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She walked down the dirt lane alone. Her heels sinking into the wet ground. Graves lined both sides of the road. The procession had left long ago. But she stayed behind. Her long black trench coat was soaked. Her black umbrella that had once covered her to keep her dry now was hanging limply at her side. She kicked a small stone and sighed. Her dark brunette hair was soaked. Her mascara running. From tears or rain…she couldn’t tell. Her bright red lipstick stuck out vividly from the sea of black. Her pale white skin was glowing with an almost eerie glow. She was sick…not medically sick…sick with grief. She kept walking…to what grave she knew not…she let her mind give the directions. How could she go on. Rachel was her best friend in the world. And now she was gone. At 26 her life was ended. Harshly…

…Rachel was upset…that was clear when Reba answered the phone. Hello? Reebs you gotta help me…Rach what is is…Rach…there coming Reebs…please help me please…click…what the hell…Reba remembered thinking…Reba worried more than anyone she knew about any little thing and this sent her flying into overdrive. She grabbed her jacket from her sofa in her SoHo loft. And went flying out the door. Where she was going she didn’t know but she had to track down Rachel something was terribly wrong. She remembered climbing the steps to Rachels small apartment. No she didn’t climb she bounded. The door to the apartment was ajar…RACHEL…no reply…RACHEL…she pushed open the door…greeted by a trail of blood…RACHEL RACHEL…she wasn't yelling anymore no she was hysterical with grief and fear…trailing the trail of blood…she saw Rachel lying on the floor of the kitchen…knife beside her….RACHEL….she was crying now…she sunk to the floor and felt for a pulse…she didn’t know how to find a pulse…but she wanted something a breath something…anything at all…nothing…she grabbed the phone…and dialed 911…

She went through these flashbacks constantly…her psychiatrist was absolutely no help…she felt the pain it was real…she was scared…

…Ma'am….ma'am…are you awake?….Reba opened her eyes…where am I?…your at Bellevue Hospital…do you mean as in the crazy people place?…a chuckle was released…yes the psychiatric hospital…but wait…why am I here? something happened…I remember…RACHEL RACHEL RACHEL she screamed…umm excuse me miss..miss…MISS…I need you to be quiet…its alright…what do you mean its ok my friend! shes gone! I need to help….Reba…we go through this all the time…we don’t know of the Rachel you speak of…the funeral you talk of the…the cemetery…your flashbacks…none of it seems to exist…it does to…I see my psychi….no Reba…you don't have a psychiatrst…you don't have a loft…you don’t have any of that…it’s a figure of your imagination…what…yes I do…I…Reba…please sit up…the doctor will be in momentarily.

This place was familiar…but it seemed to her…it was the first time she'd been here. The room was white…There was a bed…that was all…a bed. White sheets…and leather straps…she was stuck…why was she strapped down…LET ME GO…she screamed…no response…She lay there…what is going on…the door clicked…Miss Reba Norton…how are we today…umm excuse me…who are you…oh yes how silly of me…I am Dr. Toller…I have been your Dr. for the last 1/2 year. Oh…really…I don't re….of course you don't remember…we go through this quite often…can you explain….of course I can explain…as I do often…1/2 year ago…you felt that your life was not going well…in an attempt to end your life…you cut your wrists…I would nev…don't listen to me just look at your wrists…Reba turned over her wrists…the gashes were horrendously deep…they hurt to look at…let alone touch…now Reba if I may continue…yeesss…she stammered. Well you were found on the kitchen floor of your friends apartment. With a knife beside you. You lost a great amount of blood. You fell hit your head and passed out. Ever since you have had a great deal of problem…the most recent…memory loss…and delusions…you might wonder why you are tethered to the bed…that is because within your first few months here…you tore apart your bed…and used a spring to gash yourself on various areas of your body…I promise it is for your own protection…and since that incident you have shown great improvement. Reba was in shock…she was angry…upset…distressed…scared…she seemed to remember bursts of the incident mentioned…but she was terrified…she did that to herself…why…why did she do that…that wasn't like her at all…what had taken control…what was wrong with her…

She was frightened of herself…umm Mr. Toller…can I please leave…no Reba I am afraid that you are not in a good position to be released for awhile. But today you do have an examination. That is what I am here. To ready you. Every month you have one. Every single time you have ended up in the hospital…for severe flashbacks of some kind. I need you to try to relax before you get there. Answer the questions straightforward and get out of there and back to someplace we know you will be alright. Yes sir…but I don’t even know what happened…how can I answer….that’s the oddest thing about your case Reba…when the situations begin to be described in detail…you know what happened…almost like a personality shift…it will come to you…try not to be alarmed…it is part of your past now…what you say will be truth…you won't know it but it will be…so please keep relaxed and patient as possible.

