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1
1
Review of The Beachcomber  
Review by Willowgreen
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings and Salutations Plume !

I've just finished reading your story {item: 1864531}, and would like to share these comments with you.

What I liked most: Nice twist, subtly foreshadowed when you learn that the old man is the Creator.

Concept: Meeting the Creator is great fodder for a story, and I think you have used it effectively casting him as an expert woodcarver. I think the lack of definition in the characters and the shortness of the story makes it feel a bit contrived. Great beginning and ending - needs more middle...

Character: Other than Charlie being a reporter, there is nothing to him, making him pretty weak and really just a mechanism to introduce the Beachcomber and the punchline. The Beachcomber is obviously more defined as he is old, carves wood expertly, and has steel gray eyes. Both could use some more love in their descriptions.

Setting: The Setting is better defined than the characters. The sun burning off the fog, the trail, the bluffs, the clearing the shack - all great details that make this one of the best parts of the story. If the characters matched that level of description this would be a very strong piece.

Structure: There are issues with tense, spelling and punctuation throughout the piece. Needs a polish as each is easily correctable. I suggest bringing it up in Word if nothing else, and that will highlight some of the problems.

Overall Impression: Great concept, beautiful setting, nice twist on the ending. But the story is so short and the punchline comes so quick that it makes it feel a bit like a contrived joke. Expanding even 2-300 words I think would make it a really good piece.

Of course, writing is a very personal thing, and this review represents only my opinions. Please use what helps you and disregard the rest. I appreciate you sharing your story with me, and if anything I wrote was confusing, please free to write me back for more clarification.

This review was provided in affiliation with the Paper Doll Gang, a group dedicated to providing quality reviews and helping new members learn their way around. While it does requite and upgraded membership, if you are interested in joining our active group, please let me know. We would love to have you as a member!

Keep writing and may the muse shine on your efforts!

Thanks,
Laurie

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Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret. - Matthew Arnold
2
2
Review of The Clone  
Review by Willowgreen
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings and Salutations Gwyn Max !

I've just finished reading your story "The Clone" , and would like to share these comments with you.

What I liked most: The way you built to Davind's revelation of the clones humanity. It seemed genuine and your excerpt definitely hooked me. I would enjoy reading this book.

Concept: When I first read your title I was afraid that it would be a poor copy of something like I, Robot. But after reading this small section, I have great hopes for its originality.

Character: I understand some of Davind's biases and emotions now, and more would not be expected in this short piece. The clones are also as well defined as I would expect.

Setting: No idea from this piece.

Structure: As just a short excerpt I wouldn't normally comment on this, but the other aspects are also difficult to discuss when so little is available or known about the bigger story yet. There is much in the passage that I really like, but I will try to explain what I didn't like as hopefully that will give you more to think about.

1. Too much to look at and process. If this was in a book it would be even more difficult to read as the text goes on an on without a break. I am guessing that this choice was intentional and goes to his building revelation, but I think it hinders rather than helps. And while it is certainly a connected section - there are appropriate places for paragraph breaks. Suggestions where to break:

after "unspoken elegance.
after "I cannot place a name on.
after "reflecting the gold light."
after "crevices of knowledge and wisdom."

2. Nine instance of "this thing" becomes repetitious at some point and no longer powerful. I would suggest (based on the paragraph breaks I mentioned) that you reduce it to five, one per paragraph. It gives the drumbeat I think you are going for and yet doesn't become boring.

3. "and then" - similar to "this thing" , its repeated use loses effectiveness about halfway through. There are 25 "and" instances in this 567 word section. Trimming some out will make the ones you leave another beat backing the passage.

