Clarence

Clarence

He leaned against the bridge railing watching the river rising and falling over the rocks far below. He did not know how long he had been standing there, he was oblivious to the world around him for the most part but he was fully aware of his intentions and the life he was about to leave.

There is nowhere for me to go, thought Clarence. The endless rounds of foul smelling and dangerous hostels, soup kitchens with drunks sitting on either side of me, have brought me to this point. I don’t belong in that world and I don’t fit in anywhere else.

He knew there was a possibility that if he jumped, no, when he jumped he may not die. He did not want that, he wanted more than anything to die. Of course, being disabled badly enough would get him a room in a hospital, three meals a day and someone to look after him but was that a better life than living on the streets, begging for food, sleeping on mattresses fouled with urine and who knows what else? The degree of dignity was only marginally better.

His short life unfolded painfully in his mind.

First, there was his name, he thought, how could any parent call their son Clarence? From the time he started school kids had teased him unmercifully. Even the teachers spoke his name with derision to bring negative attention to him. He had heard the snickering in the classroom and felt hurt by them.

He remembered when he had told his mother that he did not like his name, she had brushed off his concerns and said, “It’s a good name, Clarence, you were named after your grandfather, Clarence Edwards, he was a very respectable businessman in this city.” Clarence wondered if his grandfather had been teased because of his name just as he was.

His mother’s opinion certainly had not changed his mind or his thoughts. In later years, he would see this lack of emotional support for his feelings, of being devalued as a human being with needs of his own, as normal in his home. What could he have done? He had tried to think of a nickname that would be more suitable but his parents would not allow him to use any other name. He felt trapped; his identity would always be associated with a name he hated. In time, he learned to hate himself. All his accomplishments were tainted with his hatred for himself and, he thought, the lack of support from his parents.

His parents were too busy in their careers, their clubs, their social life and their own problems to pay much attention to him. He did not have any brothers and sisters because, as his parents had often told him, it was a lot of work and the cost of children was too much, both in money and in time. He felt unwanted and however hard he tried to please them, he failed and soon he stopped trying. There were times when he did not see his parents for days at a time. There would be a note waiting for him in the kitchen when he came home from school telling him that there was a casserole or a sandwich in the fridge but more often there was some money on the table and the note said he could go to the local fast-food joint. He could not remember the last time the three of them had sat down to dinner together. Conversations were rare and he could not remember any time his parents had given him a hug or told him they loved him.

His memories swirled in his head. His surroundings faded into the mist. Only he and the water remained.

His schoolwork had always been above average without much effort. His teachers said he was brilliant, near genius, they said. His yearbook stated that he was destined to go far in life. This was as far as he was going, he thought, to the top of the bridge where he was standing now.

He remembered more failures, personal failures. Early in his life, he knew he was different. He had not taken the same interest in girls as the other boys did. Then, at the age of twelve, he had to admit to himself that he was homosexual. His preference was for other boys but he did not know how to express this desire to his parents or to the boys that attracted him. His life took on a loneliness that was so deep, so profound that it tainted every part of his days and especially his nights.

One of the good things in his life was his computer and the Internet in the privacy of his room. Here he could find the friends he lacked in his real life. Here he found understanding and companionship. Here he had learned that he was not alone in his passion for men and boys and he learned that there were people who were willing to love him. He spent all his time exploring sites about homosexuality that helped him to accept himself. He joined chat lines and pretended to be someone that he was not, losing himself in the fantasy of virtual relationships and love affairs.

Now his memories lead him to a brief time of near happiness.

In his final year of high school, two things had happened. He got a job at the local pizza shop and he met a man that loved him. The job kept him busy enough to keep his mind off his depressing problems and Jonathan, although he was much older than Clarence, introduced him to his first sexual experience. The age difference did not seem to matter. Clarence had found someone that listened to him in a way that his father never had. In this older man, he found not only the father figure that he so desperately wanted but someone to fulfill his sexual needs too. Their conversations were full of meaning, philosophical and intimate. Jonathan seemed to be the answer to his every need and Clarence was happy beyond his every expectation. He found a desire to work extra hard in his final year of high school and he graduated with top honours. He received offers from two universities with substantial grants. His parents seemed to be proud of him for the first time but more importantly, Jonathan was proud of him. What mattered most to Clarence was that he could please his lover, which brought contentment into a life that was devoid of happiness and contentment before this.

