CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your item has been selected by the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore!
Misspelled "unrecognized" >
In little ways, unrecoginzed,
{e:smile] Overall, I like the piece. The enchanting images and the rhyme made up for the inconsistent rhythm. Also, I just love the way you explained the dream in the end... It had a really good message in it!
New paragraph >
- My origins are like every other Chinese-Filipino’s origins...
- In the Summer of 1998, I visited my roots,...
- And so on...!
Period instead of comma after "trips" >
...for the sake of shopping and business trips
"hands" >
I shook their hand and kissed the...
"lay" appeared twice >
As I went out of our room fully dressed...
Capitalize "great" and "wall" >
...he even painted the great wall.
At first, I found some expressions disapproving, but the latter part made up for your naughty piece. Good job! Although, I would like to suggest a milder version -- some people might find it offensive.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your item has been selected by the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore!
Consider revision... incomplete thought. >
Sitting under the immense oak, watching the shades...
Try to mention the antecedent, which is "Ross" rather than "his" to avoid confusion... I almost thought you were referring to the ant. >
At this point in his adult life he...
- Or maybe you could include it in another paragraph.
"man's" >
...was the older mans response as Ross...
"were"? >
...there was woods where the smoldering...
Punctuate with a "!" >
“Daddy Daddy” he...
A comma after "Hi" >
“Hi boy” Steve grinned.
An interesting read!
Some parts, though, need tightening up. Try to read your piece gin and make some necessary changes. Good luck.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your item has been selected by the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore!
I loved this piece... it was written with such simple language, but is so full of meaning...
These are my favorite lines:
to six billion creatures many times over
living and dying
- I like the idea of many generations of life springing out and giving way to newer ones... just the choice of words are well executed...
I didn't find anything wrong with its rhythm... The free verse is just so enchanting.
Consider revising this sentence>
The scout meeting before the trip, which I believe was on Wednesday, myself...
Try adding "he said" or "he asked" before "I nodded" to avoid confusion >
...would you?” I nodded.
The question is supposed to be "You would be able to..." right? >
You wouldn’t be able to bring it with you,...
Comma after "lot" >
It was about seven in the evening...
"found" not "find" >
Near one in the morning we eventually...
Should be "I" not "myself" >
Myself and my fellow scouts had to put...
Try adding "she said" before "I gulped" >
“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about some adult magazines, would you?” I gulped.
- It gives the idea that "I" was the speaker of the recent dialogue.
"singlehandedly" is a single word, I think. >
With that single moment of idiocy I single handedly...
CONGRATULATIONS, SB Musing!!! You are receiving a TOP REVIEW from the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore as part of the "Invalid Item" slot you have acquired!
I suggest revising this statement... screams aren't supposed to be answered, I think >
Her father still hadn't answered her fearful screams and his glazed eyes still remained fixed upon the road.
- Try "Her father ignored (or seemed to ignore) her fearful..."
Why did she have to bite her tongue to keep from screaming? >
The car sped forward even faster after he said this, and she bit...
Misspelled "losing"; Try inserting a hyphen between "ice" & "covered" >
Her voice pleaded as it broke with emotion...
"speed up" (?) >
You don't have to speed...
Mentioning "upper" is unnecessary and confusing... its his (whole) body which relaxed so that the car slowed down. >
This time he seemed to listen...
Try to use "seem", "somewhat", & "what seemed" sparingly... it makes your POV sound unreliable or redundant... Though it might me a POV technique of yours.
Try replacing the en dash after "house" into an em dash and the second "(the) house" ino "where" >
She felt the familiar weaving sensation...
comma after "sorry" >
I'm so sorry Angela...
comma after "father" >
"You aren't an awful father dad.
Mentioning "I know that" is unnecessary... Try "I love you, and you know that. We both miss Mom..." >
I love you, and I know that...
This is a little too soon (for a dramatic moment) >
...she smiled and opened the car door to leave.
These are just suggestions, so try to ignore which points don't fit your taste, and just consider the helpful ones.
Over-all, it had been a good read and I commend ou writing such a heartwarming story! Thanks for sharing it with us!
