Ok, before you read this you should know two things,
1) my spellcheck doesn't work
2)I know nothing about poems
So my critque is that I don't see the rythum in this piece. I tottaly agree with the whole idea that poems shouldn't be cat hat, frog log type structure, but there is usaly a rythum of some sort. But then again this could be a sort of poem I'm not familer with. Then again, there's no structure to this peice, making in choppy and hard to read.
That said--the contants of this piece are really string and you have some great lines and metophores( I don't know if metophores is the word I'm looking for, more like termonology.) for both boys. There are a lot of lines that are really great, such as
"Then I left him for a boy
all marked up with ink
and blood.
With a mind
full of
demons.
And a heart covered in dust.
He often tasted of whiskey
and his voice became sour
and loud."
Maybe you should just make it a short story/ dairie entrie type thing.
I really liked your piece, you have a deep emeotionly root here, and even us uneducated people can apprecate that, which goes to show how strong your words are and how great they go.
I really liked this!
Haha, this poems great. I could see the expressions in your face as you read this. Remember, editors, at least on this site, when giving critique is a compliment. It shows they liked it enough to give it a thought of how it could improve. I really enjoyed this poem, its great.
Whenever I walk down a street and I see people I don't know and will never know, I always wonder "they don't know who I am, they don't know my life, my memories ect." Then I relize I don't know therer's (please exscuse my spelling, my spell check isn't working) either. You're story talks about how we see people, we don't know their problums, and even if we do, chances are we're more caught up in our own. It's a intearsting concept and one which isn't spoken about often. I enjoyed reading this, was differnt and insightful. Thanks for letting me read!
Wow, I love it. I'm not just being nice, I really love it. If this were a book, I'd snatch it off the shelves. I love the characters and your writing style. The only thing I'd say is to make it clearer whose point of view it is when, but otherwise, I loved it. Thanks so much for letting me read!
one word:
Intense.
I loved it, I read it a few times over, really. The only advice i can give is maybe make it longer? Also, the word 'I" is always capitalized, and you didn't do that. I don't know if that's on purpous or not, maybe to say that with this out this person your not an I but an i? That would be cool. Well, i really liked it, thanks for letting me read!
Hey,
This piece was very bare-- in a good way. It made me feel as if I were watching your life (if this is a personal piece) from a third person point of view which was interesting. Though the story on one level is a lesson for a specific group; one who is put down for physical appearances and disblitys, (I'm sorry, I can't spell.) It also talks to those of us who put ourselves down for both physical and inner disability. What I took from this (though i don't know if this was your intention) was that when you find something that you love to do and that make you happy and confident, you don't need the approval of of people who mock you.
I'd like to share a story with you. It is not breath taking or particularly genius, but I learned something from it.
I don't know if I can sing. Some people tell me my voice is great (people who wouldn't lie about such things) and other's cringe. One of the latter was a kid I was sort of friends with. Constantly, I'd wish her prias for my voice until one day i realized, I don't need it. I had other things that I loved to do, so I didn't need my voice to be good.
I also think it's important for someone to give you that push. I too had a teacher who saved me. He made me love writing though I don't know how good at it i am.
I really appreciate you writing this, it was something that i think you needed to say and I think was well said. The tone in this piece is perfect for it.
Good job,
wow this poam is great. The rythem flows so well and your discriptions are so vivd, i feel like I know the soldger. Its amazing, thanks for writting this.
OMG i can't belive you did all that to your hair! When I was three i gave myself a hair cut and it was so bad my dad had 2 shave it off! from then until 5th grade i cried everytime i go a ahir cut
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