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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wristswings
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17 Public Reviews Given
17 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by wristswings
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I love it! It's a very cute little piece of flash fiction that I think wouldn't be put of place in a children's collection. However, you might want to pay attention to your tenses, because your story seems to veer between past, past participle, and present tense.

'These sentences are incomplete: 'Trying to show me it would all be okay. That there was nothing to worry about.' You might want to incorporate them into a single sentence, or add a subject to the sentences.

Otherwise, good job at building tension and engaging the reader!


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2
2
Review by wristswings
Rated: E | (2.5)
Good start. A few things:
1. Perhaps, as this is an academic paper, you should try to re-read your paper for casual expressions or phrases, such as 'most sensible children to get their acts together', which is a colloquialism.
2. You can also try to preserve word economy, that is, using as little words as possible to express what you feel so that your writing comes out concise and snappy. Sentences such as 'Although most cultures, regardless of background, all wish for success for their children, they all have different methods of achieving it.' are clunky and wordy, especially 'they all have different methods of achieving it'. One way to do this is splitting your longer sentences into two so that they don't appear so convoluted.
3. Perhaps you could try writing about how Western methods of parenting are sometimes effective, to fill up space, and give your essay a more balanced analysis of the two approaches to parenting.

Otherwise, good attempt!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of That's you  
Review by wristswings
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's a great poem! One doesn't normally see rhyming poetry very much these days, and those who do attempt it frequently make it sound cheesy or otherwise clunky and unappealing. But you make it work, more or less, in this instance. Pay attention to punctuation - 'Times hands' should have an apostrophe in there somewhere, I think. A few commas between phrases such as 'I can't contain myself[,] I really want to scream' - would work better in preserving the fidelity of the poem. Otherwise good job.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of The Sound  
Review by wristswings
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Excellent story! It was sufficiently engaging, and I was invested in the protagonist enough to get progressively frustrated with the things you put him through. Good job! However, I feel that his relationship with the other characters, such as Beth and Ricky, and even his landlady, could have been further explored. Great dialogue and characterisation, though. Thank you for the read!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Frozen  
Review by wristswings
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a sweet little haiku, and has an underlying meaning of hope and promise to it. I like the contrast between the frozen grass and the promising sun! perhaps 'peeks out to shine down' could be reworded to make it more nimble. good attempt otherwise!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Why I Write  
Review by wristswings
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I loved it! It was a light-hearted, sweet outlining of what must have been a less-than-orthodox childhood. I envy the linguistic meticulousness with which you were brought up, though - perhaps I would have acquired the habit of looking up words unfamiliar to me.

There are those who say one should not end sentences with prepositions - 'As a young child I loved to be read to' - but in this case I can't think of any other way to phrase it, so I'm not going to say anything, except good job, and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Elsewhere  
Review by wristswings
Rated: E | (3.5)
For a new attempt at fantasy, I like it very much! This piece of flash fiction - if that's what you were aiming for - is whimsical and does communicate the sense of tranquility that I think you were going for. The calm before the storm, perhaps?

However, as this is a short piece, the writing is quite linear and there's not much happening, plot-wise. Perhaps you could think about putting us into the thick of the action, as this reads like an introduction to a longer piece, which it very well may be. Otherwise, good attempt! I hope to see you flexing those imaginative muscles in the future!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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