Oh my lord. That was an adventure of a story you took me on. I loved every twist and turn, the slight morbid-comedy feel of it was just perfect. I love writing about death as well (The person, no the act), and I love to envision him as a reasonable guy who is just like you and me (except his job is to reap souls) I say this is fantastic and you deserve a Purple Heart for writing this, or whatever the equivalent is on Writing.com. Keep up the fantastic work!
I really like it! I could see this clearly becoming a children's book, a classic twist on the original story! My tip is to watch rhythm and syllables. In a nursery rhyme, this is key! It needs to flow like a song (Because that's basically what it is!). Rethink some syllables and word choice, and this would easily get picked up by a children's book publisher. I would love to read this to my kids (If I had some, that is). You got some talent here! Cheers!
Gripping and thought-provoking! You have some excellent points that I think about as well. I love the line "What's left when everything is all right?" and the following line, "What's right when nothing is left?" They really make you think if an Afterlife is really all that we want it to be. Maybe death, and actual true ending is the best. Do we really want to exist forever? Sounds like hell to me.
I have one tip: Rhythm. Remember syllables and rhymes. They (although you do not need to use them) help play is inside someone's head and ingrains it in their memory. Your mind, as it reads it, will sort of join the rhythm and almost dance along. Keep that in mind on the next one, and cheers!
Excellent construction and rhythm, keeps you hooked with very good word choice. The message I got is that not only does freedom have a cost, but it's not truly free, and we don't truly have a free "State" yet in this world. There may never be, as long as there are rule and order, but there shall always be the people to die for it. Good job, I really enjoyed it.
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