4. two word choices felt wrong to me and didn't match the tone or subject as well as it might have. The first was "lacking" as in "Everything in me feels lacking" and the second was "love" as in "deep in me where I have never let love like this reach before." The love one is easier to explain my point of view about. It is believable that in the time it takes for the clone to tell his story that Davind could go from disgust and even hatred to respect and revulsion at his "bigotry". Love just doesn't seem like the emotion he would reach in this short time, though. Maybe your story builds to that at some point, but this doesn't seem to be the time yet. Suggested replacements: humanity, emotion, trust, respect. In the case of lacking, it isn't wrong, just seems less powerful than another word might be. Suggested replacements: would need some tweaking of the whole sentence but "void" seems to be what you are going for, or "emptiness" or work in "evaporate." Not sure, but as it is the conclusion of a powerful revelation, I would keep massaging this last part to match the great word choices and highs you hit in earlier sections.

Voice: The voice of Davind grows well very from disgust to surprise to appreciation to respect.

Overall Impression: Some really beautiful phrasing is what sticks with me in this piece. Very rich visuals. My favorites are:

the words begin to flow, like syrup, like sweet honey from the mouth of an unbarred soul

Then the tears, so subtle at first, so calm as they just rest in the tips of its eyes just before they tumble down its face (though I would remove the second just)

something breaks in me right then, a shattering blow slams into my gut, stealing my breath

I am the injustice and the trigger and the enforced hopelessness.

Of course, writing is a very personal thing, and this review represents only my opinions. Please use what helps you and disregard the rest. I appreciate you sharing your story with me, and if anything I wrote was confusing, please free to write me back for more clarification.

This review was provided in affiliation with the Paper Doll Gang, a group dedicated to providing quality reviews and helping new members learn their way around. While it does requite and upgraded membership, if you are interested in joining our active group, please let me know. We would love to have you as a member!

Keep writing and may the muse shine on your efforts!

Thanks,
Laurie

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Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret. - Matthew Arnold
3
3
Review by Willowgreen
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings and Salutations Earthsnake89 !

I've just finished reading your story "Snakes, Snails, and Puppy Dog Tails" , and would like to share these comments with you.

What I liked most: Your dialogue is well written, flows with the narrative and enhances the story rather than just inserts a comment. Very well done in a first person piece where dialogue is more difficult to work in smoothly.

Concept: Definitely a disturbing tale, but a creative twist on revenge and anger at men who have hurt you. Often we write from personal experience, and the "ending" certainly screams autobiographical to me. Sometimes we just need to write that stuff down and help get it out of our system, and that is a very valid thing to do. But if you want to reach an audience, beyond recounting details of your exact experience, (which is at least how the ending reads to me) I would suggest modifying the last paragraph. The repeated "There was" four times followed by Lastly...loses its impact with the repetition, IMHO. I actually think you could drop the whole last paragraph, as the previous one has the same message as the last one but is more impactful without the litany of woe.

Character: The two evil little girls are well drawn and I quickly had a picture in my mind. Well most would hope (myself included!) that children as young as this would never act out so much anger and hate, even though the electrocution or poison is figurative rather than literal, I thought it really had a genuine believability. The 13+ rating of the piece is borderline, and I did think maybe you should up it to 18+ as the subject matter is still disturbing even if no specifically adult language is used. Again I would ask, who is your intended audience?

Setting: You have a knack with description and the sewer setting was clear in my mind.

Structure: Very well written and edited, there are no specific grammar or punctuation issues I would call out. I did think there were a few word choices that perhaps were a little stilted and a simpler replacement might read as well or better. For instance, instead of small forms I think small bodies reads better in the first sentence. Stephanie using the word whomever didn't really fit a little girl's voice. And maybe a few places where fewer words (eliminating that and which and were) would read more powerfully. One example: Our eyes were blazing as our gaze met, and we silently nodded. Suggested instead: Eyes blazing, our gaze met and we silently nodded. But these are nits.

You have a number of great word pictures in your piece, evoking not just sights but also sounds and smells. Example: A sour smell rose from the hole causing our noses to crinkle in disgust. Your use of adjectives in general has a nice touch and doesn't seem cliched.

Voice: Sadistic and angry, it could have the potential to turn readers away. But mostly it made me sad to read of someone who has been hurt so much.

