Hi Yesmrbill,
Thanks for sharing this piece with us on Writing.com!
A little bit about me, I've been a professional copywriter for a few years but have only just started getting into fiction. I've been a member on WDC for almost a year and have enjoyed getting to know the community here, but still consider myself to be quite new, so please take my comments as opinion only and take them to heart only if you find them useful.
I enjoyed reading this and your command of the language is excellent, as I didn't find any mistakes. It might seem like an obvious thing, but many people struggle with spelling and grammar, so be proud that you don't have to grapple with that particular problem.
It was also interesting to learn about an historical event through your story. Being European (and rather ignorant about US history), I was sadly not familiar with this story before.
I think your choice of perspective (the gun) for the story was a good one. Here are some suggestions:
- Perhaps you could give the gun more of a defined character. You describe most things from the gun's perspective, but there are very few comments that come entirely from the gun itself. How does it feel about its upcoming role? Is it excited about the mission? Does it have any misgivings about what it is about to do? The story is generally low on emotion from any of the characters, and that is what provides the human interest to keep us reading.
- You have written the story in a way that is heavy with foreshadowing of the ending. For example, these sentences make it obvious what is to come later in the story:
"I am about to make the loudest shot of all."
"After tonight, there may be no more festivities here in Washington D.C. for many years to come."
Foreshadowing is not necessarily a bad thing. It can add tension and excitement to a story if the reader can feel that something significant is going to happen. However, in this case I feel that perhaps you could make it a little more subtle. It's true that it is an historical event, so some readers might know what is coming, however you have set up the story so that the scene, characters etc are generic and anonymous, so it could be any theatre performance perhaps you could use that to make the ending more of a surprise. I suggest this because it can be off-putting if the reader knows exactly what is about the happen. The motivation to read on drops significantly - because there is no "what happens next?" factor to keep your readers interested. One example of how you could make your foreshadowing more subtle, in the first paragraph, perhaps you could say:
"The War is ended. All the guns have fallen silent. Except me."
Which does not give anything away about the ending, but makes it apparent that something important is going to happen.
- You have repeated some of your language, for example the gun's "base baritone blast" appears twice. Although it is a good phrase, being alliterative, it spoils the effect of it if it is repeated. Perhaps you could find another way to describe the gunshot? Likewise, with Jonny's line being given away in the middle spoils the effect of it coming at the ending. Perhaps you could say "he mumbled something in Latin" so that the phrase itself remains a surprise for the ending.
I hope that you find these things useful. Please get in touch if you have any questions. Best of luck with your future writing!
Your piece was suggested to me as part of a workshop to practise my reviewing skills. I might not otherwise have found it, but I found it to be a good read with an interesting twist. Below I have shared some of my thoughts, however, we are all learners at WDC so you are completely free to disregard any or all of my comments if you don't find them useful for your development as a writer.
Overall impression
The story was interesting and drew me in. I found myself interested to find out how the woman had died. From the thoughts of the detective questioning the husband, it seems to point to the husband being involved in the death, which is confirmed as we read on in the story.
On another note, the opening line was a little confusing for me. I couldn't quite work out who was saying that line, whether it was the husband or the detective, and the use of the word "really" seems to indicate that there had already been some questioning where the man didn't tell the truth - which doesn't seem to be the case as we read further. Perhaps you could rework the opening to gain some more clarity there.
Favourite parts
I particularly liked the surprise watcher at the end. It serves to reassure the reader that justice will be served, even after such a terrible crime.
Setting
The set-up seems to be a typical family house with a dog and everything. However, I think the man's comment that they had been living together "on and off" didn't quite fit with the need to kill her. Why not just break up with her in that case? Perhaps it would be easier to believe if she had been his wife, and very rich... Just a thought, as the story needs a believable motive to really catch the reader's attention
Characters
As the husband was actually a part of the conspiracy to kill the wife, I found myself to be impressed with his acting skills in being able to cry on demand - but this seems to fit with his generally dishonest character. When the redhead is introduced, it's not immediately clear whether she's a man or a women. Perhaps you could include an adjective "a beautiful young redhead" to make that clear. It's also not clear whether she's a neighbour or a passer-by. Some tightening up in that section would really help the reader to get into the story.
Grammar:
I noticed one sentence in particular: "There is something he doesn't tell me"
If you are talking about something that is happening 'right now' (meaning at that point in the story) then it's normal to use present progressive progressive tense (meaning with -ing form), so I would write this sentence. "There is something he isn't telling me"
As a bit more explanation, simple present tense is mainly used when you're talking about a habit or regular activity, for example something that usually happens that way. For example: "My wife doesn't tell me about her lovers on the side" - meaning that it's a habit of hers not to tell that.
