it would do very well.
Frankies Girl
Further comments:
sooths and caresses me, and removes A small typo. It should be soothes.
"Te amo, mia donna, sei la mia amica". This is a lovely sentiment, but could be translated for those who don't understand Italian. This also refers to the other untranslated Italian words..like borghi..(village,suburb)I think the flow would be better too as... T'amo cara amica mia, sei una bellissima donna... just a suggestion.
complete with it's frescoes by It should be its frescoes...
Your spacing needs sorting half way through and have a look where your sentence construction could be improved to enhance the piece even further.
This poem is a wonderful and inspirational reminder of how much beauty surrounds us, if we only look for it. Nature in her abundance has given us things we normally take for granted. Your words are a beautiful reminder of the joy of creation.
The flow is good and the imagery strong. I can feel your happiness throughout!
Well done! Thanks for sharing!
Frankies Girl
ps. You need to sort out your spacing in a few places and also your capitalization. Not every new line needs it, especially after commas.
This poem shows the confusion you had a particular time in your life. The intro. description states it was after an op. but it's not specified.
The poem is powerful as the emotions come over strongly; your lack of confidence, your feelings of not being needed, your changing appearance and your mind seeking identity.
An excellent read, which got inside of your mind! The end is very inspirational, where you have given hope to yourself by a strong affirmation of self-worth.
This poem definitely puts into perspective some of the feelings linked to growing old.
Your words brought home the message to me that that this is one thing that most of us will go through. We all look at it in different ways, but the emotions of time passing is constantly in everyone's mind the same.
I found your request for review on the Items to Review Page.
This poem gave out lovely imagery and a beautiful family moment. The scene setting and descriptions are excellent, as well as the pride and love from being a parent.
The title reflects the piece well. The allegory was very original too.
The flow was good and the end message left me sad, as did the author's note, which I felt too on many occasions.
Thanks for sharing.
Frankies Girl
ps. Could you tell me what the catalog number at the end is for?
This poem emotionally depicts the life of a person who is bed ridden and seeing life from another perspective.
The emotions come over strongly about thoughts going through this person's head - I believe it to be you as its sub genre description suggests that - regarding the whole cycle of life.
Excellent descriptions and scene setting to take the reader right there with you.
The ending is melancholy but gives over a sense of peace and acceptance.
Thanks for sharing!
Frankies Girl
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ps. You have this as an article in the description.. I believe it should be poetry
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