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18 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Lament  
Review by Steve
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi. I am Steve and I am here to review your writing. I like the poem, it sort of reminds me of one of those black and white perfume ads that you sometimes see on television. I read everything first through for spelling and grammatical errors...didn't see anything and that looks great.

The second section, "Leaning on Lady Lenore's strong left arm then" I think I would cut the "then". I continue with "Lowers herself ladylike into the chair." I am still not sure whether to say ladylike is a word...perhaps the hyphenated version? "Ladies living beyond their time" I might consider putting a comma at the end of this line. "Lady-like down to the"(you did use the hyphenated version here.) The rest of this section seems to be fine.

The transition into the next section is a little stilted...maybe a way of easing the reader into the next section would be something to consider. "Listen! You can hear the music still." I think I would consider working this section over again...read it aloud and see what you think.

Very nice ending. Simple, not drawn out, no drawn out phrases. Perfect. Good job. Keep up the good work. I have enjoyed the privilege of reading your work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review by Steve
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi, I am write4it, and I am here to briefly review your writing. I always check first for spelling, grammatical, and punctuation errors. I read through first once looking for these things, and then I start to zero in on the specifics.

This appears to be written in a news bulletin form, very short and succint. I appreciate brevity. The first real sentence, "Head of a religious political party of the country Jamaat-e-Islami Bangladesh Moulana Motiur Rahman Nizami..." seems to need the correct punctuation. I think I would set the name of the country apart from the rest of the sentence, so you can see clarity. The name of the country(Jamaat-e-Islami Bangladesh), the head of the political party(name of political party), and then..."is imprisoned in the central jail after being convicted as a war criminal by the supreme court of Bangladesh."

I again would seek brevity but clarity. You want the reader to understand the information clearly. "After the verdict of his death of the supreme court being published his gallows...." I think you need to change this to make it more simple. Try After the verdict handed down by the supreme court, a death sentence was passed..." You want the reader to understand that the supreme court was passing a judgment on this head of the religious political party, and the sentence was death. The gallows, not being ready, caused the execution to be delayed. "After the verdict of the death sentence handed down by the supreme court was published, the execution was delayed due to the gallows not being ready. A petition was submitted to review the verdict until the matter was resolved."

After hearing the review of the petition,(add a comma here) the supreme court has set 05 May,(add comma here) 2016,(add comma here) as the date of giving verdict on his review petition.

Keep it simple when writing. Just state the idea and then support it with statements. Keep working on the punctuation. When using a day in a calendar year in a sentence, make sure to use commas after the month, and also after the year. Keep working...you'll get better.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review by Steve
Rated: E | (3.5)
What beats within this land so close this time
To my hand and mind
What heart has timed its beat to mine
Its rhythm leaves none behind to find

Throbbing notes tender with terror so sweet in beat
Imagine now my swollen feet
Cries my own and I take a seat
Breaking down now in rhythm and heat
The same letters that make EARTH make HEART see



Hi. I am write4it, and I will be reviewing your poem, Standing Up We All Fall Down. I usually start my review by reading aloud any poetry. The rhythm of the piece, even in free verse, usually gives me an idea of how it sounds. I am also looking for grammatical, spelling, and punctuation errors.

As I read the first line, "What beats within this land so close this time", I had a sense of it being arrhythmic. It might be more melodic, without changing the meaning too much to merely drop the "this time." That would make it,"What beats within this land so close".

The second line,"To my hand and mind" are ok, but if you wanted to keep the "this time", you could put this at the beginning. An alternative is "This time to my hand and mind".

The third line is beautiful. I think this is one of my favorite lines in editing poetry so far. What heart has timed its beat to mine. I honestly think you can't do any better with this line. Very good.

The fourth line is Its rhythm leaves none behind to find
. It is a little formal, but I think it is correct grammatically. Good.

The fifth line is What remains a broken heart the near winds unwind. I read this and reread this. It seems a little awkward, and I don't know why. It might be more easy to read if you broke it into a smaller bite for me the reader. I think "What remains a broken heart" line break, and"The near winds unwind" might be easier to read.

The sixth line of the poem, Throbbing notes tender with terror so sweet in beat, is another awkward line. I think I would use smaller lines, and let the meaning of the words work for you. "Throbbing notes tender" line break and"With terror so sweet in beat" or another version...."Throbbing notes tender with terror" line break "So sweet in beat". Just suggesting other options here.