Comma after "end" >
At summer's end Mom came home...
That's about the only error I noticed...
It's a really dramatic story with a unique flavor in it... You have a very interesting style... Great job!
Only, I had a slight difficulty with the figurative lingo there... I am not much of a literature know-how, so I was struggling with some references or expressions you have used. My suggestion is that, you could make your writing understood by more writers if you add more detail into them... maybe it'd turn out more universal, then... On the other hand, your style which included short snippets of events added a touch of mystery and drama to the story.
Yet the whole idea of singing for a funeral of a loved one is another thing... it is a heartwarming story, over-all. Thanks for sharing it!
CONGRATS, Starfire!!! You are receiving in-depth and honest feedback from the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore as part of the reviewing package (Item #13) you have acquired from "Invalid Item"
CHAPTER 1
Misspelled "too"; comma afer "quickly"; italicize thoughts. >
Time just passes to quickly...
An em dash instead of a comma after "small" >
She unexpectedly realized...
"woman"; then insert an em dash before "only" >
Not being a large women only 5' 3" tall...
Add "but" before "At" and a question mark after "moment" (or you could choose to add a comma instead); capitalize "she" = "But at this moment? She did not..." >
At this moment she did not feel so grown up.
Misspelled "whether" >
Only clothes from the finest stores,...
Insert hyphen between "weather" & "worn... "weather-worn" >
That would be just as she was doing now...
"its" >
The sound of a deadbolt scratching...
"mother's" >
She knew why she had come...
Misspelled "meant" >
Yes that is what Jessica believed was...
This is an excellent opening chapter!!! You really made Jessica's character an interesting flavor for our story... I especially liked the last sentence of Chapter 1. Makes me want to go on.
Although the introduction/history of the lead was a bit lengthy... just an opinion, though.
CONGRATULATIONS, SB Musing!!! You are receiving a TOP REVIEW from the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore as part of the "Invalid Item" slot you have acquired!
First and foremost, try putting your prompts into bold form... they are least distractive that way.
What a nice concept for a story. Great job!
Maybe 13+ would be a more fitting content rating, as you have touched on death, and kids might not understand the topic yet.
A few errors/point-outs, though:
The first paragraph started with "AN old woman..." Then this in the 2nd paragraph... >
The old woman's silver...
- Try writing it another way... it sounded redundant to me.
I wanna know why this was stated >
...when she had served him for so many years.
- Was she a nun? Or a volunteer at the church?
Comma after "years" >
For ten years she...
Try "already" >
...would all ready be gone.
Capitalize "he" >
...why he had taken away her sight.
Try adding a comma after "follow" or add "I will" before "leave. >
"If God Will Send His Angels, I Will Follow and leave this earth."
- It sounds as if the character will "follow and leave this earth." Sorta confusing.
Over-all though, it was full of heart... I felt sad for the main character... nice job of developing her profile!
CONGRATULATIONS, Mitch!!! You are receiving a TOP REVIEW from the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore as part of the "Invalid Item" slot you have acquired!
Take note of the tense inconsistencies... try sticking with the past.
Comma after "speaking" >
Looking up as he is speaking I see...
Consider revision >
The powers that be had added it to the tour...
- I was quite confused.
Italicize "Whose souls... special," then replace the comma with a question mark. >
Whose souls could be so special, I wonder.
The whole idea is a unique one... worth thinking over... what I do not understand is if the castle was a really critical place, why rush to go there? Why was the guide so careless? Or else, the plot was quite unnatural to happen, especially since the castle was given emphasis in the story itself... shouldn't all the angels there know whose souls are deserving to enter? And why do they have to tour that place if they weren't sure if the soul is deserving or not? It was very unfair for the new arrival to be toured or led to her possible insanity, right? These are only guide questions, just so you'd know. I hope they were helpful.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been selected by the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!
Hmmm... very interesting writing... I felt there were so many meaning and feeling involved other than what was shown. Great job!