Overall Impression: You most definitely should be a writer. This story is creative, has a point, and is very well written.

Of course, writing is a very personal thing, and this review represents only my opinions. Please use what helps you and disregard the rest. I appreciate you sharing your story with me, and if anything I wrote was confusing, please free to write me back for more clarification.

This review was provided in affiliation with the Paper Doll Gang, a group dedicated to providing quality reviews and helping new members learn their way around. If you are interested in joining our active group, please let me know. Paid membership with WdC is required, but if you decide to upgrade your account, we would love to have you as a member!

Keep writing and may the muse shine on your efforts!

Thanks,
Laurie

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Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret. - Matthew Arnold
4
4
Review by Willowgreen
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings and Salutations sunshine!

I've just finished reading your essay "Learning from Experience" , and would like to provide the most effective feedback for your purpose. Your piece caught my eye because of the Naval Sea Cadet tagline you listed. My son was in the Sea Cadets for several years, so I am quite familiar with the program. However, I am not sure what motivated you to write this, or for what audience it is directed.

For instance, I first thought perhaps your intention was to use this as a college entrance essay. If that were the case, I would suggest some changes in that regard, like making the piece more targeted to one or two aspects of your experience, eliminating some of the long lists of activities, and definitely look to change some of the "they's" to "we's. Then again, maybe your division has a website or newsletter and this is sort of a recruitment/testimonial for that kind of publication. In which case the litany of specific details would actually be appropriate for that audience that would like to hear everything about what they might face at boot camp.

If you would like to email me with a little more info as to your goal with this essay I am sure I could help with more appropriate feedback.

Of course, writing is a very personal thing, and this review represents only my opinions. Please use what helps you and disregard the rest. I appreciate you posting your piece publicly, and if anything I wrote was confusing, please free to write me back for more clarification.

This feedback was provided in affiliation with the Paper Doll Gang, a group dedicated to providing quality reviews and helping new members learn their way around. If you are interested in joining our active group, please let me know. It does require an upgraded membership, but we would love to have you as a member!

Keep writing and may the muse shine on your efforts!

Thanks,
Laurie

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Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret. - Matthew Arnold
5
5
Review of Lost Thoughts  
Review by Willowgreen
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Greetings and Salutations, Dominic!

I've just finished reading your story "Lost Thoughts" , and would like to share these comments with you.

What I liked most: The emotion of the piece. Quite possibly I am just a silly old woman, but your story brought a few tears, and I don't cry that easily.

Concept: A not uncommon piece about love and regret, it has the feel of authenticity and genuine emotion. We are quite often most successful as writers when we write of our own experiences, or at least fold something of its emotion into a story. Your title is not bad, but I am not sure that Lost Thoughts really captures what you were trying to convey. Suggestion: Lost Chance. Maybe, as he no longer has the opportunity to share the pain and guilt of his mother's death with his father, that is what you were going for?

Character: Of the two, Jason is better defined. While many of the details that might allow your reader to "see" him more clearly are absent, he is shown through the range of emotions he has throughout the story. It is possible to love someone and still be angry with them, as Jason feels about his father and his smoking. Love and guilt also go hand in hand. His pleasure with a job that lacks status but allows him to care for his father expands on the empathy you feel for his character. Still, he seems a little distant in the first several paragraphs and additional hints to his character might be good.

The father is not nearly as detailed, though little bits and pieces come through. Dying of cancer, though as a result of his own actions, should make him a sympathetic character, but that sympathy doesn't come through as well. Putting his family first, at least in that he continuing working at the steel mill to support his family, aids in his defense a little more. We know he loves his son, and later confesses his guilt for his wife's death, but it just doesn't come off as "real" as Jason's emotions. Jason is likely the character you more personally identify with, but perhaps you could spend sometime imagining the story from the father's POV and see if that helps expand on his character better.

