I Want To Finish This Poem hopeless case

I dont know when it started
But so many years ago
The reason for me doing it
Was because I felt so low.
I'm talking about a drug
One that controlled my mind
It made me feel secure
It helped me to unwind.
I've always felt so worthless
My brain was such a blur
Thats when I tried this drug
To me it was my cure.
I started out with three a day
That lasted for awhile
But soon my insecurities
Built that familiar pile.
I went to the doctor quite often
To get more, so I wouldn't get low
I had to make sure I had plenty
So my panic and fear didn't show.
I never let them out of my sight
I counted them twice a day
They were by my side where ever I went
They were my life in every which way.
I'd wake up in the night
My heart began to race
I'd tremble inside and out
I'd jump up and started to pace.
I grabbed my bottle of pills
I was shaking from head to toe
Opening my lifesaving bottle
Was a task I become to know.
My mouth would tremble so badly
Chewing was the quickest way
Hurry up and releive me
I'm suffering, to God I would pray.
For years I lived in this cycle
The panic the shakes the nightmares
As long as I had my miracle pills
I thought, Who really cares.
After so many years of taking them
My body just craved all the more
I began mixing them with other pills
So I wouldn't feel insecure.
The mixing of pills proved deadly
The hospital I'd always end up
I actually died at one time
I awoke feeling like a homeless pup.
Of course I had to change doctors
One who knew nothing of me
Back to my miracle bottle
I thought-The only way to be.
My depression and panic got worse
I couldn't understand why
I started to hate that small bottle
But without it, for sure I would die.
I finally found a good doctor
I believe he saved me from hell
I told him about my symptoms
For years I hadn't felt well.
He prescribed me some new medication
A pill to conquer the beast
I no longer suffer with panic or fear
I'm still not cured to say the least.
I still have a long way to go
To be rid of all the pain
I,m looking forward to the day
When I can actually say I am Sane.

PART TWO

Well here I am, all messed up again
I thought I was well for sure
The mixing of pills and drink
Ruined my miracle cure.
I still don't know why I did it
For attention, I guess, who knows?
So where do I go from here?
A toss up, anything goes.
I don't know how long I will last
I'm already feeling the pain
Feeling the panic and fear
I feel I have nothing to gain.
I'm scared of what might happen
I have so much on my mind
I will never truely know me
My lifes in a turmoil bind.
I made alot of phone calls
None that appealed to me
They all tell me I need to detox
In my mind they really don't see.
I know in my heart it wont work
I've tried it a few years before
I'll walk from the place still in pain
Inside, no one has the cure.
I don't really like to say this
But I feel I will never be right
Without my lifesaving pills
I know I don't stand a fight.
Until someone gets in my head
And unscrambles all the turmoil
My brain will always feel like
Water, about to boil.
What I'm actually hoping for
Is a person, someone to see
My crazy poem, my crazy head
And say "Hey, that use to be me."
Maybe then I'll feel some hope
Someone who hits close to home
If I only knew that would happen
Then I can finally finish my poem.

by, jackie
5-24-02

p.s.
I cant get it right.
can anyone relate to this?
10-16-06
I need to write about my horrible expierience in the detox..AGAIN.
I HATE UNCARING DOCTORS>
I love people who care.
Aint met a true one yet.

Thanks for at least looking

jackie