Interesting. I can see that you've put an immense amount of thought into this, particularly your universe's creation. That's good. Your characterization is pretty good, and I'm getting a decent idea of your characters after reading this. I do hope you'll develop Jack more as you write, and I'll explain why. You can have a character who is awesome, amazing, great at what he does, and just always seems to be on top in some way or another. You can make him the coolest, smartest, roughest and toughest guy out there, and if done right, there isn't anything wrong with that. However, a character like that is less likely to be remembered after the story ends. Think, what's more fun to read about: the guy who always wins figuring out some new way to beat this new threat, even though you know he could never lose because he's just too good? Or, the underdog, with realistic character flaws that readers can relate to,(like allergies, or fear of insects, or maybe issues with certain foods,) who we often seen get counted out, managing to rise up and topple the great challenge before him, defying the odds and only barely managing? I don't know much about Jack, but he seems to fit pretty accurately into what people would consider a great, wise assassin, and because he fits so well, it's hard for him to stand out, and therefore harder to remember him. Just something to think on, if you'd like. = )
Now, as for the back story of your world. Before you start, you warn the reader about how unusual this world is, and tell us that it might be difficult to understand, but that it's unique and cool. I strongly recommend you remove all of that, for several reasons:
1. Right off the bat, you're jarring your reader. They're here to read the story, and a preface like that that breaks the fourth wall to make what amounts to a warning or excuse about the complexity of the universe has no place in it.
2. This is a fantastic, complex, massive universe filled with history and lore, and mysteries to unravel... Why would you ruin that for your reader? Don't tell your reader you're going to show them something like that. This is a fantasy. You want them to be wowed and overwhelmed. So, don't soften them up for it, just show them, even if you can only do so a little at a time, because that's what's going to make them keep reading and learning.
3. You have a perfect place in your story to work that explanation in without any sort of odd preface or out of character explanation. When Alex is telling Jack about who he is, and about the world, THAT is the ideal place for the reader to hear it too. Your reader will want to relate to your main character, Jack. So, you want them to be seeing and learning about this world as he does. Up until that point, don't overwhelm your reader with facts like a history book. Hook their interest through mystery. Start with a master assassin on a seemingly dead world, in front of a cold, black castle. He has no idea why he's there, only that he is there to do a job. He's not sure if it's safe, or worth it, all he knows is that he needs to move forward to learn more. (Which is EXACTLY the mindset you want in your reader! Keep them curious! Keep them wanting to find out more!)
I found several grammar mistakes, and I suggest you don't be too hard on yourself about them. I'm pretty sure all of us who have put pen to paper have something to learn about proper grammar, I know I do. =P
- A few times, you switched from past-tense to present-tense:
"The door opened, and he sees a man," This should be "The door opened, and he saw a man."
"smiling as he's doing so." You want this to be something like "Smiling as he did."
Make sure to keep your tense consistent.
- "Talon, created a home for themselves. A dead, rocky planet in which" Couple things wrong here. "Created a home for themselves" is awkward, especially since we only know of Talon when this is stated. It would be better written as "Created a home for himself and his son." The next sentence is incomplete. I think what you meant to do was to put a colon, so that the description of the planet is part of the same sentence as Talon creating it. You do this again in a few other places. Remember, if a sentence is a description, then what you're describing needs to be in the same sentence, even if it's just saying "It was a dead, rocky planet," or "It ranged from stars going supernova..."
- You use commas in incorrect spots a few times, for example: "He then, needed to differentiate the difference..." This is part of the same thought, with no changing in subject or context, and no need for a pause, therefore you don't need a comma. Also, differentiate the difference is redundant. I believe what you mean to say is "Differentiate between..." or "discern the difference..."
- A couple times, you needed a comma and didn't place one, for example: "the two forces is chaotic creating suffering and destruction." If you read this aloud, there is a pause in between "chaotic" and "creating." That's because this becomes a list of more than one thing, and therefore you need a comma there between each listed thing. "The two forces is chaotic, creating suffering and destruction."
- "wanted a strait answer.". The word you mean here is "straight." Strait" is something different altogether.
I hope this didn't seem harsh, as it's intended to be friendly critique and advice to help you further you skills as a writer, and to develop this very intriguing story you've created. All in all, you've created an attention-grabbing universe, and a plot that promises to be massive and potentially mind-blowing. Touch up your presentation a bit, and you'll be off to a great start! Keep me updated with it as you write, and feel free to ask me if you'd like any more help. = )
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "