Beautiful and heart wrenching piece. You certainly caught the essence of a child's innocence and imagination, even in difficult situations (which you also portray fabulously!) It is amazing what children see and understand, even when we try to protect them.
rusted out Oldsmobile, stabing into his head like a knife..."stabing" should be "stabbing" (two b's)
"What ever you say. I see you're...I believe 'what ever' should be combined into 'Whatever"
What should I do..." ,he whimpers to an end....the comma here is out of place and can most likely be removed all together.
He can't even tell what year it is let alone the details of a conversation...I believe that there should be a comma after 'is'
She shoves Tom aside jostling his ribs in her rush. "He's crazy I tell you." she says looking over her shoulder...there should be a comma after 'aside' and one after "He's crazy I tell you" instead of a period. I also believe that you need a comma after 'she says'
in a tree, buy still gives a civil, "OK"...'buy' here should be 'but'
..."can't be that bad". 'can't" should be capitalized and all end punctuation should be placed within the confines of the quotation marks.
Tom winses as he sits on the end of the bed....'winses' should be spelled 'winces'
She started out with mariwana and definatly moved on from there. She's getting that thin, pail look....'mariwana' is spelled 'marijuana' and 'pail' should be 'pale' here as a 'pail' is something you use to carry and 'pale' means light or void of color.
The tears slip loose. My sister has shacked up with Mr. Tailor,...there should be a set of beginning quotation marks between 'loose' and 'My'
money, to cruelty and even a murder....I believe that there should be a comma after 'cruelty' here
The cops can't or won't work hard enough to prove, it but...the comma here should be moved to after 'it' (I think that's where you meant to place it) and there can be commas placed around "or won't"
Tom knows grandpa isn't paying attention, after all he's senile. He still says, "Thanks grandpa."...everytime you use the word 'grandpa' like this it isn't just a title, it's his name and should therefore be capitalized.
He still says, "Thanks grandpa." and feels better having shared....There should be no period after 'Grandpa' (which, incidentally, should be capitalized as it is being used as a name) because it does not end the actual sentence. Therefore, a comma should replace that period. =)
Some times yes and some times no." John replies....Sometimes is one word
Some times yes and some times no." John replies...this is an other case where the period within the quotation marks should instead be a comma.
The next day, after several nerve wracking minutes Tom...there should be a closing comma after 'minutes' here
"What ever." Tom dejectedly replies....'what ever' should be one word here
The first house John is instructed to stop at is a green double wide...I believe that here Tom would be the one being instructed to stop as Joohn is the Grandfather's name and Tom is the one driving.
With a curt, "I have to go. I have a busy day planed. Thank you." John turns and leaves....'planed' here should be 'planned'
Also, there should be a comma after 'Thank you' instead of a period.
Tom scurries back to the car tearing his new jacket....there should be a comma here after 'car'
Grandpa tells Tom to, show him where Sarah lives....you do not need a comma in this sentence
Get back in the car! It's to dangerous in...'to dangerous' should be 'too dangerous'
Grandpa sets the first case on the ground and flips it open...this is the first time you mention any cases at all.
by the ally to watch...ally should be alley in several instances in this passage you forget the 'e' (I do it all the time too)
..."I don't think so boys this is for Mr. Tailor up there."...I believe that there should be a comma after 'boys'
..."I'm not impressed by you old man!", comes out the window. Again, the comma belongs inside the quotation marks and the exclamation mark is not appropriate here.
The guards and the man in the window Mr.,High as a kite, Tailor himself have been roused from the castle....the comma here should not be after Mr. but should be around 'window, Mr. High as a Kite Tailer, himself,"
The drug lord is covered in so much gold that it might serve as armor....I really like this imagery. Good job
take off and hide in there self made prison complete with bars....in this instance 'there' should be 'their' and there should be a comma after 'prison'
This is a good story. With a little work and polish I think this will be a wonderful story. Keep up the good work.
only much much more efficient and quickly...'efficient and quickly' should either be 'efficiently and quickly' or 'efficient and quick' (although the first sounds much better to my ears ;) )
Her father fell silent as though the statement was meant for him which Fay was sure it was. ..there should be a comma between 'him' and 'which' (i.e. - ...was meant for him, which Fay was sure it was.)
That night, when Fay woke up, thirsty, and decided to get a drink from the kitchen. Her mom's strangled cry came through the
half-open door of the room. Fay froze, listening carefully...this is all broken up in the piece and should be close together as it is one sentence.
