Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1190745-Christmas-Greeting-2006
Rated: 18+ · Monologue · Comedy · #1190745
A mix of observations that simply beg to be mocked.

Dear friends,

It's mid-December, and there's no snow in sight for we who are in the
northeast.  The weather is really quite mild.  It's so mild that my
azaleas are still blooming.  It's so mild that the penguins at Mystic
Seaport have scowls on their faces.  It's so mild that I can actually
hear the words "global warming" floating in the air... Al Gore's voice
and all.

There's no snow here, yet.  It's a good thing Santa's sleigh is built to
fly, because he'd leave a trail of sparks a mile long behind his fat rear
end, if his team of corsairs had to pull on the ground.  I know.  I sound
a bit disgruntled, don't I?  Well, I'm thinking about what to get my wife
for Christmas.  Last year I got her an engraved toilet plunger, and she
didn't seem too pleased.  It was engraved.  ENGRAVED!  She didn't seem to
like it any more than the time I got her a new ironing board cover.  I
don't know.  Maybe, I'm a bit thick.  Doesn't this just put you in the
"holiday" mood?

Here's something neat...

Early this month, San Francisco officials installed milk advertisements
in bus shelters around town that give off the scent of freshly baked
cookies.  That's cool!  Will the locals of the city miss the usual smells
like urine and vomit?  Only time will tell. 

Ah, the wonderful world of science.  Just keep in mind that these guys
get paid to do this.

Scientist Stephen Hawking recently said that humans must colonize planets
in other solar systems or face extinction.    What other solar systems
does he have in mind?  He's thinking that we'll get there using Mel
Brooks' "ludicrous speed?" I'm wondering if he ever farted too close to a
bunsen burner?

Anthropologists have worked up a look at  Leonardo da Vinci's left index
fingerprint.  We can expect answers to what his favorite foods were, his
mother's ancestry, and what hand he wiped his ass with.  All important
information to say the least.  For practise, the same anthropologists
should closely examine artist Britney Spears' left index finger for the
same information.  Additional expected results could include judgements
for: disputed paintings, disputed manuscripts, and in Britney's case,
disputed underwear sponsorships.

Recently, New York City banned artificial trans fats from restaurants,
forcing national fast-food chains and small diners alike to phase out
artery-clogging oils from their cooking. Does this mean NYPD can't eat
donuts anymore????  But, seriously, it's what I go to NYC for ... my
heart-attack-on-a-bun, with a thick shake to wash it down!

Here's a cute story from the heartland...

CHICAGO - Squirrels hit the genetic lottery with their chubby cheeks and
bushy tails. It's hard to imagine picnickers tossing peanuts and cookies
at the rodents if they looked like rats. But good looks alone don't get
you through Chicago winters. Nor do they help negotiate a treacherous
landscape of hungry cats, cars and metal traps.

**I too forget where my nuts are from time to time, and my wife says I'm
squirrely. But it's all part of getting old. Still, she really hates it
when I chew on the wiring. 

And finally, a little something to think about from Bush-country...

Texas State Representative Edmund Kuempel has introduced a measure that
would allow blind people to hunt any game that sighted people can
currently pursue.  My thought is ... if DICK CHENEY can still be allowed
to hunt,  why not the blind?  Can someone say:  "Driver's License?"

God bless Texas where stupid is still as big as the whole outdoors.

Thanks for reading.
Merry Christmas,  and may God keep you, and yours, safe in His mighty

Joe Miller

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