by Soar Hiy
*CHANGED* series of freewrites, like a more poignet, sporadic type of journal
I’m the girl I warned myself never to be. I tried so hard to hide from it, avoid her traps and yet she snuck up on me. Unsuspecting and unassuming she took me over clinging tightly and insecurely to my soul overtaking it. She drove herself in my very marrow and now is inseparable and I can no longer find myself, she is me now and yet I still feel like a body possessed. Now I’m simply a shell not understanding the actions I make or the words I speak or the feelings I suppose I’m feeling. I can not feel. My reflection of myself, I do not recognize. I cry out for help so desperately and yet they seem only to play into the hands of my captor. I have always felt separated from my physical being like I simply didn’t belong in there. In this moment of sanity where my true self is groping for the attention the rest of me quivers for I lack the ability to describe what is truly happening. Every syllable falls short of the meaning I intend for it.
I AM STRONG
I AM THE WOMAN MY GENERATION USES AS A POSTER CHILD
I AM UNFRAID AND UNABASHED
I AM NOT TO BE CONTENDED WITH
I AM TO BE TREATED WITH TENDER LOVING CARE
I AM BRAKABLE
I have been broken
I have been trampled
I have been pissed on
I have been made scared and helpless
I have been made weak
I have been kicked in my most private place…. My heart.
I no longer am who I thought I was
When I’m thinking now I have your habit of “digging” just with one foot and circling with the other. Doesn’t matter what I‘m thinking about. Just bored and mind wandering is all. Thinking back on one of the things we talked about this weekend I feel like I have to look into tit more; explore and try to understand how I feel about it all. It was when we were talking about things that we’re scared shitless of. For me it’s taking the risk of falling in love with you. That would be huge for me; so much so it’d practically fulfill the cliché of truly “falling” in love. For me it’s like walking of a cliff with no possibility of a net, I would never feel like I’d stop falling. The rush would be amazing but the anticipation of a splat might be more than I could handle. If I hit ground, if I don’t fall infinitely I don’t know what I might do. I don’t even know right now what I would do if I ever lost you. That’s why I get jealous; I’m protective of my own welfare state. To fall in love with you I’d be giving my heart away to you and I’m not exactly sure what you would do with it. I’d have to trust you not to hurt me but because we don’t have a committed relationship I can’t fully trust you in that way yet.
I know that you are scared of commitment and nothing I can say will change that. However I do understand, better than most women, why you are so scared. I use to be so frightened of commitment that I would put up walls and treat guys like they were disposable. To actually say that we were “together” he was mine I was his that jazz was like cutting myself off from possibilities. When I would be in a closed relationship I’d feel like I was trapped and even more alone than I was with out the commitment. This includes my last relationship even. I hate missing out on opportunities because I agonize over what ifs to no end. Now though it hurts to think that I might miss out on the opportunity of a serious relationship. So I’m just going to stay, as much as I hate the way it makes me feel – like a clingy stereotypical emo girl - and be patient because I don’t want to miss out. I want to be waiting for you, to have a committed relationship with you.
All I’d like to know is if there is anything I can do other than wait? Can I take any sort of action which can speak louder than these words?
Am I effecting you at all? You’re effecting me.