Setting: Beginning and ending in the bathroom gives the short story some symmetry, and the description of the chair is one of the best-painted aspects of the story. Mentioning the ranch gives a hint of a western location. A tiny bit more detail on your setting may also improve the story.

Structure: The easiest aspect of a story for a new writer to fix, your piece could use a bit of polish in this regard. First the spacing made the story hard to read, and assuming you want to provide the best possible experience for your readers, I would correct that first. Your first sentence provides a nice entrance to the story, though it should be "bathroom" without the space between the words.

Tense is mixed in a few places which makes the read a bit confusing. One example: "Jason stands at the sink with his hands on either side of the rim and is looking at the water running down the drain with his head held low." Stands and is looking don't agree, though there are many options to tweak this sentence. Maybe: Standing at the sink with his hands on either side of the rim, Jason watches the water run down the drain with his head held low. Or more directly: Jason stands at the sink and watches the water run down the drain. With his head held low, he asks himself, "Is it somehow my fault?" Simple but nice alliteration and feel of the words.

The second paragraph is a bit awkward, though not due so much to tense. "Although he knows his father is lying in the next room soundly asleep, he knows that inside his father is fighting for his life." Two uses of "he knows" in the same sentence is repetitious, and the adverb soundly does not fit well. Following this with the sentence fragment "Struggling with cancer in his lungs." when a more common phrase would be struggling with lung cancer. These are related thoughts, though, and you could easily wordsmith this to make it flow better. But in the same paragraph you throw in a lot more info that makes it seem like you are just trying to get the details out of the way so you can get on with sharing Jason's emotions and story. Perhaps just move the Dad pieces into a new paragraph and expand on it a little, so you don't get stern and cancer and steel mill mixed in with Jason's emotions.

There are several places with missing commas to set off the dialog tag, or case issues. For instance: "What do you need?" He replies. should be lowercase he. and "he says to the coroner "I think I am going to go to the bath room, I'll be back in a minute." " should have a comma after coroner. See http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialog... for a succinct list of examples.

Mom and Dad are inconsistently capitalized throughout the story.

There are more examples, but I hate to seem like I am picking on the punctuation and grammar. However, it is one more aspect of giving your readers the best possible experience, so it is good to go through these kinds of things with a fine-toothed comb.

Voice: Again, the voice in this piece is one of the strongest aspects of the story, at least IMHO. Writing emotionally can easily turn trite or maudlin and you escape both.

Overall Impression: For a first story here, this is a great beginning and bodes well for your future as a writer! I would not have spent the time to read and review it if I didn't think so, though my comments may seem a bit harsh. I would be happy to re-read the story and give you another critique if you decide to work on further polishing.

Of course, writing is a very personal thing, and this review represents only my opinions. Please use what helps you and disregard the rest. I appreciate you sharing your story with me, and if anything I wrote was confusing, please free to write me back for more clarification.

This review was provided in affiliation with the Paper Doll Gang, a group dedicated to providing quality reviews and helping new members learn their way around. While membership in the group requires at least the upgraded level, if you are interested in joining our active group, please let me know. We would love to have you as a member, and you will learn a lot about navigating the site, writing detailed reviews that go beyond "I liked your story," as well as quite possibly finding some good friends who share your interests.

Keep writing and may the muse shine on your efforts!

Thanks,
Laurie

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Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret. - Matthew Arnold
6
6
Review by Willowgreen
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings and Salutations plume!

I've just finished re-reading your story "A Parcel for Jeremiah Crump" , and as requested I will focus on the things you mentioned, namely:

I want to know if I've hooked the reader, if the conflict is well defined and if the characters are adequately described so that you can see them in your minds eye (big order in a very short story.) Does BB's way of speaking add to a description of the character?

What I liked most: I think you have done an excellent job re-crafting your story! You addressed each of the concerns I had originally mentioned. BB's definition, expanding on the setting so I can really see it now, while retaining the charm and conflict of the tale was great. Your first sentence is a compelling hook - definitely pulls the reader in much better in this version. Introducing the Please Go Away right at the start is a great way to foreshadow the main conflict of a curmudgeonly old hermit, who maybe doesn't want to be as alone as he proclaims.

