It has been a while since I have read a piece that is epistolary, interesting choice for a mystery, it really adds to the tone. Working in some dialogue even with this style is refreshing. Your use of exposition sprinkled throughout works very well and helps you’re consistent pacing. It’s a style that can put some people off but the scene at the very beginning was a great way to make the reader care about the main character. I don’t see anything that really needs to be tweaked in this piece, probably one of the most technically proficient I have read on the site in a while. Great job and write on!
Beautiful and heartfelt. The images that your words spring to mind are powerful and evoke the colorful wonder of that season. I love that your word choice highlights Spring as a tour de force to be reckoned with, not just the most beautiful of seasons.
Wow, amazing. If you are not writing Star Trek novels that is a tragedy. Two quick things before I continue my praise:
Paragraph 19: Maguis is missing the "s"
And the 3rd from the last paragraph: "...started to fire theirs weapons..." (I would delete the "s")
I felt like I was right there on the bridge, and the dialogue was spot on. You might be able to add a little more detail but otherwise I greatly enjoyed reading your work. Your use of spacing and your understanding of pacing is a refreshing foundation for an intriguing idea. I wish there was more. You just earned yourself a fan- Write on!
Great job! I'll start with the boring editing stuff first then give you my thoughts. I'll underline things I believe should be added or changed to increase readability.
Paragraph 1: ...compensate in time, you would have...
Paragraph 3: ...she shook her head vigorously...
Paragraph 4: ...tight with determination, his expression pained...
...their birth as well I?: it could...
Paragraph 6: ...his own blood, a duty to the throne...
Paragraph 7: Y-yes? (Creates the same effect but is easier to follow, originally thought it was an interrupted sentence that started with Ye, like old English)
Paragraph 11: ...to break free, crying, her hands reaching...
...him pray(not prayed)...
Paragraph 12: ...heart dropped it at the king's feet...
Paragraph 13: ...the proof, the heart of the other...
Twenty Years Later segment
Paragraph 3: ...approaching from behind, she cursed, breaking the ...
Paragraph 10: ...the harlot with him gave a startled...
Paragraph 11: ...before he could say...
...by the harlot, he attempted? to try to go...
Paragraph 12: ...turn you into a toad...
I really liked your description of Lord Kildon's facial expressions, felt like I could picture then quite well. The dialogue flowed very well and the mystery surrounding her sister definitely has me hooked. The only thing I would add is maybe more a glimpse into what Anabel and the soldiers are wearing to help me picture it. Something as simple as are the guards armored in any way or wearing something more casual. Your spacing and paragraph length are great, which adds to the astounding pacing. Keep up the good work and write on!
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