The seventh line, "Imagine now my swollen feet" seems to be fine.

The eight line, "Cries my own and I take a seat" seems to be fine.

The ninth line, "Breaking down now in rhythm and heat is also fine.

The tenth line, "The same letters that make EARTH make HEART see. The end word, "see" is not a usual English sentence ending, and I personally would drop it. "The same letters that make EARTH make HEART.

I enjoyed reading this poetry, it is very beautiful in concept. I think I would work with it and fine tune it a little. Make it easier to read, or let it be "rhythmically meaningful", as an English teacher of mine used to say. Keep up the good work...and keep writing.







*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review by Steve
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Tim Chiu, I am write4it. I am here to read and review your work. I am also a writer, and enjoy adding suggestions. I usually start with reading the work out loud. You seem to have a nice sense of rhythm, nice use of language. I like that.

The things I look for are spelling errors, which I don't see. I also look for grammatical errors, and I don't see any glaring mistakes. Big mistakes like a subject being singular and having a plural verb stand out...I didn't see anything wrong here.

Streamlining might be the one thing I might suggest. I don't think "ands" are that important to the meaning, especially in the poem. An example might be the second line of the second stanza.
Games and bright flowers,
And outgrowing old shoes,
Watching television for hours,
From timely, close views.
It would still have the same meaning, and might be easier to read. Suggested revision:
Games and bright flowers,
Outgrowing old shoes,
Watching television for hours,
From timely, close views.


I would do similar things further into the poem, reviewing the use of "But," "And", and "So," to see if they are essential. If you are trying to keep the rhythm, then they can serve a purpose for maintaining meter. You may not need commas after every line. If it is a complete sentence that is broken up by the structure of the poem, you don't need the comma.

Thank-you for allowing me to read your work. This is an enjoyable piece of writing. I would love to read more work that you have written. Keep up the good work and keep writing.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by Steve
Rated: E | (3.0)

Are you not tired of all the he saids and she saids because ultimately what matters is what you said but what you said went over his head and went over her head so you said I won't bother saying anything if what I say is always overshadowed by what they say and even though you had your secrets to share you sewn your lips shut because you felt that what you said mattered little.

And the sun also seems to have something to say but you do not know what language it speaks so it shines incessantly onto your thought table without asking your permission or maybe it is asking but, you cannot answer for your lips are sealed.

And life begins where you end yourself is what they say always what the say even the walls of your bedroom echo what they say and you think that what you say is neglected even by the walls that surround you but you end up saying it regardless for us humans always feel the need to say, something, anything, to feel valued but you say to yourself that you do not speak to feel valued but because you have something of value to say but, you know that you are lying to yourself.

And the girl with lucid blue eyes or the girl in the bright blue jeans or the girl with jet black hair are all the same have always been the same and the sun shines on them also for they too are part of the apparatus that clutters your brain, and he says to declutter the mess in your head that it will only take space that you could leave empty and stare at and she says not to replace your old thoughts with new ones and they say and they say and they say.

And they say that you can find god in the bottle that god himself or herself is most likely an alcoholic so they say drink up and you drink 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 because that is how many sips it takes to find god and then you see god as a sad baby frog and you are happy because he/she is still alive but barely breathing and then you realize that god is teetering, tired, alone, gasping for company, longing for air, teetering on the edge of an uncertain death.
© Copyright 2016 Mahan.K (mahan1993 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.


I enjoy reading new writers and their use of language. Your phrasing, sentences, and in some cases, grammatical use of language needs a few pointers. The first sentence,"Are you not tired of all the he saids and she saids because ultimately what matters is what you said but what you said went over his head and went over her head," needs to be broken up into parts. I would put a pause, using a comma or a semicolon. "The next section, "so you said I won't bother saying anything if what I say is always overshadowed by what they say and even though you had your secrets to share you sewn your lips shut, needs modification. "So you said<comma><quotations>I won't bother saying anything if what I say is always overshadowed by what they say and even though you had your secrets to share you seem to think you sewed your lips shut,"(The sewn your lips shut is not the correct verb tense). I would then end the quotes, then the final part of the sentence,"because you felt that what you said mattered little." as the conclusion.