Dr. Toller unstrapped her and walked her down the long white hallway…it seemed to go on for forever and it didn't bed…she realized that the "mirror" in her room was a window…each room had one…and doctors in white coats stood in front of each one…she looked into one room and saw a man in a straightjacket crying and struggling…she looked down at herself…she was rail thin…white as a ghost…in one of those medical "gowns"…she kept walking down the hallway…following Dr. Toller…suddenly he came to a stop…she looked in the window…this room was different…it was dark…it was cement…it looked cold and hard….she was terrified…why couldn't they make it homier…she walked into the room…there were 2 doctors sitting at a table…the old man with the great beard introduced himself as Dr. Vincent…and the small women with blonde hair introduced herself as Dr. Hoam. Reba sat down in the lone chair. She felt as though she were being interrogated…this wasn't a good feeling. There was a single file laying on the table. And she reached for it. Quickly Dr. Vincent wisked it away and only offered a simple "in time"…what was in that file…she needed to know…she had to know what they knew that she didn’t. Dr. Hoam smiled. Reba…do you know the address of the last place you were in residence. Of course, 863 15th St. Where had that come from she wondered…where was 15th St. even at?…She kept this thought to herself…good…Dr. Hoam stated. Do you remember last November…the 14th specifically….umm know I don't Reba was quick to reply. Wait what was this…this constant urge to say something…Jack told me that it was over between us…She was puzzled by her odd word vomit. I am terribly sorry she told the doctors…I don't know where that came from. Dr. Vincent spoke harshly…don’t apologize let it come out…Do you remember what you did after you received this news? Dr. Hoam asked. Yes I went up on the roof of my building…what is wrong with me…what is this how can I answer this when I don't even know…What were you planning to…jump she said…I wanted to jump..she cut off the doctor…she couldn't control what happened next…I wanted to die…more than anything in the world…I realized jumping wouldn't cause pain…I wanted to hurt…I wanted to feel the pain…I went down stairs…I put my dog in her cage…I grabbed a knife…I started to cry…I when through the motion…I slid it across..It didn't cut…I went at it harder…I was mad…I went crazy on my wrist…I sawed back and forth…I watched the skin tear…I watched myself bleed…I didn't care…it felt good…the more blood the better…my legs trembled…I hit something big I knew that…it hurt…like pain I had never felt before…all of a sudden my legs gave way…and I fell into the cabinet…she was breathing fast now…she knew why though doctor had warned her she couldn’t control herself…she couldn't breath she was scared….everything was spinning…she saw the doctors bolt…for her…Dr. Vincent grabbed her arm…Dr. Hoams hand shot across the table to try to catch a piece of her gown….she heard the door open…she heard voices…she saw black…she gasped for air once more…

She jerked…she looked up into a light…damn she knew where she was…she was in the hospital…she hadn't been strong enough….she heard voices…one being Dr. Toller….she tried to sit up but couldn’t…they walked over towards her…Dr. Toller started in…hello my name is Dr. Toller I am your doctor…you are a residen….I know….excuse me? Dr. Toller asked…I said I know…I know who you are…remember…you introduced yourself to me earlier…well yes…I did…well then why do it again?….clearly Dr. Toller was puzzled…he walked out of the room…she lay there for a second…what had she said wrong…she was overcome with exhaustion she laid back down and went to sleep


She woke up in a different room…it wasn't the hospital…no doubt it was Bellevue…but it was different…it had to leather straps on the bed…it wasn’t white…it was baby blue…there was a bed and a mirror…but also a little table…she got up and walked to the table…there were journals…5 of them to be exact…she looked in them…it appeared to be written by a tortured soul…something was wrong…the writing was jagged and rushed…detailed to the point of being sick…she turned the pages…they were all filled….then she was the back cover…they were each given a month…and the authors name was written….she touched the name…no way…these were hers…from the first 5 months…she heard the door click…it was Dr. Toller…I am terribly sorry about earlier he said…I was shocked…but now I am pleasantly excited…you have remembered…normally you lose your memory after and attack….and attack? yes…you have severe anxiety…oh…yes it is just worse for because of what you have been through…these journals…yes…that’s what I wanted to talk to you about…you see we have not been able to figure out quite what was wrong with you because you haven't remembered….you didn't remember this time either…but you kept your memory through the attack…we have to take advantage of this…you will feel like you are being pushed…and I am afraid to say as long as you keep your memory…these next few days will be hell…see these journals are yours…they make little sense to anyone but you…we are going to need you to read and try to shed light…this is all fast I know this…but we need you to try…ooook Reba replied…also as I am certain as well are all the other doctors…you will have another anxiety attack…if not several especially while you are reading these…we will put you in your bed…strap you down…and connect you to machines…these machines will study things about your body, temperature, heart rate, brain activity….so we can inject you with the proper drugs before the attack to calm you and hopefully you can go on…of course anxiety is hard to control so there will be times that I am afraid you will feel the full blown symptoms of an attack. I understand Reba stated…alright good…..we need to get started asap…so lets get into bed…once again I am terribly sorry…also there is a slight chance that by doing this instead of moving forward we will move 5 steps back…you realize this right…yes Reba replied…good but we must try…so here we go…