Conclusion
It's a good opening scene and a nice twist. With a little tweaking to the story you will have a very gripping detective story! Thank you for sharing your work with the rest of us and be sure to keep up the good work.
I'm fairly new to WDC and am currently learning more about reviewing. Your story was recommended to me as material to practice my skills, but I have to say that I would probably have chosen to read it anyway. It was intense and dramatic. The name suggests something sweet and happy so it's a great twist that the piece is quite the opposite.
Some things I noticed:
- Car seats are generally too large for a person (especially a child) to easily grip, so the sentence about her knuckles turning white didn't ring true to me.
- A "heavy silence" is mentioned, but if the father is driving so fast there should be a lot of engine noise. Perhaps "silence" could be modified to take account of this noise
- There is an unexpected line break in the 4th paragraph.
- The sentence "she placed two small hands around his neck" made me think that the girl was going to strangle her father. Maybe you could re-think this sentence?
- In the last paragraph, first sentence, don't forget to capitalise Dad,
In the 4th paragraph, it wasn't clear to me why the girl suddenly called her father Steve. Was this the ghost of his dead wife appearing for a moment? It's an interesting moment and perhaps you could develop this a little more?
I liked the ending thought - that even though this girl and her father have a difficult relationship and trouble communicating, that they still have each other and are therefore better off than many people during the holidays. Thank you for sharing this piece with the rest of us on WDC and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Hi Utsu,
This was an interesting piece. I haven't read the earlier parts so I am jumping straight into the middle of the story here. However, I could get the gist of the conflict and a feel for what was going on.
There are quite a few mistakes in the verb forms, for example "sayed" - should be "said, and "leaved" should be "left". English is difficult because it has so many irregular verbs, so just keep an eye that you are using the right form of the verbs when you write. A spell-checker might help you to spot these mistakes.
I noticed that you have used italics rather than quotation marks to indicate speech. Is that a deliberate choice? The conventional method is to use quotation marks around the parts that are spoken by characters, for example:
"What are you doing?" said the man.
I'm used to reading pieces where speech is indicated by quotation marks, so it was at first a little tricky for me to understand your piece - ie: to make out what was spoken and what wasn't. Perhaps you could consider redoing your punctuation for the sake of your readers?
At the end, Shiina seems to magically appear on the scene, even though the last time we saw her she was walking towards town. Maybe you can include some explanation about how she got into her house/dojo.
Let me know if you have any questions! Keep writing.
Victoria
I realise you probably aren't desperate for reviews on this piece, but it popped up when I was randomly reviewing and since it looks like no-one else has done the honours, I decided to pop that cherry.
This seems like a great idea, firstly to challenge yourself like this, and secondly to make it into a checklist so you have the satisfaction of coming back and updating it whenever you enter or win a contest or participate in a challenge. Congratulations for the 10 red ticks I counted! I also appreciate that you made it into a public item so that other WDC users can view and be inspired by it. Making your goals public is supposed to be a good way to motivate yourself. You've certainly given me something to think about when it comes to my own goals. I have a problem with procrastination so perhaps a checklist would work for me too? I'll give it some thought.
If you have the time to write back, I'd be really interested to know whether you found this to be a useful motivational tool? Also I wonder where you got the information about all the contests and challenges etc?
I love the trinket design. And it was a nice scene. I liked the depiction of the girl Kaci. It would be nice to know a little more about the narrator, as I'm not even sure of the gender. Is the person Kaci's brother or sister?
Another thing that struck me was that it might be difficult to see that Kaci's eyes are bloodshot and filled with tears from a bedroom window. Unless the tree was right outside a ground floor window, I don't think anyone's eyesight would be good enough to see that much detail from a distance, so perhaps you could present this image as an imagined sight instead? For example: "I could imagine how red and bloodshot Kaci's eyes must be right now..."
Is there a word missing in the last sentence of the first paragraph "I was the one that sent her crying from.."?
Thanks for an interesting read. It's a harrowing scene with some insight into how it feels to have a relative in hospital. It would be nice to know more about the main character Aleeya. Obviously she is very upset about the situation, but what other thoughts and feelings does she have? What kind of person is she? How old is she? Doesn't she need to be in school or at work? What is her relationship with the other members of the family? Adding these kinds of details helps the reader get a feel for the character and identify with them more.
Also be careful about your use of tense. You start the first sentence in the past tense "she sat there" but then switch to present perfect "it has been" in the second sentence, which implies that you're talking about the present moment. It would be better to stick with the past, so use "it had been" and "she wouldn't leave" so that the reader doesn't get confused about when the story takes place.