And the sun also seems to have something to say but you do not know what language it speaks so it shines incessantly onto your thought table without asking your permission or maybe it is asking but, you cannot answer for your lips are sealed. This next paragraph, I would drop the "And", and just start the sentence directly with "The sun also seems to have something to say but you do not know what language it speaks." Beautiful combination of words and I like this section. I would consider dropping the "also" and just leave it as "The sun seems to have something to say but you do not know what language it speaks." Again, you are using "so" to make it into a runon sentence, which isn't a good use of language....drop the "so" and just make it "<semicolon>It shines incessantly onto your thought table without asking your permission." End the sentence here. Drop the "or", and begin a new sentence,"maybe it is asking but, you cannot answer for your lips are sealed.

The stream of consciousness is a good idea, and could be used to tap into the inner voice of the lead character. I think "As I Lay Dying," was one of those pieces that used this technique. It becomes obtuse, and from a reader's point of view, not easy to follow. I might be inclined to drop the "so" and "and" and look at each little section as an independent statement or sentence.

Make sure you use the spell checker, there are a few verb tenses as well that aren't agreeing with the subject of the sentence. Keep up the good work, and keep writing. You have a great idea...and the use of language is beautiful. Keep it simple. {emo:smile}
6
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Review of Aquastar  
Review by Steve
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Through the centruies i have waited.
And in each life i watched as you smiled.
Happy we were when together.
Though find one another it seems we must forever.
Together life we enjoy.
Even if raising a girl or boy.
when not with you upon my heart i feel a scar.
For miss you i will always till next we meet Aquastar.


Wonderful. I enjoy this piece; it seems to have a nice flowing quality to it. I would suggest that you capitalize the "i" in the first line, the second line, the seventh line, and the eighth line. Run the spell check...I think that "centruies" in the first line should be "centuries." In the fourth line, I would put a comma after "another" and before the "it". Seventh line, I would capitalize the first word,"When..". I would put a comma after "heart" and before the "i".

Corrected version:

Through the centuries I have waited.
And in each life I watched as you smiled.
Happy we were when together.
Though find one another, it seems we must forever.
Together life we enjoy.
Even if raising a girl or boy.
When not with you upon my heart, I feel a scar.
For miss you I will always till next we meet Aquastar.

Thank-you again for allowing me to read your writing. I enjoyed it. Make sure you run spell check. Look for the capitalization on the first line of a poem. Insert commas for pause. A good guideline is to read it aloud. When you stop to take a breath, there is a good chance it is a great place to put a comma.

Keep up the good work, and keep writing.
7
7
Review by Steve
Rated: E | (2.0)
Thank-you for letting me read your writing. It was an interesting piece. I would like to suggest a few things to make it sound better. You may take my suggestions or not, I am merely suggesting ways of writing it. I am looking for grammatical, syntax, and spelling errors for starters.

In the first sentence, "It’s been generations since this town was just a wolf pack called DawnPack Camp but now it just called Dawn City.." I think it would sound better with a comma after the DawnPack Camp and before the but. It should read, "It's been generations since this town was just a wolf pack called Dawnpack Camp, but now it is just called Dawn City."

The next sentence fragment needs work*Frown*. "Ever since Tiny Wolf saved it from a Lawless invasion after he was kicked out cause they thought he was a Lawless cause he had the scratch.” The teacher went on . Ok. We look at the subject of the sentence,"it" as being the town, Dawn City. It has been called Dawn City ever since Tiny Wolf saved it from a Lawless invasion. That is a sentence. We need to add the rest of it,"It has been called Dawn City ever since Tiny Wolf saved it from a Lawless invasion, shortly after he was kicked out because(use because instead of 'cause...unless it is the voice of a character)they thought he was a Lawless. He had the scratch. You are trying to put two sentences into one, and not using the right format. Make sure your sentences have a subject and a verb. It sounds much better that way. "It has been called Dawn City ever since Tiny Wolf saved it from a Lawless invasion, shortly after he was kicked out because they thought he was a Lawless. He had the scratch." It sounds better that way.

The next paragraph, again, I am watching for sentence fragments. Each sentence has a subject and a verb.