Thanks to their brilliance in their studies. No teacher would ever doubt their word....it seems to me that these two sentences should be combined.
She had a paper to write and she wanted to do on Time Travel....I think this should be 'she wanted to do 'it' on Time Travel' (I always seem to miss small words like that when I'm typing things out)
She was kind-hearted and her ached to see her boyfriend's sister...I think you may have meant to say that 'she ached' or 'her heary ached' here
can get it cleaned up in the toillet," Nita consoled Fay. "No worries."...I believe that you have accidentally added an extra 'l' to toilet here.
"I'll talk to her as soon as she get back from...here 'get' should be 'gets'
glad that she wouldn't be around to hurt me anymore....to me "won't" would make more sense here than "wouldn't" does.
And I mourning for...I believe this should either be 'And I am mourning for...' or "And I mourn for..."
She was my bestfriend. I am going to miss her...'bestfriend' should be two words "best friend"
She was in a worst condition than you...I belive that 'worst' should 'worse'
A few later, he visited her grave....I think you probably meant this as 'a few days later'
This is a very interesting premise for a story. I think that if you add to this piece, possibly include the moment Fay tells Alyssa about her father, etc. that this will make a wonderful Novella, or even Novel. I enjoyed reading your characters and encourage you to flesh them and the story out more.
At age ten, my first titillating exposure came with the move, Them, a 1954 James Arness...here "move" should be 'movie'
but the wind chill was agony to his frail aging body...I believe that there should either be a comma or an 'and' here. i.e. "the wind was agony to his frail, aging body..." OR "the wind was agony to his frail 'and' aging body..."
I’m getting to old for work like this, Yoshida thought....here 'to' should be 'too'
virtual gold mine to other scientist....I think that here the single 'scientist' should be made into the plural 'scientists'
Yoshida knew they both had visions of Jurassic Park dancing in their adolescent minds....this is slightly nitpicky but I wanted to include it in the review...while the word adolescent here is meant to convey their youthfulness, most people think of teenagers when they hear/see that word. Graduate students would not actually be adolescent, so while they are much younger than Dr. Yoshida, perhaps that is not the best word to use in this instance.(?) (One of my biggest pet peeves as an editor for friends and students etc. is the use of innappropriate words. I often make them mad at me by pointing out that while their word use is effective, it is not the best word for that particular instance. I apologize if my editing upsets you in any way.)
He is one of the best Paleobologist in the world....I believe that 'Paleobologist' should be 'Paleobiologist'
I enjoyed this chapter and will move on to chapter two sometime soon. I look forward to discovering what type of eggs they have found. Happy Holidays! Write ON!
At the time of their arrival, the sky had been in that visual netherworld between shadows and vapour; now it was darker and the wind had a sharper edge....I love the visualization here, the words bring to mind a brillliant picture. However, you haven't spoken of the wind before so I believe instead of saying that it has a 'sharper edge' you should say something like 'the wind had a sharp edge," or "the wind had a definite bite..." etc.
Woie, Chris. I promised you two hours, I've stayed for three.”...'Woie" do you mean "Woah"
I hope Louisa's gets home safe, Chris thought..."Louisa's" should actually just be "Louisa" here
Michelle slithered her arms round his chest, and slowly nudged him with her bosom....you don't need the comma here.
Then she pressed the reply button...You say here that she presses the reply button, but a few sentences later you say taht Louisa never replied to Stacey's text...If that is the case then perhaps 'reply button' should be 'erase button' (?)
This is a very interesting story. I like the way you have formed the characters over such a short piece, although I feel like you could do a little more with that (such as explaining earlier what Chris' nickname is, or adding more detail about Michelle and Louisa's relationship etc.). All in all, I enjoyed this story very much and hope that my review has helped in some way. Write ON!
I found that the need to stop love's game and the feeling of love still there in the end were very vividly placed in my mind after reading this piece. You've done a good job with the rhyme scheme, meter, and wording. Keep up the wonderful work and have a glorious day!
uncomfortable edge of the rock As soon as I sat,...I think there should be a period after 'rock' here
I like this story as a whole, although I think that you could expand it or create other short stories about the peeves. THis was a very interesting take on pet peeves and I enjoyed reading it immensely! Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day!
where in an instant he shot out of the mud hole and was zipping into the clouds within seconds....I feel that you don't need to use both 'in an instant' and 'within seconds' in this sentence as it feels redundent to me. Using either one will allow the reader to know that it took only a moment for Bumba to shoot from the mud, and won't be repeating yourself as if the readers couldn't understand the meaning (which I'm sure was not your intent at all!)