What I didn't understand was why the old man lived the way he did... why he was on the verge of insanity... and what important role did his twin play in his past... Sort of info shortage, I guess. I know this was patterned to a particular prompt/character sketch, so I suggest you put the prompt or profile which became your basis in writing this story.
It was not a very ordinary situation, where everyone can relate to, but the heart was there, and I'm sure the readers might have felt something even more deep for the lead character. It was very sad... But convincing nevertheless!
HO-HO-HO!!! MALIGAYANG PASKO!!! You are receiving a TOP REVIEW from the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore as part of the "Invalid Item" slot you have acquired!
Try "contentment" instead of "content" >
to find some content.
I suggest an em dash between rope and lassoing >
grabbing the rope lassoing...
Although over-all, this is a poem of lyrical amusement and frolicking, I commend you for the well-planned rhythm of this poetry. Some rhymes might have been forced, but the outcome didn't turn out bad... the fact that it is dedicated to a little boy can also explain the playful essence of the piece.
HO-HO-HO!!! MALIGAYANG PASKO!!! You are receiving a TOP REVIEW from the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore as part of the "Invalid Item" slot you acquired!
I liked the concise style of writing you have used here... The characters are introduced right away, and considering the facts presented, I sort of sensed a comic effect on them... something with the horses just made me giggle a bit .
I suggest you expand this into a short story... the concept is original, and I'd like to know of course, what is the real purpose of the sphere... how was it stolen... what does it look like, so many questions... maybe that's why this short fiction didn't much came throuh to me... I finished the story feeling unsatisfied with the ending... and I wanted to know what was the quest all about... It just couldn't be over, could it?
Hope my take on this piece turns out helpful to you.
HO-HO-HO!!! MALIGAYANG PASKO!!! You are receiving a TOP REVIEW from the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore as part of the "Invalid Item" slot you acquired!
A glass of what? >
Have delivered me a glass Or if ou are pertaining to the material, the you can remove the "a" before glass.
Try "Of" instead of "From" >
From this ordinary man.
I enjoyed this! It is very interesting and creative!
Despite the subtle differences in the syllable count (well, it's not a crime... and it's your poem), I enjoyed the flow of it overall...
Although some rhymes seemed forced, it was still worth reading! Anyway, it was suppose to be humorous, so I guess it's forgiveable.
I recommend this forum to evrybody out there! It's such a nice contest... I just won a reviewing slot and I just don't know how to describe the feeling of finishing all the 20 reviews for the lucky port owner...
The rules are quite complicated but worth understanding... the experience is irreplaceable... the sig is also a cool and creative one!
Thank you, too, to the forum moderator for being nice.
This is disgusting! >
I guess when my head hit the floor it rolled into the corner of the bathroom behind the toilet...
"comes," "sees" >
Of course, when she came home and saw...
Comma before "class". >
“Good morning class.
Comma before "my dear". >
“Come along my dear,”
This is a very well-written weird story!!!
I like it a lot... It's the first I have read of its kind!
I love your detailed description of everything here. Even the bizaare humor worked for me!
I suggest adding even more concluding statements... I felt the ending was not enough to convince who or what they really are. But it's already good as it is... just my suggestion.
CONGRATULATIONS, Midnight Dawn!!! You are receiving a very honest and in-depth short story feedback from the super-reviewer, spiral kinetochore as part of the reviewing package kittiara has won in "Invalid Item" !
Comma instead of period after "store"; 'decapitalize' "The" >
I had to stop at the store." The...
Same correction as >
Oh, good girl, thank you." Her...
This sentence is misplaced. >
Their father's new VW Bug was parked there already.
- Try putting this after the next sentence.
or
You could revise this by adding at the end of the next sentence: "...at the sight of her father's new VW Bug parked in the driveway." >
Shelly saw her mother's smile fade at the sight of the Bug.
I'm not sure if I got this right. >
Shelly hissed at her mother...
- Why should Shelly hiss at her mother?
This should end in a question mark. >
Ain't the lightning something to see, boy!
Comma before "too". >
...so they made her happy too.
"see" appeared twice here. >
"I just wanted to see if I could see...
Comma before "momma". >
"Wait momma!