My name is Tiny Wolf apparently my great, grandpa’s great grandpa’s great grandpa’s was Tiny Wolf’s family tree on Nova’s side I don’t really know it’s just what I heard. To add I’m not a wolf just you’re average beagle. Who wore a pair of blue jeans a red shirt with a purple sweater a pair of purple converse all stars and just cause I liked Tiny’s original look so I am also wearing a purple bandanna around my neck like he used to only I am not hiding anything.


Right off, I would start the paragraph with,"My name is Tiny Wolf." That is the introductory sentence to the next paragraph. Then, "Apparently, my great grandpa's great grandpa was Tiny Wolf's(Tiny Wolf is your lead character's name...) family tree on Nova's side, I don't know...it's just what I heard." Then, you can add,"I'm not a wolf, just your average beagle." I would drop the "To add..." and add a comma after "wolf", just before the "just". The next sentence fragment...where is the verb and the subject? "Who wore a pair of blue jeans and a red shirt with a purple sweater a pair of purple converse all stars..." has to be fixed. I would change the "Who" to "I wore a pair of blue jeans a red shirt and a purple sweater (add with) with a pair of purple converse all stars. End the sentence there...avoid the run-on sentence...it sounds better when it is a shorter sentence. "and just cause I liked Tiny's original look so I am also wearing a purple bandanna around my neck like he used to only I am not hiding anything..." is not a complete sentence and several grammatical errors jump out at me. New sentence,"'Cause I liked Tiny's original look, (drop the so and add a comma),I am also wearing a purple bandanna around my neck like he used to(add a comma here), only I am not hiding anything."

I am sorry to say my time is running thin, but I think you need to work on the sentence structure. Your lead character, is you...you are telling this in the first person. Your character likes the Tiny Wolf, and wants to imitate him. Work on the subject of the sentence, and the verb. What is the character or the subject doing? Is it dialogue? Use the slang sparingly. You want your reader to be able to follow you...it is more fun when people read your writing.

Keep working at it....again it doesn't come overnight...keep up the good work.

8
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Review of HECTOR'S ELEGY  
Review by Steve
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
HECTOR'S ELEGY

We shudder in grief, O bitter tears do we shed,
For the death of our world, the mortal flesh that has bled.
Damn you Homer! damn to you all!
For letting our hero, great Hector fall.

What right have you Homer, and to others speak well,
On the death of a legend, O such beauty in hell.
The gods in their shame, now to Hector must cry,
Forgive us great warrior, for letting you die.

The flame of his glory, through time shall it spread,
But Achilles in hades, no tears shall he shed.
No victor! the spoils, shall be sown far asunder,
In the memory of Hector, their ships will go under.

Damn you Homer! damn to you all!
For letting our hero, great Hector fall.
The Greeks in their joy, shall reap bitter love,
For Hector, our Hector, watches above.

The great gods of Troy, now hiding in shame,
Will bring back his memory, his glory, his fame.
When Hector again, walks the land in his might,
Priam in glory, will sit on his right.


Beautiful. I enjoy well written poetry, and you seem to have a command of the language of verse. I always read poetry aloud, in order to feel the sense of rhythm, and it flowed well. I did notice a few areas that were a little stilted, but that may be the way I read it. In the first stanza,"We shudder in grief, O bitter tears do we shed," I believe that it would sound better as "We shudder in grief, bitter tears do we shed," leaving the "...O..." out of it.

The third line in the first section, "Damn you Homer! Damn to you all!" This might sound better if it were read "Damn you Homer! Damn you for all!" Just a suggestion...but it might make more grammatical sense.

The second section, "What right have you Homer, and to others speak well," I think would sound better without the "and" in the second part. It makes it flow when read aloud. Second line in the second section, "On the death of a legend, O such beauty in hell," would sound better as "On the death of a legend, such beauty in hell." I think I would drop the "O," again, unless you want to keep it for emphasis.

The third section, the second line, "But Achilles in hades, no tears shall he shed." might be better as a capitalized Hades,"But Achilles in Hades, no tears shall he shed." I think the next line,"No victor! the spoils, shall be sown far asunder," would read better without the comma."No victor! the spoils shall be sown far asunder," would be a better way to do this.

In the fifth section, in the third line,"When Hector again, walks the land in his might," again might read better without the comma, "When Hector again walks the land in his might," and makes it flow when read aloud.

Thank-you for the opportunity to review you. It was well worth the read. I hope you can use my suggestions, and keep writing.





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