Her descendants were involved in the great elephant...wouldn't they be her ancestors?
Taco still has ancestors from that era living at the Cabarceno Zoo, which is where she picked up her great accent by reading their letters....instead of 'ancestors' here it might make more sense (at least to me) to say that Taco still had 'relatives' from that era living...
Another suggestion for this sentence is that 'which is where she picked up her great accent by reading their letters' sounds a bit off to me and might make more sense as something along the lines of 'reading their letters helped her pick up the great accent'
real status would be to take charge of the EIEIO, or the Expansion of Interiors to the Eastern Islands Organization...this line made me laugh, which disconcerted my students as I was reading this story as they took a test...hehe
The elephants knew that all monkeys, apes, and chimps were all thieves;...I don't think that you need both occurances of 'all' here
THis story is hilarious! I loved the detail you put into it. There were a few places in which you switched between past and present tense, but other than that the entire story was fairly well written and funnier than I originally thought it would be. Bumba was a great character, but I think Taco was my favorite, she brought so much to the herd.
Have a great day and keep up the wonderful work! Good luck with the "vote for the gold" contest
Of course, then she'd killed me...'killed' should be 'kill' in this instance
football field, is the new contetant on "Who...'contetant' should be 'contendor'
The voice, wnich belonged to my mother...'wnich' should be 'which'
Hey, I'm sleeping aroun tonight....'aroun' should probably be 'around'
Latino version of 'Desperate Housevwives...'Housevwives' should be 'Housewives'
After hitting, Lincoln Street, I stopped at...I don't think that you need the first comma here
stopped at the cornernd took a piece...'cornernd' should be 'corner and'
took a piece of paper out of my coat pocket and looked at the words on the paper: ...since you already said that you took a piece of paper out of your pocket, perhaps the second instance of the word could be changed so the sentence doesn't sound so redundent. Possible to something like....'took a piece of paper out of my coat pocket and looked at the words scrawled across it.'
neighborhood believes in alarma, or...'alarma' should be 'alarms'
THis is a very cute and interesting story so far. I realy look forward to seeing what else happens to Andy! Keep up the great work and welcome to WDC!
I love this article! Your use of words is phenomenol and your point is well put. You have written a succint and informative personal belief article that puts into words what I have been thinking for a while and didn't quite know how to say. Kudos to you for your outspoken reach to women who need this new approach!
Keep up the great work, and welcome to the wonderful world of writing.com I hope your stay here is as fun and helpful as mine has been so far.
When she looked down, once again she saw the shape of a rabbit...o.k. this is kind of picky, but I think this sentence would sound better as 'she once again saw...'
Since the rabbit, I mean I was the last...I think there should be commas around 'I mean'
by all the animals she had fed and loved all during her 92 years. ...I don't think you really need the second 'all' in this sentence. The double use of the word seems to throw the flow off a little for me.
This is a sweet and interesting short story. You've done a good job with this, as you do with the rest of your work! Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day.
in this society is reflections of ones own self...I believe that this sentence might sound better as 'in this society is a reflection of one's own self..."
flashes before your minds eye,...'minds' should be "mind's"
I'm just curious here, being of a mix between christian and "pagan" beliefs myself, which Christian religion you base your "anti" Christian beliefs on, because they don't quite mesh with what I was taught growing up as a preacher's daughter. I would love to discuss theology with you sometime. I absolutely adore learning about other's beliefs.
society gone bazerk in their...I don't believe I've ever seen this spelling of 'bazerk' I've always seen it spelled 'berzerk'. I don't know who's right or wrong with that, but I'm always interested to learn new entomologies!
bigotry and a gripping theocracy of their beliefs...I believe that there should be a comma after 'bigotry' here
I agree with you in that Right Wing Religiouns are, in a word, nutsoid (I love that word...hehe). You've done a good job with this, keep up the wonderful work!
Now, it was sitting in a wreckers yard somewhere...wrecker's yard
and returned to the tying of the rope...I think this would sound better as 'and returned to tying the rope'
I would love to know the rest of the story to this one! It seems like the perfect intro to a novel or novella. Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day!
There's so little shame there is in the world today, so little guilt...the second 'there is' shoudl be removed for a better flow and understanding of the sentence.
