And.... what was after that?
I'm eager to read the rest of the story! What will happen to Anita? Will Jack kill or severely hurt her? Please, dear author, let me know!
I'm also deeply interested in Sandra's and Anita's relationships. How will Jack react if he knows that Anita's crush was a woman? Will Sandra just leave Anita without help?
Although there were some minor issues with the style and language, the story fascinates me. Please, keep on writing!
OMG, that was a sad story! I've read it all with pleasure and anticipation, and the ending was... hm, unexpected. It all reminded me a computer game like "Dragon Age", with Tevinter mages, who also were slavers, and assassins.
Your language is vivid, the emotions are clear and strong, and you definitely did a good job describing actions. For me, this is the hardest part :)
Keep on writing!
It is heartbreaking. I really lived this story through with the main character. And, a naive girl as I am, I hoped for a good ending.
The plot is simple and straightforward. I hoped for the main heroes to reunite, so there is an intrigue here, but the ending is logical and clear.
Your style is concise, fluent, and natural. It is easy to read and to understand. The story is grammatically correct.
The first sentence grabs attention and makes a reader feel intrigued. I like the scene's description:
"She sat on the edge of the bed and cried as I began to put my things into a suitcase." Just one sentence describes the situation perfectly.
The characters are believable. I would not name them original or unusual: they are just common people, but this makes all the story even more lifelike.
Dialogs are live and emotional. I can hear real people talking.
Wow! This is a cool story!
I think the beginning was a little bit too long. I did not know this is a story and not a reflection on snow until you mentioned Nat and Pandora which was in the middle of the text.
After that, though, the real story began, and it was fascinating.
I like this sentence: " It is a mystery why Nat and Pandora left the house on the day the hundred-year snowstorm began". You nailed both intrigue creation and the world description with just one sentence. Great job!
The last paragraph is a masterpiece, too. It adds to the world description and finishes the whole story with a bang. Awesome! I learned a lot from you.
This is a nice story! Very lifelike, I bet it has happened to many people. I like your style. It is emotional and precise. I like the way you translate your thoughts straight to the writing. Overall, great job!
I like your style! This piece is very easy to read. I also like the idea. And the exposition is good, I think it could be a beginning of a longer story. However, I felt a little bit disappointed in the end because you asked the question but never answered it.
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