Hi, coffee and humor drew me in from the review page. Two of my favorite things.
Although I guessed the end at the beginning, I enjoyed the read. It was well written and flowed right along. The only thing I suggest is to introduce your character before telling his story, so it matters more to us. Or start the way you did, but work in who he is and why his story should matter to the reader. A tad bit more description would reel us in better, also.
I may have guessed the end because of a certain relative who got experimental with expensive coffee, but it was bats rather than cats. I politely declined the offer to try it.
I have a hard time reviewing poetry, but I enjoyed this. It has what I call soft rhymes, meaning they don't hit you in the face, but they accent the lines nicely and they don't feel forced.
It pulled me in because "this too shall pass" is something I often tell myself. It's always a good reminder. :)
Beautiful, atmospheric, clever. I enjoyed the read very much and can't possibly suggest anything that should be changed or critiqued.
I'm not a huge poetry reader, but I do enjoy non-rhyming free verse that paints a picture and lets in enough emotion to bring out the feel of the piece without shoving it in the reader's face. This does exactly that. Some fantasy, some reality. A nice mix.
Lyrics can be tough to review since we don't have the music you hear as you write them, and the song isn't complete without it. However, I like this a lot. It has a nice flow to it and the repetition is catchy without being annoying. I'm easily annoyed by repetition, but to me, this works very well.
A couple of lines keep throwing me as I read through it:
"just you lay back in silence"
Maybe "only lay back..." or "simply lay back..."
It feels awkward.
Also in the second to last stanza, the line "you will know" doesn't sound like it fits quite right with the rest.
I'm glad this popped up when I clicked on the read and review link. I'll go see what else you have. :)
Hi Tim, I like the atmosphere in this poem. The sound and energy and action come through well and create a stirring, pleasant scene.
However, the second line completely throws me. How does the ex-neighbor fit here? Is the son the neighbor's or the narrator's? Is the child hoisting the neighbor's sneakers or do you mean he's just hoisting himself onto the pogo stick? After several reads, I'm not sure.
"Of his parents' ... home" -> Again, is this the narrator's child?
You have a nice use of descriptive words, but watch the modifiers and such for clarity.
What a great start to what should be a fun story! I don't usually read middle grade fiction, even to review, but I'm glad I gave this a try when I found it on the Please Review page.
Suggestions: There's a bit too much telling all together in clumps and you might give the gist of the mothers' jobs and such and work the rest in later instead.
"leaving them with December’s leftovers for snow."
I'd leave "for snow" off here since you already made it clear what you were talking about and it makes "leftovers" stronger.
It could be more YA than middle grade, but I'm not an expert on those genres, so it's just a thought.
Wishing you luck with the completion and publication!
Hi Lila, I found you in the please review section and your summary drew me in.
As a former art student who has been asked, years later by an old classmate, "What are you doing with your art?" when I wasn't doing anything with it, I related to Jane and her despair at being asked that question. I think you have a good story base here with a lot of potential, but I would like to know why she was working retail rather than pursuing art, why she didn't make it through art school, why did she feel stuck when she apparently only has herself to support?
It needs more depth to really bring Jane out into a more sympathetic character because I found myself thinking: so DO something about it instead of hiding from your lucky-to-have supportive family and cringing at being called out for keeping yourself in your rut. Without more background, she comes off as whiny and unappreciative.
Unless you develop something more with Keith, he's a rather unnecessary part of the story. If he's part of the catalyst that makes her quit, let us see her considering his words when she's back home.
You also jumped from blueberry pancakes to "Is it any better?" so fast I wondered if I missed something.
This is a nice story in the making, but it feels like the bones of it rather than the fully fleshed story. If you work on it and build it up, feel free to send me a note and I'll look again.
This is a very clever poem in response to the prompt. The rhyme and line rhythms felt somewhat forced in several places, and I had to pause here and there when a word was left out for the sake of rhythm, which threw it off a bit. The last line doesn't work for me. It feels just thrown on for the sake of the rhyme.
There is a lot of fun imagery and it's overall a nice effort. I'm not sure if the contest required rhyme or if that's your normal choice, but it could be interesting to try it again in free verse. (Of course, I'm a free verse fan so my opinion may be skewed. )
I fully agree. In fact, I wrote a blog post about romance lacking quality just the other day. I do write romance under a pen name and I call it contemporary romance with a mental twist since they all deal with mental health in some way. It's what they now call upmarket romance since it has a literary quality.
Shouldn't they all have a literary quality? It's sad that there has to be a subgenre that says, hey, these characters are actually like real people and they deal with real issues. Imagine that!
I hate the dumbing down of literature, any and every kind. Thank you for putting this out there.
Lovely poem. At first, I found the colors distracting, but I would guess they symbolize the growth from childlike innocence to maybe too reality-aware adulthood.