I liked this poem. It's a really interesting idea that the princess is locked in a tower of her own making and fulfills not only the helpless damsel but also the witch, stepmother and beast roles in this fairytale. I also liked the juxtaposition of saviour and executioner as the same person. These ideas really give another perspective to some of our assumptions about antagonists and placing blame for predicaments. What if the princess could rescue herself simply by deconstructing her self-made tower? Thanks for an interesting new outlook!
I wondered if "self-afflicted" was the right word in the first stanza? From the meaning I interpreted, it seemed like you might be going for self-inflicted?
I also think you made some effective use of capitals to emphasise certain words. The extra pause and power that comes along with a capitalised word is a powerful tool as long as you don't overuse it. It was a little too much for my taste in the last stanza, especially as the poem doesn't really build to a climax but rather peters out with the "waiting" and "forgotten princess". There is no resolution, only a feeling of endless waiting, stretching into the distance, which for me is at odds with all those capitals. But this might be a personal thing.
I found your portfolio because you are part of this month's NAG showcase, and wow I really enjoyed reading this. I think you did a great job of illustrating a valuable point with the real life (whether it's true or not, it seems like it could have happened) example and relating it to the field of writing and trying to get published. I remember my Mum teaching me about answering the actual question on exam papers, and it's something that we so often forget because we think we know everything. It also reminds me of my own experiences trying to get to grips with everything on WDC without having read all the instructions in Writing.com 101 first. Oops!
Aside from the message behind your piece, I also really like the language you've used in telling it. I think my favourite line is "...who cracked a mean ruler atop unsuspecting desks." To me that phrase perfectly encapsulates Sister Regina's character. I also like her name. For me it is reminiscent of royalty, femininity, absolute dominance, and a faint allusion to "vagina", Great stuff!
The only sentence that slightly irks me is:" I hated geography and could have cared less what the capital of Uruguay was."
I'm British and we always say "I couldn't care less", meaning there is no possible way to care less than I do. I know that it's common in other English-speaking areas to say "could care less", but it seems so illogical to me that the expression completely loses its meaning. I'm also an English teacher so these kind of thing especially get to me!
Anyway, sorry for the rant! Great writing! I look forward to reading some of your other work too. :)
I was glancing through your portfolio because you are part of this month's NAG showcase. I'm currently living in Austria so the German title of this piece caught my attention straight away, and after reading through it, I think it's aptly named.
I've also experienced the feeling of being the only one awake at night, trying everything I can to get to sleep, and I recognise the frustration you describe in the opening paragraphs. The part about thinking of story ideas made me laugh, as I've also tried that, but you're right that it simply makes you more alert and excites your creative urges. When I do that I often have to get out of bed and write down my ideas before I can settle down.
Some things I noticed:
- In the second sentence, did you mean "book"? I have been wondering whether a nook is some sort of brand name for an e-reader? Maybe I'm just behind the times. :D But if that's the case you should probably capitalise it.
- next sentence, I think you forgot either " 's" or "is" right before "an unfamiliar feeling".
- End of the first paragraph, perhaps you mean "eludes" (meaning "evades/escapes") rather than "alludes" (which means "refers to")?
I loved the description of your husband and dogs' snoring as being comforting and reminding you that they are there. You're right that a silent house at night is actually anything but silent. Maybe you could also include some descriptions of other things you could hear? The floorboards breaking or insects outside perhaps? I think the piece is a good reminder to us to slow down and listen to the everyday sounds that we often miss due to being so caught up in our own lives.
I really really liked this. Exactly the kind of poem (or piece, whatever you would classify it as) I love. Short and poignant but rich in meaning and imagery. To me it seems that each stanza has a kind of obvious meaning and a deeper more elusive implication that opens a whole world of meanings.
I like your contrast of the different types of weather in the first stanza. It makes me wonder - how could they exist together? - and the resulting image/depth of meaning is one of the beautiful things about the piece. The second stanza raises a lot of questions in my head. What did you remember? What idea? Who did you promise? The third stanza conjures up a delicious overkill of pouring water over sparks. You don't simply wait for them to die of their own accord, they are stamped out and drowned in a deluge.
The only thing that isn't to my taste, is your use of the word "though". I simply don't like the word. How clunky it is, the repetition and how awkward it is to pronounce when you read the lines aloud. This is probably a personal beef, but I would try to find another way to express the meaning contained in the word (for example using "but/yet/still" at the beginning of the line instead) for at least one of the lines. Other people might completely disagree.
I think you should definitely write more and be proud of letting people enjoy your thoughts.
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Maybe you could re-think this sentence?