He shouldn't be thinking at all but he is...I believe that there should be a comma after 'all'
She pulls off clothes his and he returns the favor....I think this should be 'pulls off his clothes'
analyze someone else rather then himself...this should be 'than' instead of 'then'
the morning when are not touching and she assures...There should be a 'they' between 'when' and 'are'
her breathing is raged and so is his....I believe you meant 'ragged' here instead of 'raged' because I don't really see that the characters are mad at each other.
because he isn't sure weather or not he believes in hell at all...'weather' should be 'whether'
Lust defiantly...I believe you meant 'definately'
read her better then anyone and...'then' should be 'than'
He deices that everything is simply...I believe that 'deices' should be 'decides'
her emotions but sometimes he pretends not to be...I think there should be a comma after 'emotions'
He is not sure weather or not...'weather' should be 'whether'
not question him even though he knows the...comma after 'him'
He dose not think he will fall...'dose' should be 'does'
Like so many things it will be snatched up by the darkness...comma after 'things'
another thing he is never...'is' should be 'has'
He dose not really need to wonder...'dose' should be 'does'
In brings some order to his thought...'In' should be 'It'
He knows it is a question even though not in her voice betrays that...'not' should probably be 'nothing' here
The only other suggestion I have for you is to look back over the piece and make sure that everything is written in the same tense. I noticed that, especially toward the beginning, there are several areas that mix past and present tense.
This is another interesting and fairly well written piece. You do well in this format and I enjoyed reading it. The story is real, and wonderment at the same time. Keep up the great work!
I found nothing that needed grammatical correction in this piece.
Wow! For a short piece you've managed to include mystery, intrigue, and love. I like the irony of the present being located after the death of the presenter.
It was a solitary existence but she had lived it so long...comma after 'existence'
missed, what most of the world considers a normal existence because she...comma after 'existence'
Another great short piece! This really shows the solitary, yet somewhat exciting (at least for them) existence of archelogists. Keep up the great work!
shadow of a nightmare form a long time ago....'from' instead of 'form'
to remember like someone killed by cyanide,...I believe that there should be a comma after 'remember'
and she says it's sweet which makes the rain he walked through worth it...I think there should be a comma after 'sweet'
He asks he once, why identity is...the second 'he' should be a 'her'
completely separated form everyone else...'form' should be 'from'
because she cared for her (he tells...I think this is supposed to be 'she cared for him' (but I'm not sure...lol)
because he trust her (and...I think 'trust' should be 'trusts'
She says he has a theory about their...This seems to be her theory so I think it should say 'She says 'she' has...'
doesn't really et the concept...I believe that 'et' should be 'get'
The only other suggestion I can make here is to go back through and correct the tense changes, because some of them are rather discomposing to the reader.
This is a great piece! I love the use of single words and short sentences to tell the story. You've done a great job, keep up the wonderful work!
no one, not even those who adored the rain could mistake the sadness that seemed to grab...comma after 'rain'
and the words spoke when she was in my door way and I was leaning against the frame, the words were always the same...'spoke' should be 'spoken' and I think that the second occurance of 'the words' could be removed without altering the meaning or impact of the sentence.
no knight in shinning armor...'shinning' should be changed to 'shining'
not face the dragon, weather I wanted to...'weather' should be 'whether'
I couch was damp where she had sat...I believe this should be 'The couch...'
unrelentess and so very sad...'unrelentless' should either be 'relentless' or 'unrelenting'
She and left nothing of her...I believe that this 'and' should be 'had'
no smaller then that morning...I think that the 'then' should be 'than'
the third time either or the forth...'forth' should be 'fourth'
moment let alone an entire night....I believe that there should be a comma after 'moment'
world, along and bare, with all..I belive that 'along' should be 'alone'
Slowly, and surly, with her continuing appearances and mugs of half finished coco, I was dieing...I believe that 'surly' should be 'surely' and 'dieing' should be 'dying'
man she could not seeing, speaking...'seeing' should be 'see'
held routine even thought it had been so long...'thouht' should be 'though'
This is a sad, emotional, and well written piece. The angst, pain, and resignation felt by the characters is well shown. I particularly like that the characters are 'best friends' as I used to have the same type of relationship with one of my good friends. I hope things have turned out better for these two then they did for my friend and I!