Character: Previously I thought that BB needed to be better defined, though I thought Crump was already very easy to "see." I think you did a good job separating the background of BB from the background of Crump - and that second paragraph is very good. If anything, I think you may have gone a little too far in Crump's description now, at least in a short piece, though if you really considered making this something longer like a novel, I would add all this description as character data into my sketches. But reader's don't have to always know *everything* about a character all in one scene - though you do as the author.

Some examples of this:

"darkly clad gangly Jeremiah Crump in his wide-brimmed black hat crowning his skull-like face" That's a lot of description in one sentence, and doesn't add a lot more to the idea that he is a scary, old recluse. And later then you say "Waving his skinny long arms " and "lean scarecrow flapping in the wind" (I really like that last description though!) and "gaunt figure of a sullen Jeremiah Crump" (which is also very nice phrasing!). But less is more sometimes, so maybe cut out a word or two of all these descriptors, otherwise you may have the reader saying, yeh yeh I get it - he was a skinny old man.

The dog is another example of what I am trying to point out. "mangy easily aggravated Wolfhound", " rangy gray shaggy-haired dog with the yellow feral eyes." At a minimum you might add a comma after the first adjective in both cases and take one or two of the adjectives ideally.

And perhaps this impression does have something to do with the "accent" BB now has. A little of that can go a long way - think of a movie where the obviously American actor lays on a thick German accent so much so that it becomes fakey and you tune out. That is not to say that I think this is something you should have to change a lot in this short story, but I imagine if there were that many colloquialisms in a longer book, I might get tired of reading it. It is a tough balance to walk, and really it is fine in this piece with maybe the exception of the "o'barkin" - makes him come off as Irish and I don't think that is what you had in mind. Perhaps set a rule in your mind, ye instead of you, dropping the g on -ing words and let it go at that - just a suggestion. If the aforementioned sentence was: "And no amount a barkin' from a toothless fleabag of a dog will prevent this postman from completin' his appointed rounds."

The only other thing I would call out is the sentence: "The Wolfhound’s barking has reached a pitch such as to suggest the animal is on the verge of apoplexy. " It just reads and sounds awkward. I don't have a great suggestion right now, but I will think about it some more.

Of course, writing is a very personal thing, and this review represents only my opinions. Please use what helps you and disregard the rest. I appreciate you asking me to re-read it, and if anything I wrote was confusing, please free to write me back for more clarification.

This review was provided in affiliation with the Paper Doll Gang, a group dedicated to providing quality reviews and helping n If you are interested in joining our active group, please let me know. We would love to have you as a member!

Keep writing and may the muse shine on your efforts!

Thanks,
Laurie

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Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret. - Matthew Arnold
7
7
Review by Willowgreen
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings and Salutations lorrielee kelley !

I've just finished reading your story "Day of Princesses and Plumbers" , and would like to share these comments with you.

Of course your unique title is what drew me to the piece in the first place, and when I saw your name I immediately knew I would have to review your story. My name is Laurie Lee *Smile*

What I liked most: The title, as I already mentioned, was clever. As an avid player of Mario Bros back in the day, I wondered where the story would go. I did not expect an emotional story of regret and loss, to which I can personally relate to as I have gone through the same types of experiences myself lately, i.e. empty nest, loss of parents, etc.

Concept: I thought using the game as a metaphor for the "story" was excellent, particularly the concept of unlimited lives in the game vs. the single shot we get in real life. Perhaps this idea deserved a larger section in your piece? I am a little confused on an aspect of your story, so perhaps it needs a little clarification, or it just got a little muddled with your game analogy. Once the children have grown up and moved on, parents have passed, and friends have been lost, there is so much less to occupy your days. That hectic time does fly by, and regretting that portion of your life passing is something we are all prone to do.

