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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wr1t1ng4fun
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13 Public Reviews Given
13 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by websterb
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think there is a lot of promise here. You describe the scene well, particularly the interaction with the stranger in the cafe. Two small thoughts I had:

the radio in the shower - I wondered what was playing?
"Like anything else that involved my leaving the house" - I didn't fully understand this sentence

I also wondered what was on the mind of the protagonist in the beginning. They seemed to be in a rush and slightly on edge about something. It may well be this is a continuation of another piece, which would explain this. Also when you said "today was not the day for this", it again implied the expectation of some big event.

There is a lot of ways it could continue. Will you speak with the man? Will he disappear and reappear later in your narrative? I look forward to reading what happens!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Jealous  
Review by websterb
Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem conveyed a lot of anger. I thought the first two stanzas flowed very well. The last stanza felt a bit more disjointed.

"Learning to find sensuality in one's self." - where you referring to the writer of the poem? Perhaps use "I am learning"
"Ultimately comfort in myself is most essential." - I think there are two many words in this line

Overall I definitely felt the emotions you were try convey.
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Review of Galactic Yoga  
Review by websterb
Rated: E | (3.5)
You give a fascinating account of some of your life experiences. You describe the events vividly and your prose is engaging. I would consider developing more of the psychological response of the protagonist to the doctor's announcement and drawing a clearer parallel between the different life experiences you relate. How could you draw the varied experiences together around a cohesive theme?
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Review of Oak  
Review by websterb
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought this was a very innovative piece. The storm adds engaging dramatic tension part way through, which I think was important. I would think about editing the final paragraph to include elements of ageing and approaching death, which would be an interesting contrast to the new generation you mention.
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