He buckled the strap over her forearm…in doing so his sleeve touched her wrist…AGH…she cried out…he paused…no its nothing she said continue…just the scar….he looked at her and continued hooking her up….4 doctors walked into the room…a psychiatrist, a cardiologist, a neurologist, and a psychoanalyst….they sat down and watched….Dr. Toller handed her the first journal.

She began to read…what was this….it was nonsense gargle…words strung together…it didn't make sense…it was sociopathic…."slice dice cut" "slice dice cut" why had she written this over and over…excuse me she said as she paused…isn't this obvious with the story you told me…this has to do with cutting….well the psychiatrist said we thought so to…but read the next page….
"I cut her…I felt relief…she is evil…she is weak…her blood was warm…I poured it around her…warm…and red…I did this to her…I will kill her"

…what…I don’t understand…I thought I did this to myself Reba said…this is where we discovered…the multiple personality angle…please tell me your kidding Reba pleaded…no were not…something is wrong with you…even though we can sit here and talk to you as if you are totally fine…as if you are someone off the street…there is a button…that if pushed right…triggers this…it hasn't been pushed for awhile…but its there…and we need to figure out what it is while you are in our care…otherwise you can be a great danger to yourself…these need to be read…you can read to yourself if you want…if you come across something please let us know…otherwise we will sit here and do out jobs watching the monitors…thank you Reba said…

…hours went by as Reba read her own tortured ramblings…she read the thoughts she had…once in awhile a memory was triggered and she had explained stories from her childhood…but now it was becoming clear…on the 4th journal…the turning point came…she read an entry a loud…
"he constantly hurts me…I zone out…he can't touch me in this zone…he can't touch me in this place…noone can…I am safe…I am hateful…I am resentful"
Rebas body began to convulse and bend in seizures…the doctors all jumped…she started to scream as a needle was put to her forearm…and then…darkness…

…this waking up in new places…was getting old…she was not alone…it was a scary room…machines everywhere…tubes…wires…what was going on?…she tried to speak…nothing came…what was this tube…why was it down her throat…she began to flail as the doctors turned quickly…Dr. Hoam was there…Reba…Reba…settle down it will be alright…your safe…your in the hospital again…

Dr. Toller turned his attention toward Reba…Reba we have reached a point where we think we might know part of the problem…Reba do you remember your family…family…not that she could remember…she shook her head…well I suppose that’s all well…see you don't remember…but subconsciously you know…we went back through the system…and your family came up…for domestic abuse…Rebas mind was racing…why was this familiar…abuse…how could you forget something like that…but Reba…this abuse wasn't to just you…we believe that you had a twin…this could be the Rachel you used to speak of…although it is documented as you never had a twin…we discovered some forgeries on the hospitals behalf…the one you were born in…the doctor remembers to have delivered two beautiful baby girls…but only one is documented…Reba…Reba…are you ok Reba..

…Reba clutched her sisters hand…they were yet again to walk into the room…they were terrified…clinging to each other…he pushed open the wooden door…to his "special place"…it was time to play his little "game"…the girls were dressed in pretty dresses…Reba loved the dress…it was a present…but after the first few times…she realized that she didn't like it…it meant she had to play…Rachel was crying…don't cry Rach…it'll be ok…Reba wanted to cry to…she didn't like this game at all…she sat down at the table with Rachel…he came and sat down…he began to take off his tie…do you girls love me?

AHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOO! Reba screamed!! REBA REBA! Dr. Toller yelled! Reba whats going on?…..just….a memory…of something I don't remember….she was confused…she didn’t like this not at all…she was picturing, feeling horrible things that she knew happened…but she couldn’t remember…Dr. Tollers voice became serious and firm…Reba I need you to tell me everything you remembered….