The alliteration is nicely done, emphasizing rather than detracting. The word play is rife with metaphor, which I love.
This is a beautiful piece! The writing is nearly exquisite and it yanked me right in. It's not hard to understand why readers would ask if it's a true story, with the POV perfectly executed and the language fitting and deeply in character.
I hate to even find anything to critique, but there are a couple of things I found you might look at again.
-- People have asked me, but I don’t remember my first piece - just the last one I played for the owner, the one that convinced him I had talent.
This is a bit awkward. I had to go back and reread it to understand that people asked if he remembered his first piece.
-- I convinced him to bring back a entire booklet full of short melodies...
You mean "take back" not "bring back. If he were to bring it back, it would return to your POV character. You take it there and bring it here.
Also, you might want to mention a couple less times that he was not likeable. That gets too repetitive and I started to think, "Yep, got it, move along." It threw me out of the idea that I was reading an actual foreword instead of a fiction piece.
Otherwise, very well done! I truly enjoyed the read.
Your first paragraph is too much info dump. I'd throw out the part about taking a walk and start with the annoyance of the day, then the second paragraph can tell the reader he's walking.
As I spot Garry The Policeman leaning on a pole, his eyes intent on something.
Two issues here: "Garry the policeman" (don't capitalize other than his name) sounds like a cartoon character. Just give us his name and work in to let us know he's a policeman. This is a fragment. Fragments can work in fiction but there has to be a reason for them, for impact. This just looks like an unfinished sentence. You need to check other spots for the same.
But if she succeeds...
Take out "But" - it's unnecessary and echoes the same structure at the beginning of your next paragraph.
I leap into the road, running towards her.
Did the MC really LEAP and run? Doesn't sound like him, from what I've read so far. Consider just saying "I ran toward her." (not towards)
“Sorry mam.” He says looking shy, his face becoming a red tomato.
ma'am - It's a contraction of madam. You don't tell us he's looking shy when you already say his face is red. Better:
"Sorry, ma'am." His face reddens.
“Your lucky if I don’t press charges against you.” She says and walks away.
You're lucky - contraction of you are. Again, better would be: She walks away. We know she said it if you show her walking away afterward. Be careful about redundancy.
There are several other places you need to check your grammar and sentence structure.
This feels like the beginning of a story and not a whole story. You pull interest in the two main characters but it's only an introduction. The end leaves the reader thinking, "What?" The cop was apparently deranged to pull a gun in that situation, so there's a lot of story behind him that we don't get to help it make sense. Also, your MC seems naive for someone who has been in juvenile detention.
I see this is a contest entry and I'm sure your word count was limited, but if you plan to develop it, I hope my thoughts will help.
I see this is your first draft of your first novel. Congratulations! And welcome to WDC!
I'm a big believer in making first lines and first paragraphs depict your character, your theme, and your style.
Your first line: "As the bright orb dropped below the jagged line of the horizon, the light which had been provided by the sun was replaced by that given off by flickering flames."
This tells me you're trying to force description, but it says nothing else other than it's dark and there's firelight from some source. Candles? Bonfires? Lighters? Okay, probably not lighters, but you get my point. Bright orb sound convoluted. I'm guessing you mean the sun. Why not say that?
First paragraph:
As the bright orb dropped below the jagged line of the horizon, the light which had been provided by the sun was replaced by that given off by flickering flames. As adults in the camp herded the last of the children into tents to put them to sleep, others checked the enclosures for the animals. These were the first to fall, arrows speeding out of the night. The only sounds were muffled gurgles as they sunk to the floor. And then there were horsemen in the centre of the camp, riding in all directions scything down the now terrified tribesmen with long cavalry swords and lances. Men, women and children were all claimed, the darkness made the slaughter indiscriminate as the faceless soldiers rampaged through the camp. As the initial shock passed, people began to grab weapons, and pockets of resistance sprung up around the camp.
I see several issues here that would turn me away if I picked this book up in a store. (And I always read at least the first paragraph before buying.)
"As adults herded.. others checked." This is very distant and cold. Adults? Others? Who are they? Why should I care? "And then there were..." This is also distant and passive.
"These were the first to fall..." I'm confused. These what? Animals? The adults checking the kids? Or those checking the animals.
Overall, I'm very lost at the very beginning and I'm not likely to wander farther because there's nothing to make me care about the nameless, faceless beings wherever they are. You might consider starting with Ingvarr, with his thoughts about what he sees and where he is and who he's with in order to give readers a chance to care about the fight that's about to occur.
As I skim through the rest, I can see that you have well-thought-out lead characters and a complex story formed. With some work on your description, making it natural instead of forced, and more flow (which comes with practice), this will develop nicely.
I found you through your psychology merit badge and had to look in.
This is a beautiful story with nice imagery and well-written.