But usually that means we have more time, not less, and things are not so hurried anymore. That seems to conflict with the section: "There is never enough time and everything is always so hurried, to the point that there are days when I feel like I cannot breathe. Long, lazy days without worry are days that are getting harder and harder to remember." I wondered why that was? Particularly when you end with: " Now Princesses and plumbers no longer fill my day. No more battles to be won, no more bosses to defeat. Princesses no longer need to be rescued and plumbers can no longer fly.
But I once lived in a time when they did. All that is left of those days are memories…..sweet memories of Princesses and plumbers."

Character: The "game player", yourself I assume, contemplating old memories and regretting the passing of time is a universal concept, and many people of that "certain" age can relate to loving the video game of our youth. So while the character is not "described" in a traditional sense, we can understand clearly who this is.

Setting: Not really applicable.

Structure: You have a very good concept here, and the emotion is genuine. The piece could use some polish and it would become even stronger. First, I would look at the number of words that are used repeatedly. Sometimes repeating the same word can bring a great emphasis, but here are a few cases I would look at to remove or modify:

back used 4 times, and the 2nd and third instance could just be removed
time used 12 times, and while time is a central focus of your piece, there are many other word choices you could make to enhance the flow, and
day used 12 times, same as the thought above
thought used 3 times in the same paragraph

Ellipses should just be ...

"always there to love and and to be taken care of" needs an "and" removed

A couple of places where spaces are not correct ; some where should be somewhere, and "better.Those days" needs a space after the period.

sense should be since

so quickly that i never saw it coming - the i should be uppercase

Voice: The voice is so sad and regretful, it makes me worry for you a little. I did take a peek then at your bio, which did give me more insight into your writing. Often we write just for ourselves, and don't consider the impact of our words on our reader's. How do you want your readers to feel after they read this story?

Overall Impression: As a new member of WdC, this is a very good submission for someone who may not have shared her work or written long. While it made me sad, I thought it showed a lot of promise.

Of course, writing is a very personal thing, and this review represents only my opinions. Please use what helps you and disregard the rest. I appreciate you sharing your story with me, and if anything I wrote was confusing, please free to write me back for more clarification.

This review was provided in affiliation with the Paper Doll Gang, a group dedicated to providing quality reviews and helping new members learn their way around. If you are an upgraded member or higher and interested in joining our active group, please let me know. We would love to have you as a member!

Keep writing and may the muse shine on your efforts!

Thanks,
Laurie

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Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret. - Matthew Arnold
8
8
Review of Our Beginning  
Review by Willowgreen
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings and Salutations!

Back again to close out your gift pack from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" . I noticed this poem, {item: 1582944} had no reviews and it was one of the last you had included in your port. I hope you haven't stop writing poetry? That would be a shame. Here are my thoughts on this piece.

What I liked most: My favorite part was the second stanza, particularly "Nothing to stand in my way. Nothing more to lose." I understood this poem to be a wedding vow, pledging (I do) your life to your beloved. Once you are committed, this sentiment is very apt.

Structure:I am no poetry expert, though I had a couple of classes on it. Read it out loud, trying the sounds and rhythm. The structure is uneven, though the 4th stanza is pleasant in its meter.

Imagery: Classic images of love, fairy tales and riding into the sunset. Totally understandable when in love, but perhaps those and the Hark came off a little bit trite? A "Hey, what do I hear" might be more "current", though perhaps that wasn't what you were going for.

Emotions Evoked:Love, always the poet's favorite subject. Anticipation of your new life together.

Creative use of Language:A bit cliched perhaps, "ties that bind" etc. Pretty normal when writing a poem when you are in love.

Overall Impression:A happy poem, and made me recall my own wedding journey. Again, I hope that you are continuing to write poetry and just haven't shared anything the last few months.

I appreciate you sharing your poetry, and if you would like to discuss this further, please free to write me back for more clarification on my impressions. May the muse shine on all your efforts!

Thanks,
Laurie

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Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret. - Matthew Arnold
9
9
Review by Willowgreen
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings and Salutations!

