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Nice use of the quote at the beginning - it really sets the tone for the story before you even begin. I also really liked how you ended this chapter, with him reflecting on the boy's sleeping form. There is a great sense of mystery set up, as you don't tell the reader everything right away. Nice job on not giving too much away at once. The dialog was very well-written and realistic. I do have several suggestions, take them or leave them:
- On a thematic note, I would have liked more physical description of the characters, especially the boy.
Some editorial notes:
- Watch comma splices, using a comma when a period or semicolon is needed
- Some of your sentences were far too long, and the reader can lose the meaning reading them...try to break them up a little.
- Late in a fading twilight(,) two friends met down near where the forest touched the river with a smouldering sun beyond the treetops(,) affording them the last dying embers of day,
- glowing in the near darkness(,) its reflection shimmering off the water,
- To anyone watching they would have appeared alone(,) but in truth were host to a vast audience concealed from view in the surrounding trees and shadows, a thousand eyes observing unseen from the forest(.) (W)waiting impatient(ly) for what was to transpire, they stood in silence for several seconds(,) looking away from each other(,) neither wishing to be the first to speak.
- Her companion listened and watched as the final rays of daylight glanced over her face(,) illuminating her dazzling blue eyes for a moment,
- Receiving no response(,) she continued.
- “I supposed you would expect me to look after him for you?” interrupted the man(,) bitterly cursing his words even as he spoke them, his companion remained calm. (change comma after "them" to a period)
- Penny glared at him(,) stifled tears sparkling in he(r) eyes(.) (A)again he felt ashamed by the venom in his voice.
- “I trust you to look after my son Finn,” She spoke softly. ("she")
- At these words Penny suddenly broke down(,) letting the tears fall freely(,) and began shaking so hard Finn stepped forward to hold her as she sobbed into his shoulder, those watching from the darkness gave no indication save a warm breeze blowing gently across the water. (change comma after "shoulder" to period)
- “Neither of us are safe as long as he knows we’re here, he’ll follow to the ends of this earth(.)” (S)she stood up straight(,) wiping the tears away(,) a renewed determination in her voice. (change comma after "here" to a period)
- and the river at their feet became as smooth as silk, a thousand invisible eyes turned away and they were alone, if only for a brief moment. (change comma after "silk" to period)
- “We’d better not waste any more time,” she said at last(,) still hugging Finn hard around the shoulders, he clutched her back tightly. (change comma after "shoulders" to a period)
- “Goodbye,” She leant up and kissed him softly on the cheek(,) then stepped down into the dark water(,) forcing them apart with a shiver. (change comma after "goodbye" to a period)
- she swam out to the middle of the river untouched by the current, he fought the urge to dive in and haul her out(,) yearning for that one crucial sentence to come to mind that would bring her out and back to him. (change comma after "current" to a period)
“
- Take care of my son(,) Finn.” (move quote mark to where it's supposed to be)
- With his eyes clouded(,) he headed back towards the house, night having now completely fallen, he stumbled in the dark(,) feeling the eyes in the forest watching him, following him to his door. (change comma after "house" to a period)
- “You have all done you’re part,” He called out to the night. ("he")
- He fell through into the kitchen(,) letting all his sorrow out in one long sigh(,) his mind still feebly searching for a solution he knew was out of reach and by now far too late, he leant over the bench top with his head in his hands(,) imagining her floating in the water, being snared from below, (change comma after "late" to period)
- a few lights were on in town still glowing on the opposite shore, she had been right about one thing, (change comma after "shore" to period)
- He headed to the sitting room, the lamps were already lit(,) and as he entered he caught sight of a young boy sleeping undisturbed on the couch with his mother(')s jacket laid over him like a blanket, he slept peacefully(,) unaffected by all that had just happened outside. (change comma after "room" to a period and comma after "blanket" to a semicolon)
- ‘And as it will remain for you,’ Finn thought(,) drawing himself out of his grief, and occupying his mind with a new steadfast resolve.
- He hurried upstairs(,) moving through different rooms retrieving the various bits and pieces required for the task at hand(,) and returned swiftly(,) never interrupting the boy’s sleep.
- stacking it to the sides of the room out of the way(,) then measuring the empty floor with long strides. ("measured")
- heaving it aside with the rest of the furniture(,) positioning the two lamps still lit on the floor before the couch.
He seated himself near the boy on a small footstool(,) preparing himself mentally for the coming exertion,
- He took his time(,) sparing one moment to just watch as the boy slept, sandy haired and peaceful, the last thread left in this realm to his darling Penny, he hung his head(,) saddened in knowing the boy was enjoying his last unconscious seconds of belief (change comma after "Penny" to period)
Overall, a good start to a book that could use some editing and perhaps a bit more physical description. Keep up the good work!
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