Dr. Toller stepped outside the room looking in on Reba…He rubbed his balding head and popped pills out of a bottle…This was getting to him…He wanted to make this girl better…he was dedicated to it…but he had to put her through torture to help in the long run…he didn't even know what he knew…So this girl was put through tremendous pain…she was abused by her father…along with her twin sister…that was probably dead considering the fact…her soul was tortured all those years…but she snapped…something set that off…something terrible set of that reaction…she had a split personality…that was clear…but why was it only on a trigger reaction…her mother perhaps?…she wanted to live…this girl he saw right now wanted to know what was going on…she knew less about herself than he did…but what if he drew out "her" again…that person that wanted to harm her…he would have to…in a controlled setting he needed to bring back that monster so he knew what set it off…what was it…the twin…the twin was part of the puzzle he needed to find out that story…through what…a child hood diary…that’s what he needed a childhood diary…

Reba sat up eating some cornflakes out of a plastic bowl. Dr. Toller approached the bed with a diary…its pages appeared to be pink….and its cover was a beautiful floral vase it had a beautiful golden lock…it was clearly treasured by its owner…yet some how she didn’t want it to be opened…why did she care…why did she want that book to stay closed…he set the book in her lap…Reba…this is you diary…no it isn't…yes this was a diary you kept at age 12…mysteriously you stopped writing in it…the last entry was one sentence…

"shes dead…and I could've stopped it"

Now Reba…think who died…she paused for a moment…Rachel she said…wait how did she know this…what the hell was going on…she was tired of suprising herself…Reba…what happened to Rachel…he killed her…the word vomit…it had to end…Dr. Toller…please stop asking me questions…why Reba…because I have the most overwhelming feeling that if I tell something will happen to me…that’s a memory feeling…you were threatened…you witnessed it…I…I did…tell me what happened…she cried…we were never supposed to cry…crying is weakness…and she cried…I remember trying to stop her…but she kept crying…he took her and he hit her…again…and again…and again…she stopped crying…he threw her to the ground…he told me to watch out…this is what crying does…it kills you…he told me never to cry…and I would live…this was tremendous headway thought Dr. Toller…he knew more than he expected…and she was surprisingly calm…he sat back for a minute leaning backwards on his chair…crying…crying would kill her…that’s what he told her…he knew what to do…he sprang out of his chair…Dr. VINCENT he yelled…Dr. Vincent came into the room…they stepped to the corner and conversed…Reba couldn't help wonder what they were saying…they both walked towards her…we have an idea Dr. Toller said...but it could involve some pain on your behalf at first…but this will help in the long run…do what you must she replied…

…as a silent signal everyone rushed into the room…unplugging moving her…she was led out of the room down the hall…into a room…a padded room…she was put into a straight jacket…there was one more person in the room…and all he had was a small bottle…she stood in the middle of the room…and was told to tilt her head back…he squirted drops into her eyes…at first…nothing happened but then…someone was screaming…didn't they hear that that screaming it was terrible it came with the tears…the screaming ended and was followed by yelling WEAK WEAK YOULL ALWAYS BE WEAK…she wanted out she ran into the wall…over and over again…PLEASE HELP she screamed the pain came it was horrible…the screaming the yelling the pain…the white lights…she SCREAMED she CRIED…she ran into the wall…she was terrified…SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP…she SCREAMED SHE YELLED SHE WAS DESPERATE…she felt hands on her shoulders…she turned attacked something from inside was coming out…kill kill kill, you are weak…die die die, you are weak there were many people now she lashed out…this wasn't her why was she hurting people what was going on she had no control…something was choking her from the inside…she gasped for air…air…

…she sat upright…she felt the sweat soaking her completely…she felt the scratches on her body…it had been 1 week since the last episode…and it had ended terribly…the doctors had all avoided her…and her nights were torture…she looked at herself…her arms were raw and she felt her cheeks burning…she had clawed herself horribly again….she knew she did it but it she couldn't stop…it was pain…but it was relief….

Dr. Toller opened up her door…crying he said…as he walked towards her bed…crying is the answer….what … what are you talking about Reba asked….crying triggers a severe reaction…crying was punished my pain…so you punish yourself…you can't help it you just do…that’s how it would've been…but…you saw Rachel die for crying…your mind so young picked that up…when you cry…you will try to kill yourself…the night of you accident…you said you broke up with your boyfriend Jack….well you must have cried….and that’s what happened…you attacked yourself…this seeming "other" being in you…is memories and reactions that your mind documented….and has know installed in you…you can't help it…and this will continue…IF….you don’t take this option I am going to give you…you will stay here and receive intense therapy…we will need to relive your whole life…and shed light on some areas….and try to get your subconscious to realize that crying isn't wrong….I guess what I am saying is that currently you are stuck in your 10-12 year old mind….and we need you to get to your 20 year old mind….Ok Reba replied…whatever you say…