Hugging 101

Hugging. The act where two people, in blatant disregard for the rules of personal space, press themselves together for an un-predetermined amount of time before, in a climactic finale, they let go.
Why is this seemingly pointless and mundane activity still commonplace in our modern, technological age? It must serve some purpose; we intelligent humans never engage in any stupid and pointless activities, right? Err… well. Perhaps this isn’t one of them however…

I could firstly present to you the findings of several highly paid intellectuals who say (yes, taken from an actual scientific research paper) that for optimum physiological development, a minimum of five hugs per day is needed! Wow. Stuffy scientists have actually given a benchmark for the ideal number of  ‘Hgs/Dy’! Surely this adds a little weight to the issue…

Now many of you are thinking/yelling; ‘ I hug way more than five people a day so who cares, I hug like everyone I meet etc.” (This is particularly directed at certain 50% of the population.) Well, I argue that you aren’t really hugging at all!
[Pause for effect.]
It is the result of my research (i.e. observing members of ‘that 50%’ in my school) that these so called ‘hugs’ are merely highly ritualised and stylised greetings with no elements of the conventional embrace. Subjects will merely hold each others hands (sometimes not even that), move half a step closer to each other and perhaps feign a kiss over their partners shoulder; not even trying to aim for a cheek.

THIS DOES NOT COUNT. It is obvious that our society has lost, somewhere along the way, the art of hugging. It is proven, by other members of the highly paid academic sort, that hugs are integral to relationships romantic OR platonic, decrease stress, are important for social wellbeing/ confidence, stimulate intimacy yadda yadda yadda etc etc, pretty obvious stuff (and not really worth a government grant) when you think about it.  (I wonder what the scientists spent it on.) The point is; they are good.
Hence, I have prepared a step-by-step guide on the lost art of the hug:

STEP ONE: Eye Contact.
This crucial step is almost always ignored. Hugging is a mutual activity and needs unspoken agreement between the two parties prior to the action. More importantly, this is a sign that you actually recognise and possibly even ‘care about’ the person that you will, exclusively, be spending the next few moments with. Hugging from behind is therefore a no-no, as quite apart from the fact that it entirely defeats the purpose, the action can be mistaken as a form of assault.

STEP TWO: The Advance.
Still maintaining eye contact, slowly move towards the other person. It is important to find the right speed, too slow and you will appear hesitant and unwilling to touch the person and too fast can result in an action that appears eager to get it over with and/or aggressive. For the same reason take care not to raise your arm into the hugging position until the last step of your advance. Not only will this prevent a seemingly menacing approach, it will save the embarrassment of looking like two zombies attempting to mate. Duration of the first two steps should be about three seconds.

STEP THREE: Contact.
The all-important crux of the hug; your hands have to make it from the resting position beside your waist to the shoulder blades of your significant other without incident. The aim is a fluid motion; do not avoid contact until the last second, clamping them like a bear trap OR, equally importantly, do not slide your hands all the way up their back unless they are a really significant other or face the consequences.

STEP FOUR: The Hug.
Don’t think that just because you have made it to the meat of the operation that you can just forget about what you are doing; all your hard work can be done in an instant. Your arms should be in position, now make sure your entire body is where it should be – firmly pressed against the other person with no visible gaps; the aim of a hug is physical contact people. That said, you are not trying to kill them; press with your torso don’t squeeze with your arms
The duration of the average greeting or ‘trivial’ hug should be AT LEAST three seconds. This is longer than it sounds and any shorter is more of an accidental collision than a hug. This time can increase depending on the context; for example the comfort or ‘tragedy’ hug should be at least five seconds – use your common sense and judgement.

STEP FIVE: The release.
This is a complete reversal of steps two and three; with subsections a) the disengage
and b) the retreat. Merely retrace your steps, only backwards. It is important to end on a positive note.

Finally it is again important to conclude the action by again making eye contact with your ‘co-hugger.’ This expresses the fact you have enjoyed/ appreciated your brief, mutual experience together as well as your wish to ‘do it again sometime’.
[NOTE – if you did not enjoy/appreciate the experience, do this out of courtesy.]

And as simply as that, you have mastered the perfect hug. Seem stupidly complicated and long-winded for a simple action? Well you could be right. Don’t worry though, soon the act will become so familiar you’ll be able to hug people with your eyes closed! (Do not attempt this unless you are extremely confident in your hugging abilities.) If everyone could hug like this, there would be no wars. Political leaders could sort out their differences with a friendly conversation preceded of course by a perfectly executed, public, good old-fashioned hug. (Mere handshakes obviously aren’t working.)

So, go now, embrace your fellow man, your friends, your enemies, your family, your mother-in-law, your colleagues, neighbours, acquaintances, door-salesmen, confidantes, the guy you see walking his dog every Thursday..
Go; spread the love (and impress people with your hugging skills along the way.)