I've just finished reading your poetry "Is There A Balance" , and would like to share these comments with you.

What I liked most:Learning a new form of poetry and something of it's history! I was unfamiliar with the Tetractys form so I spent some time reviewing it first. I appreciate this opportunity. These are the rules I found (adding them in for my own reference as the form is new to me-sorry!)

The Perfect Tetractys
from Ray Stebbing

The perfect tetractys would satisfy all the following criteria:
1. the correct syllable count,
2. meaningful words (e.g. not the, a , an) in the single-syllable line,
3. line breaks that make sense, ie. conform to normal syntax, not separating words that quite obviously form a unit of meaning.
(If 2 and 3 did not apply, writing a tetractys would merely involve taking a twenty-syllable line and chopping it arbitrarily into the requisite lengths - it doesn't take a poet to do that!)
In addition to these the normal criteria for good poetry apply:
4. effective use of imagery,
5. effective choice of words,
6. appeal to the ear, certainly by rhythm, possibly by use of other sound effects (rhyme, alliteration etc),
7. and lastly, and most importantly, appeal to the intellect and the emotions; moving the reader to laughter, tears, deep thought, anger...

Structure:Certainly the syllable count is correct as is the rhythm. I also read elsewhere that it should express a single thought, which it does mostly, though perhaps the 2 questions stretch that criteria a bit, but they fit together as a choice. I saw that you labeled this Lesson 5 and I wondered if you got a grade on this? *Wink*

Imagery:This is a question I ask myself nearly every day, so while it did not have any particular imagery involved, it resonated with me.

Emotions Evoked:It poses a quandary, especially for moms like me, and as such made me sympathetic.

Creative use of Language:Pretty straightforward, nothing particular of note. Did you consider any way to add a word about the circumstances of the speaker? Tired, cranky, overworked?

Overall Impression:I enjoyed the form, your poem and learning something new. May try my hand at this myself now.

I reviewed this piece in response to "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  as a new member of PDG. I appreciate you sharing your poetry, and look forward to reading some of your other work. Though you don't seem to have a problem getting reviews. *Wink* May the muse shine on all your efforts!

Thanks,
Laurie

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Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret. - Matthew Arnold
10
10
Review by Willowgreen
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings and Salutations!

I've just finished reading your story "A Parcel for Jeremiah Crump" , and would like to share these comments with you.

What I liked most: I had a clear picture in my head of the postman opening the door, you described it very well. And your ending made me smile.

Concept: I think your piece was pretty well thought out, and I liked the play on leap year. You gave appropriate clues with the February 29th date, and the fact that the postman hadn't delivered a package in 4 years. But not so much as to give away the ending.

Character: I could "see" both your characters, though I thought Jeremiah was the better developed. You mentioned that BB was "sort of odd job guy in this town", so I expected to see something about this further into the story but it was never referred to again. Sort of a red herring and you might consider either developing that aspect more, or eliminating as it doesn't seem to have any bearing on the story. As for Crump, you begin describing him in the third paragraph, but then it is really more about BB and his thoughts about the message on the gate than it is about Crump. You return to a good description of Crump in the next paragraph, but my suggestion would be to concentrate the narrative on BB and then on Krump. I understand you are transitioning here from Crump, to his dog which is always a postman's nemesis, to Crump's gate. But it didn't seem to flow as nicely as it might.

Setting: I saw the place where they lived as being a small town in England given the reference to a cottage and a postman which seem more "British." That is great because Americans, for the most part, love our cousins there. Certainly small towns anywhere in the world are similar, but I wondered if you considered describing your city a bit more it would add to its charm.

Structure: This was the aspect of your story that I felt was the weakest and probably contributed most to my rating. First the title was confusing, but as you are new, I am guessing what you really wanted to do is to create a folder called "Short short stories & poems" with a description of "Stories of 3000 words or fewer." It led me to believe I was going to read a much longer story - which will confuse other readers perhaps. Learning to navigate this site and use all the features is a huge task in itself - more on that later. But if you edit this piece and actually title it "A Parcel for Jeremiah Crump" and give it a good tagline, that will be beneficial for your readers.