Honestly, I like it... what a very sad story. I feel sorry for the father.
Nice characterization especially Shelly... I am relieved that she hasn't forgotten her dad until now.
I like your style of describing things... like how you drew the picture of having a raging storm in your story.
The story might have seemed to drag in the middle... but still, the tension between the characters made up for the slow pace of the story.
Not exactly a unique plot line but it was worth reading, and the scenes were carefully placed and fit like a jigsaw.
I would like to commend you for putting so much "heart" in this story... it's one of the elements (in my standards) that I look for in a good story.
WARNING!!! SPOILER!!! WARNING!!! SPOILER!!!
I'm not really sure about the ending though... was that really the end for the father?
WARNING!!! SPOILER!!! WARNING!!! SPOILER!!!
TRICK OR TREAT!!! Your article has been chosen by the super-reviewer, K'neto! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!
Misspelled "lightning. >
Some are light and harmless, but...
Very original! I liked what you did here! You had nice analogies... I thought you were being humorous and serious at the same time.
What didn't work for me though, was the light blue color of the text... besides being the color hich is hard to read, you should have chosen a darker color -- which is just fitting to your strong, dark personality.
Also, giving out the links to your folders isn't enough, I think... your port might have greater exposure if you include selected items with each folder... this will be for easy access to your hidden gems... why not try including their item links (to save space)?
But just the same, these were just my suggestions... this is still your zone!!! You are free to do anything with your list... I have previously gotten glimpses of your artistry, and I should say you are very good in your craft... Keep it up!
Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!
This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been chosen by the super-reviewer, K'neto! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!
What an excellent treat!!! This is a very heart-warming story!!!
The omniscient point-of-view seemed to work here... I thought you did well with each line... and that they were very clear and simply put... yet with class and heart.
I found it very touching and funny at the same time... I've never read a thing like this before, really!
Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!
This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been chosen by the super-reviewer, K'neto! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!
Try italicizing this one. >
Man, those little things can really make your day.
A comma after "6". >
At level 6 he parks the car and walks to the lift.
A comma after "Fine". >
“Fine John, and you?”
Comma after "William"... and after "Derek".
“William will take care...
“Good, together with Derek I’ve updated the...
What I liked best about this piece is the mysterious feel of the lines... from the introduction to the end... Good, clean-cut writing should be commended.
Although some might get what really happened at the end, I, myself, am confused about it... Maybe you could add a bit more... Some people like me might not understand the whole story... I'm not really sure how it ended, but I hoped I got it right.
This is the first piece I have read of its kind... It's sort of a scary one, so I suggest you put that, too, in the genre.
The character, John, perhaps, needs to have more development... although putting the story in his point-of-view is already a big step for the story.
I thought you did well with presenting the conflict in an unexpected twist of events... sort of ordinary in the beginning, then building up into a different setup the next. That was scary, all right!
Good luck with this... I really like to see more of it!!! You really did well with the flow of the story... very detailed... but simple and not overdone.
Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!
This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port.
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You mean "our"? >
"world" and "wide" should be a single word.>
Misspelled "unrecognized" >
I love this poem!!! It's so cute!!! The comparison made between human and nimal was impressive!!! So short but full of meaning!!!
New paragraph >
Period instead of comma after "trips" >
Try to mention the antecedent, which is "Ross" rather than "his" to avoid confusion... I almost thought you were referring to the ant. >
These are my favorite lines:
Consider revising this sentence>
These are just suggestions, so try to ignore which points don't fit your taste, and just consider the helpful ones.
Yet the whole idea of singing for a funeral of a loved one is another thing... it is a heartwarming story, over-all. Thanks for sharing it!
Add "but" before "At" and a question mark after "moment" (or you could choose to add a comma instead); capitalize "she" = "But at this moment? She did not..." >
.
This is disgusting! >
>
But just the same, these were just my suggestions... this is still your zone!!! You are free to do anything with your list... I have previously gotten glimpses of your artistry, and I should say you are very good in your craft... Keep it up!
I found it very touching and funny at the same time... I've never read a thing like this before, really!