satire aimed at teachers and students alike
| So! You want to be a teacher, do you? Wonderful choice! Teachers are always in demand. It's a niche profession; most people think it's too hard and doesn't pay enough. Not so. After reading this guide, you'll see that for the small effort required, teaching is one sweet gig! Thanks to this indispensable How To, you'll know how to earn your salary for little more than showing up everyday!
The first step of teaching success is to decide which class you'll teach. High schools are the best place to teach, most pupils are burned out on education and unenthusiastic, unlike elementary or middle schoolers. Furthermore, some students deem inattention and poor grades as cool, so you won't have to worry about them! These sorts only need a desk to sit in. Next, avoid math and science courses; they leave zero grey area between the right and wrong answer. You'll want to stick to classes that allow for inconsistency and confusion, such as English, literature, and history. History should be your first choice. Most students aren't interested in the subject to begin with and take the course simply to fulfill their graduation requirements.
When you teach a class mostly made up of students who don't want to be there, you're well on your way to the goal: getting paid for doing nothing! You now need to create a classroom environment that is nothing new to the student body. Ideally, students will walk into your classroom for the first time and feel that they've seen it all before. You can create this effect by decorating with the same generic posters as other classrooms. If you can, set up shop in a room with as many windows as possible, and never close the blinds. During class time, windows ensure no less than one quarter of the students daydream instead of listening to you. Another trick of the trade is to keep the temperature warm and cozy, as it encourages good long naps.
Proper classroom environment will render half the class nearly unconscious. To disengage the remainder, be sure to have a lesson plan that is both dull and frivolous. The objective here is to drown your students in boredom while at the same time occupying them, because busy work prevents mutiny. Be sure the classwork does not call for individual thought or expression. These things spawn interest in the subject, the downfall of many instructors. The staple of trite class material is fact memorization. Not only does it bore the students to no end, it also turns grading their work into a breeze! You'll never have to analyze essays or evaluate projects.
Remember: pointless classwork is the key. If you're teaching a literature course, test on trivial facts of the book such as character names and sequence of events. If you're teaching a history course, test on dates and names of persons involved in past events. Never discuss the deeper meaning of the coursework or how it might apply to a student's life. Most importantly,never allow students to discuss their reactions. It can cause them to think.
Thought is even more dangerous than interest in the subject, and must be avoided. You needn't worry, though. Typically, such behavior is a threat for only a short while. Upon realizing that thinking for themselves isn't required, nearly all students cease doing so entirely. Watch out for determined "thinkers" in your class. Mock their ideas; they will become unwilling to share.
The most important thing to do as a teacher is forfeit the respect of your students. If the of the aforementioned strategies don't make for a room full of drones, this most certainly will. How, you ask? It's easy! All the teacher must do is have no respect for the students. Disregard and belittle them, and soon they won't participate or pay any attention to you whatsoever! Once freed of their respect, you can enjoy a pleasant and rewarding school year.
And that's all there is to it, heed these words and you'll be one hell of an instructor! You can kick back, rake in the profits, and maybe even say, "would you like me to write you up, young man?" once in a while.