Shape shifters, animals spirits, that was what his people were...I believe it should be 'animal spirits' instead of 'animals spirits'
were a race of genies, jinn, mystical creatures...I believe that 'jinn' should be 'djinn'
He had high check bones and long fingers...'cheek' instead of 'check'
desert animals calming their body,...'claiming' instead of 'calming'
the hunger he did when he didn't fed, for there...I believe this should either be 'when he didn't feed' or 'when he hadn't fed'
something his desert could give him...maybe 'something the desert couldn't give him?' (since if the desert could give it to him, he might not have left?)
poor by all standards, scarping together a few...'scraping' instead of 'scarping'
He griped the boy's wrist gently...'gripped' instead og 'griped' (griped means to talk about something you are upset or annoyed about)
only stood their and then removed his lenses,...'there' instead of 'their'
who had ever lied or were ever going to live...'lived' instead of 'lied'
Two year by all mortal clocks...years instead of year
even for one who did not have to fed often...'feed' instead of 'fed'
It was so simply, so sweet and...I believe that it should be 'simple' instead of 'simply'
were mortal to though in a different...'to' should be 'too' with a comma after it.
he had as a heart, was surly coming...'surely' instead of 'surly'
harsh and mean and feirce like the Russian snow...'fierce' instead of 'feirce'
place though it is clear he belong here in the fire...comma after 'place' and 'belongs' instead of 'belong'
Wow, this is a captivating piece. The descriptions are beautiful and well written, and the angst in the piece is put across to the reader quite well. I particularly like the descriptions of Erebos' eyes and Kostya's reaction to them. Keep up the great work!
sorts of creatures, griffins and chimera's, vampires and wavyrens, goblins, hobgoblins, giants and all sorts...I believe you should have a colon or semi-colon after 'creatures' and a comma after 'giants'
He just passed form one to the next...'from' instead of 'form'
and a Star but he more closely resembled an angle...comma after 'Star' and 'angel' instead of 'angle'
claws extend from all of his fingers and toes, pale...'extended' instead of 'extend' (everything else is in past tense)
was older then time itself...'than' instead of 'then'
weather this lack of aging was due to some...'whether' instead of 'weather'
to hurt for suffering of someone else...I believe there should be a 'the' between 'for' and 'suffering'
Nevertheless he liked the children best...comma after 'Never the less'
He wasn't so much of a exile with them...'an' instead of 'a'
small and point sharply at the tips...'pointed' instead of 'point'
The show was over quickly through,..'though' instead of 'through'
taking turn to stoke his feathers...taking 'turns' to 'stroke' his feathers
the fire sport spoke once more...'spirit' instead of 'sport'
not as quickly as some begins, but much faster that Argider...'beings' instead of 'begins'
He didn't meat the Dragon/Star's eyes and walked confidently...'meet' instead of 'meat'
until he stood there, next Paytah who glowed orange...I think there should be a 'to' between 'next' and 'Paytah'
This is a beautiful rendering of magic and love. Keep up the wonderful work!
The only thing I see that should be changed is that somewhere in the middle of the piece you change to all italics. Other than that, this is a very evocative piece. I can just see it being performed in one-act play competitions. Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day!
Magicicada or seventeen year locust, despite...comma after 'Magicada'
What it must feel to sleep for that long and then awake, new and grown...maybe 'What it must feel like...' or "What must it feel like?'
this small creature with translucent wing and a black body...wings instead of 'wing'
seventeen year incest's...'insects' instead of incest's
And then in died...'it' instead of 'in'
supposed time must crawl buy, slow and...'by' instead of 'buy'
time flied by or if it stayed at the steady...'flied' should be 'flew'
live, tick and warm and...perhaps 'thick' instead of 'tick'
Or would remember anything, incest or...maybe 'Who would remember anything, insect or..."
cap and though lazy happy thoughts for the creature...'thought' instead of 'though'
lifetime and he didn't fell like moving...'feel' instead of 'fell'
This was very interesting, I had never thought of an insect quite that way (although my 7 year old niece says she does a lot, considering she is a bug fanatic!). Keep up the great work!
The Sigs are beautiful and fun! I hope you do a great business here and make many people happy, while earning gps!
I noticed a couple of typos, which I'll show here...
Plus I really do like messing around with photos and images on the computer because really it was the only time I'm terribly artistic (other than writing of course)...comma after 'Plus' and 'was' should be 'is' (everything else is in present tense)
something in particular but it in your...'put' instead of 'but'
Other than those, GREAT JOB! Keep up the great work!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/writerbaby13
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.42 seconds at 12:18am on Apr 19, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
