I liked this. The best part of writing is sometimes just letting it lose and seeing where it goes, and you did here. The wonderful thing about writing is that it lets us go places that can't exist elsewhere. It's well written and I like the fact that the drawing fears the artist. You could go in lots of fun directions with this...horror or drama or life experience or even comedy...but good gosh, poor little fella isn't even allowed to go to the bathroom? Well, I guess if doesn't get to eat or drink....
I think sometime in life, we all feel a bit like Nate so expanding and relating him to real people's struggles and resolution could evolve it into a great short story.
Couple of nit-picks: first sentence they, probably should be that
Third ppg: some one should probably be someone.
I guess spell check wouldn’t really help much on this piece??
The phrase ‘from our weaponry” sounded a bit out of place, but then again, who knows what’s out of place with these two knuckleheads (after all, they’re worldly enough know about Assgassastan). Maybe:…feel old Bessie’s and old Blue’s hot lead.
In the line “Dang it all Mucus y’all missed…” I had to stop a second because ‘y’all’ made me think there was another character I was missing. Since he’s blaming Mucus for running off dinner, maybe he should blame Mucus for making him miss.
I think ‘moonshine’ is typically one word. They may say it as two.
I picked your story up on a random review. That was a lot of fun--good chuckle at the end.
Couple of very minor suggestions:
The comma between Marty, Junior made me think it was two different kids for a sec. I'm not sure of the correct grammar there but maybe 'Marty Jr.' Would keep the readers from losing the flow.
On the line "He's young, Marty won't even...." Maggie reassured him. This is somewhat preference, but explanatory speach tags that are redundant are getting a pretty bad rap. In other words, it's redundant to say 'reassured' in the speach tag because your are re-telling what has already been shown in the dialouge. "Maggie said" is just as good and more efficient. Even famous writers do this, but they get critiqued.
Whenever I'm tempted to use a redundant speech tag, there is often a chance to have some fun. For example, the speech tag 'Rachel Offered' is similarly redundant. Maybe you could have some fun and use a 'beat' there instead: maybe 'Rachel fiddled with the button on her shirt' Sort of a subtle lead in to the nudist issue or as if Rachel was subconsciously thinking about the condo.
Maybe you could have even for fun, and instead of 'Maggie reassured him' maybe 'Maggie reached over and unbutton her husband's shirt.
Enjoyed it!
Leroy
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