I don't have much of a critique to offer, only a couple of small things that may only be my personal viewpoint:
that seemed to give off light and heat
-- avoiding "seemed to" is usually best and this line feels a little too cliche for the rest of your work
-- I would leave out the thought Make your dreams come true. at the end because it feels redundant, like you're pushing the idea at us instead of trusting we'll understand that's what she's doing in the following few lines. I had to go back and look at it twice because I thought it was something she was reading.
I love how it ends with her opening a door. Nice touch.
www.LKHunsaker.com
Mainstream Romance with an Artsy Twist
Hello Thought I'd return the favor and stop by your port.
I would love to see this expanded a bit. It shows humor that could be played on more and a nice ending line that gives us a grin, but there's so much missing.
I had to read your first line twice to follow it. Maybe give us just a touch more background.
[Nickel machines are my speed, also, although I haven't been to Vegas yet. ]
This is really very nice. I tend to like poetry that I have to reread and think about because it's all there without being too spelled out. Many don't feel the same; poetry is such a personal preference.
Your imagery is beautiful and there is such a story in those few lines -- enough to make the reader care about what happened and who she is, although knowing isn't essential.
I think the only thing that keeps me from giving it a 5.0 is because the phrase structures are too similar. Maybe try switching from:
I saw a link to one of your poems that drew me in, and then I kept reading more of them, so I'm rating your whole folder.
Your bio block says you are not a writer or poet, but I would have to disagree. Your thoughts are worthy of the writing and your words reveal a poet's soul. You have a natural feel for rhythm and structure with nothing feeling forced or fake, instead being openly flowing and true. I hope you will continue on this path and keep your humility which seems a necessity for a true poet.
Welcome to writing.com! Before I start and in case you scroll down to check the rating before reading the review, let me say that I believe in helpful criticism, not in saying "great job" and leaving it at that because it helps nothing. This is why: "Sometimes Reality Shows can make a point"
-- Beginning with the title and description, Allegiance is spelled with an A, and you left the T out of States. You have it spelled correctly in the title in the text, which tells me it's a typo. Be sure to pay attention to detail while posting your items.
-- In the second line, I'm wondering if you mean "We the soldiers" instead of "our the soldiers"
-- Don't think the lives lost, were that of even fair
I don't get this. Even fair?
-- as our families continue to descend
Descend where? With the surrounding text, I can't catch the meaning here, either.
-- That gave there live to show you...
The previous line that connects with this says WE, so you need to say "our lives" instead of "there live" which would actually be "their lives"
-- fore fathers -> forefathers; it's one word
-- stars and strips as there tears...
Stars and Stripes, not strips -- their, not there
(their shows possession, there is a place)
-- enemy's -> enemies
-- as the you hear -> as you hear
-- as out tears -> as our tears
There is also a cohesiveness problem throughout the poem. One thought doesn't lead smoothly into the next; it reads more as random thoughts thrown together.
Rhyme in a poem is great if it doesn't feel forced and overtake the meaning. I get the sense here that you're grabbing words that rhyme and forcing the meaning around them, and it often doesn't make sense.
Just a thought: There is only one nation that has a given right to be United and fight
The right wasn't given, it was earned. That's a huge difference, just like a teen driving an expensive car because his parents gave it to him verses the one who does because he worked hard and paid for it himself.
Words are powerful, and even more so when used cohesively and in a manner that makes them smooth and easy to read. I think you have a lot of powerful thoughts that would benefit with further editing.
I found your story listed on the review request page and was pulled in by the bike reference.
The first thing to consider after you get your story idea and characters, is what POV you want to use. You start here with Dave telling the story and suddenly switch to Jordana. There doesn't seem to be an actual purpose for Dave and his friend, but if you switch to starting with Jordana's thoughts about her brother instead, then we can get some background on your main character from the start.
The story is about her learning a lesson by being too cocky and such, but we don't really "meet" her until the main incident. You bring up visiting for Thanksgiving, but it doesn't tie in to the point of the story or give us character background. It could if it was developed. Why was she home for Thanksgiving (or why wasn't she usually home)? Why is she so cocky? Why is she not wanting attention from fellow male bikers?
I'm also left wondering how the falling license plate would be that big a deal. If you're riding, the plate would fall behind the bike and be somewhat hard-pressed to hit the tire, especially hard enough to slice it. Tires hold up better than that, in general, so maybe her tires were too old? Does she not take care of her bike? If not, why doesn't she?
I also find it odd that a Harley owner would muffle the sound of his bike, since that's part of the whole Harley image. Use that personality quirk to add interest to the character. Why did he do that? The reason he gave is simplistic and needs expansion.
Also, remember to give us scene details from within the story (show, don't tell) instead of giving the scene as though we're reading a play meant to be watched.
I think you have a lot of potential here with these characters and the story. Since it's your first draft, I wanted to leave general thoughts.
Have fun with it!
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