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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1419422-Re-drafted-first-paragraph
by Jack
Rated: E · Other · Fantasy · #1419422
Title says it all - reviews/advice and slating appreciated!
        Terrified, a short girl with a shock of red hair, cut to the ears for reasons that involved mud and a fight, ran. The long way home was twisted with high grasses that grew on either side of the road. Well known in these parts was a band called ‘Mizchieph's Men', highwaymen that hid in the grasses to prey on weary travellers. Stories of robberies, murders and disappearances that happened on a daily basis made their way back to the town but this was the only one of two routes to make it back to Fayble. It wasn't Mizchieph's Men that made her run and the quicker route wouldn't get her back in time. Glancing back at the ocean's end she had just left, a storm brewed. Hot, black, menacing and towers tall; the electricity could be felt all around. Short as the other route was and whilst taking half a day off from her journey it was cluttered with blessed thistle, ginkgo, horsetail and many other herbs that would help bring a profit in for her home. Compulsively she would have spent hours on the short route picking the herbs and examining them, bracing the storm and furthering her research into their medical properties. This would have resulted in her death. The storm would have been too strong for the girl to stay supported on the hard soil and the down pour of rain would have nearly drowned her as she tried to take in gulping breaths, after days she would maybe get home. Still, it wasn't the storm that made her run in fear. Jack was picturing untimely death with an assortment of farming equipment and most frightening, held by her mother. This is what awaited her. This little old woman, feared by even the town's leader, was why she had decided to take the long route homewards. In the end she would get home much faster; she would live to see tomorrow.
© Copyright 2008 Jack (twistedjack at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1419422-Re-drafted-first-paragraph