Clarence chose a local university and entered the general arts programme. Studying came easy to him and his progress through university was uneventful. Money was not a problem with his grant, his part-time job and his parent’s new generosity now that he was older and did not require the care that he had as a youngster they showed some interest in his achievements. Things seemed to be good for Clarence.

His parents bought him a sports car; they were worried that Clarence did not have a social life appropriate for his age and social standing. Their position and social status in the community was very important to them and Clarence’s acceptance in university seemed to be a badge of honour that they wore with pride.
“This will attract the young university women, Clarence.” His father said proudly as he handed him the keys to the brand new car.

There remained the secret and the shame of his sexuality, a secret that he could never reveal to his parents. The gift of the car brought guilt and confusion to Clarence. Guilt because he knew that he was not the son his parents thought he was, and confusion because he could not understand their sudden change of attitude.

In the next few months, Clarence dated a few women from the university more to please his parents than to satisfy his own desire, but the friendships never went beyond dinner or a movie. Clarence clearly preferred his male lover. They had become very good friends and companions. It was easy for Clarence to spend time with Jonathan now because his parents expected him to spend extra time at the university or library. Clarence required very little study time because he had an excellent memory so he was able to spend many evenings and weekends with his lover.

In his thoughts, Clarence left the brief memories of his happiness.

All was not well, Jonathan seemed to be sick much of the time and his desire for food was decreasing, he was losing weight. As he got sicker, Jonathan had become more and more demanding of Clarence. Eventually he became too sick to work and had to retire from his position. There were sick benefits but they did not cover the cost of every day living and with a very limited income he asked Clarence for money for his daily needs. Clarence was very glad to help but his budget became strained to the limit. Clarence had never taken care of anyone who was sick and he felt inadequate but there was no one else to depend upon. The two had kept their relationship in isolation and secrecy; they had no other friends but each other. Jonathan too had kept his homosexuality a secret, he could not confide in anyone now.

Clarence became alarmed and fear overtook him. He asked his dearest and only friend if he had AIDS.“No, I don’t have AIDS,” said Jonathan emphatically, “if I did I would have told you, I love you too much to give you a disease.”

It was a lie. Within a very short time, the older man died from complications associated with AIDS. Clarence was devastated. He had no one to talk to; his sexual orientation was a cause of deep shame, he had never shared with anyone except his virtual friends on the Internet, now he was alone as he had never been alone before. He could not attend Jonathan’s wake or funeral because Jonathan’s family would question his presence. Clarence had an empty feeling in his stomach that he could not fill. Nothing could alleviate the void that the death of his lover had left in him.

What was even worse was that he had to face the possibility that he was HIV positive. It was his opinion that he would be forced to live a lonely life of illness and disgrace. The prospect was too overwhelming. He could never tell his parents, they certainly would not understand. And even though he had no great love for them he had no desire to tarnish their reputation, nor could he reveal his secret to them. It would hurt them too much. He knew there were doctors and counsellors he could go to but his shame was so deep, he could not bring himself to talk about it.

There seemed to be no purpose in living so Clarence quit university, quit the promise of a brilliant career and began his life on the streets. He did not want the car that he thought he did not deserve so he parked it in his father’s garage and left it there. He had nowhere to go, no one to talk to and mostly no one to love or love him. He avoided any contact with his parents, his employer or anyone else from his past. He was on the run from society and from himself.

Clarence needed to be loved, to be touched; needed the comfort of loving arms around him. His needs were so crushing and there was no outlet for the grief that consumed him.

The river was raging from the spring thaw and the recent rains. It led to the freedom of the wide-open ocean, the endless expanse of freedom that Clarence had never had and longed for so intensely. The water below hypnotised him, seduced him, mesmerized and controlled him, he could hear its voice call him, welcome and invite him.

Clarence accepted the invitation.

Word count 2,021