The ongoing adventures of Harseverius, Remmie and Dra-ville
|The Adventures of Harseverius, Dra-ville and Remmie
A year and a half has passed since we last heard from the rather large clan of children spawned by Hermione Granger and various Headmasters, Professors, Janitors Gryffindors, Slytherins, Dark Lords and House Elves at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This is the story of an interesting adventure had by the three youngest boys.
Remmie, Harseverius and Dra-ville sat in the floor of the double-wide. They were in a heated game of “Roach Racing.” Amy was babysitting, so there was not much else to do. They could sit on the couch and watch television, but Amy and her boyfriend Jason were on the couch making out. They could have a snack, but Amy and Jason had eaten all of the chips and fruit roll-ups. They could go outside and play, but Amy had sealed the doors shut with duct tape so they couldn’t escape while she was making out with Jason and eating all the snacks.
The twins, Albie and Argie, who STILL weren’t potty trained, sat behind the couch giggling at the amorous activities of the two teenagers. They also dined on the bits and pieces of chips and fruit roll-ups that had wedged behind the couch.
The boys sat in a tight circle, cheering the roaches on. Harseverius had named his roach Dog. Remmie named his Prometheus, and Dra-ville hadn’t yet learned to talk, so he named his “Unngghhh!” Ron Jr. was in a bad mood and refused to play with them. Their mother had taken his bottle away two weeks ago, so he had to learn to drink his Pepsi straight from the can. This was difficult, since there was no Pepsi left. Jason and Amy had drank it all.
The boys did not like Amy, but her presence here today was a necessity. Their mother had to be hospitalized after giving birth to her eighth child, Hagrid Jr.
The previous addition to the family, their one and only baby sister Voldebby, had just turned one and couldn’t be left unsupervised with the clan of adventuresome boys.
Little did they know, just as Unngghhh was about to scuttle over the finish line, a cloaked figure waited outside the trailers back bedroom window. The tall, menacing figure touched a button on his robe. The button beeped. “One to beam up!” he said, none too quietly. He waited for the beaming, but didn’t get beamed. “Curse this communicator!” he cursed, and ripped the communicator button off his chest. With several large stomps he figured the communicator had been sufficiently killed. He kicked aside the plastic shards and reached for the window of the bedroom where little Voldebby was napping. He slowly opened the window. (Cue suspenseful, eerie screeching violin music)
Dra-ville was so excited that his roach won the race; he started flailing his arms and drooling. “Roffdumanga!” He screamed, as he brought his webbed hand down on the prized roach. Remmie winced at the sickening crunch. Dra-ville began crying, and this upset Harseverius, and he began crying too. All the crying and wailing upset Remmie and he began to ululate. The racket finally won Amy’s attention, and she stormed off the couch, her blouse askew, and yelled.
“What’s all this bleepity-bleep noise?” she screamed at the top of her lungs, spraying the boys with saliva. “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY?” Harseverius looked at her and calmly wiped his face.
“Go check on the baby, my back hurts.” she ordered them in a glazed voice. She ran back to the couch, leaping over it, and accidentally elbowed her boyfriends' nether regions. Jason screamed in agony.
“NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!” She shouted, trying to calm Jason, who was spewing a stream of profanities that would make Voldemort blush.
Remmie stopped ululating and got up to go check on his sister. Dra-ville saw his brother leaving, and got up too, wiping the roach guts from his hand. Harseverius began rocking back and forth where he sat, emotionally traumatized by Amy’s spit shower.
Remmie and Dra-ville walked the short distance to their Mom’s bedroom where little Voldebby usually slept. They covered their mouths and noses before entering, because their baby sister always smelled like sulfur. She was, after all, the possible offspring of a very evil Dark Lord. Either that or she had unloaded into her diaper and needed a change.
The room did not smell like sulfur, it smelt of Windsong, cigarette smoke and beer, just like their mom. It took the two boys a minute to figure out why the room smelled so nice. Voldebby wasn’t in her crib by the window!
Dra-ville wobbled over to the open window, and stared at the water stained sheer polyester curtain panel that wafted in the ominous breeze. He wanted to touch it, it was so pretty. The way it fluttered, the roundish stains of nicotine and humidity, even the silverfish crawling up the left corner. He reached out his paddle-like hand to touch it.
“DRA-VILLE, DON’T TOUCH THAT CURTAIN, IT MAY CONTAIN EVIDENCE!” Remmie howled at the hapless child.
“Evidence?” enunciated Dra-ville, clear as a tulip shaped device that makes a ringing sound.
Remmie was so shocked his brother had spoken a real word, he temporarily forgot Voldebby was missing.
“Dra-ville! Good boy! You finally said your first word!” He beamed at his younger brother.
Dra-ville was surprised too, and very proud of himself. He pointed boldly at the silverfish on the curtain and screamed “AVADA KEDAVRA!” The silverfish died instantly, leaving a little silverfish shaped imprint on the flapping curtain.
Now Remmie didn’t know what to do. He was proud that his brother was finally talking, but appalled he had knowledge of such an unforgivable curse. He was also a bit jealous. Dra-ville was the slowest of the Granger-Dumbledore-Filch-Weasley-Lupin-Potter-Snape-Black-Malfoy-Longbottom-Riddle-Elf-Hagrid children, yet he was the first to show any magical ability. Brushing aside his feelings, an act perfected by his father, he calmly chastised his brother; “Dra-ville, it’s not polite to point.”
Dra-ville was crushed. His chin started trembling. “Amogy gock?” he babbled.
Remmie grinned. He was the smartest of the boys, and he knew how to manipulate. He walked over to Dra-ville and hugged him, the younger boys tears soaking Remmie’s shoulder.
Suddenly, there was a very loud “CRACK” outside. Remmie peered through the window over his brother’s shoulder just in time to see a cloaked figure disapparating. The tall hooded thingymabobber was holding a baby.