I also felt the use of the semicolon was overdone and distracting while reading. The first instance "My name is Barry Bullitt; people call me BB. " was appropriate though perhaps unnecessary. Why not two sentences that stand on their own, and would fit your story Voice well? Then you use the semicolon again in numerous instances, in some cases making the sentence too long to consume. I would suggest breaking some of them up, using a comma in some cases or just reducing the number of extraneous words in others. And of course a semicolon is a break, it's just uncommon to see it used so much.

I felt the weakest part of the story (paragraph 3, again in my opinion) was mostly due to this sort of structural issue. It sort of made the whole Keep Off idea feel over-thought or repeated, when in fact each of the ideas was illuminating by themself. Also using the colon in the fourth paragraph seemed unnecessary and an unusual placement in the story, and I would suggest tweaking that sentence a bit to remove it. Suggestion: His only companions were two cats and that mangy Wolfhound.

The first sentence of paragraph 5, "Gathering my courage, I open the gate and with trembling legs stumble to the front door where I’m met by the ravenous howl of Crump’s Wolfhound." was a bit difficult to read as it was so long as well and with no commas to separate the pieces more. Last, as Crump was a grump, stating that "Encouraged by the man’s agreeable demeanor" at first made me go "Huh?" I would suggest that if you modified it to read "Encouraged by the change in the man’s demeanor" that would more closely match the idea of the story. Otherwise I don't think anyone would say Crump had an agreeable demeanor, he just softened up for a minute.

Voice: Consistent for the most part. Given that you are describing a stern and gruff old man, again you might consider breaking up your long sentences and popping a few more short ones as that seems to me as if it would complement your subject nicely. For instance, the line "Very little is known about Jeremiah Crump" is short and to the point and one of your more effective sentences, in my opinion.

Overall Impression: I enjoyed your story very much and wondered how long you have been writing, though I understand you are new to WDC (WritingDotCom). I am fairly new here myself, but I was adopted by a group called the Paper Doll Gang and that has been most helpful. They give you a mentor to whom you can ask questions, and they created a nice course that really helps you learn your way around. If you are interested in joining the group, just let me know and I will help you with that. Also, it is sort of an unwritten policy that if we ever rate anyone less than a 4, that we offer to review it again if you do decide to make any changes. If so, just drop me a line and I will be happy to read it again.

I appreciate you sharing your story with me, and if anything I wrote was confusing, please free to write me back for more clarification. Welcome to WDC and keep on writing. May the muse shine on your efforts!

Thanks,
Laurie

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Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret. - Matthew Arnold
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Review of Onward  
Review by Willowgreen
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good title, an idea reinforced well throughout the story. A bit too much like Alien perhaps, which is one of the reasons I gave it a 4. Struggled to get through your first sentence, though I thought structurally it did evoke the title and the long search you were describing. Basically I think there were extraneous words that made it seem a little awkward. Suggestion: Deep breaths broke the tense atmosphere of the darkened control room. All eyes were fixed on the image of the long, empty corridor as the robot was guided down the steel gray opening, looking for life -- to no avail. There were a few other places where simply deleting the extra word(s) would make it seem more powerful to me. Examples: sight unseen, save for the last one (remove one), rapt and shocked, line of conversation, gave the moment some deep thought, etc. I also thought gasp and audible were overused, particularly as gasps and breaths ARE audible, so I would only use it once for emphasis, if at all. I really liked some of your phrases, especially "the operator croaked through a throat gone dry.", though I am a sucker for good alliteration, which you seemed to use well throughout the story. Thought tress was a little cheesy at the end, more fitting in an Arthurian tale than a futuristic space story. If you didn't want to just say hair, perhaps a lock of hair would be more "normal" read. Hope this helps and keep writing!
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