Financial Aid

Cast of characters
FREDDY: A freshman in college, first time away from his parents, still in culture shock

JAKE: An eighth year senior in college, obviously he's been around the block.

STUDENT: A student who works the financial aid desk for work study, like most of them, doesn't really care about her job, just in it for the money.

ADVISOR: A financial aid advisor.

Time and place:
Place doesn't really matter, but the time should be early September 2003. The set should just be a desk, two chairs in front, STUDENT seated behind. There should also be a red line on the ground behind the chairs.

Lights up. We see FREDDY standing in line in front of a desk that has a sign reading "financial aid because you shouldn't have to pay for your education" on it. STUDENT is seated behind the desk, talking on the phone at lights up; FREDDY is pacing back and forth, looking at his watch, etc. He is obviously in a hurry. JAKE enters and immediately sits cross-legged behind FREDDY and pulls a book out of his bag and starts reading.

STUDENT
Oh. My. God. I got so blitzed last night I couldn't believe. Blitzed? It means drunk. What do you mean blitzed is so last year?

FREDDY, unable to wait any longer, steps up to the desk and is greeted by a finger telling him to wait.

STUDENT (CONT'D)
OK. OK. Trashed. I was so trashed last night you wouldn't believe, and guess who came walking into the party? Nope. Nope. Nope. You'll never guess. Nope.

FREDDY
Excuse me?

The finger goes back up.

FREDDY
Excuse me. I have some questions about my aid?

STUDENT looks down at her finger and then glares at FREDDY.

FREDDY
Well it's just that...

STUDENT
Hold on a second. What is this that I am holding?

FREDDY
It's a, well it's a phone?

STUDENT
And where is this phone that I am holding?

FREDDY
Against your ear but I don't see what that has to do with anything.

STUDENT
Look you seem like a smart kid, even if you are a freshman, so I'm going to help you out. I have this phone to my ear because I am talking on it. And this
She looks at the finger.

STUDENT (CONT'D)
This means that I am busy and will be with you in a moment. OK?

FREDDY
Well it's just that I have class soon and you are just talking to your friend and.

STUDENT shoves her finger in his face. JAKE looks up from his book and smiles.

STUDENT
Sorry about that. Yeah some freshman. Anyway what were we talking about? Oh right, anyway, I'm at this party and you will never guess who comes walking in? Nope. Nope. Nope. OK, I'll tell you. I'm at this party and Bobbie effing Vance comes walking in. I know! It's like he's stalking me or something.

FREDDY, defeated, sits down in one of the chairs. Immediately, STUDENT freezes and looks at him like he just committed a carnal sin. She stares at him for a moment, in shock. JAKE puts his book away as this show is going to be much better.

STUDENT
Excuse me? Excuse me? What do you think you are doing?

FREDDY
Waiting? I guess? Why?

STUDENT
Did I say you could sit down?

FREDDY
Well no but

STUDENT
Then step behind the red line. Please. Effing freshmen.

FREDDY steps behind the red line while JAKE is laughing hysterically. STUDENT goes back to her conversation.

STUDENT (CONT'D)
So anyway, Bobbie comes walking in with that slut Cindy and proceeds to go upstairs to his room. Well yes it was at his place, that doesn't mean he has any right to be there

FREDDY turns around and notices JAKE who is still laughing.

FREDDY
Something funny?

JAKE
What? Oh yeah something is hilarious.

FREDDY
What?

JAKE
What?

FREDDY
What is so funny?

JAKE
Oh. It's nothing.

FREDDY
Well go ahead and laugh it up. Glad I could help brighten your day.

JAKE
Oh yeah. That was awesome.

JAKE holds up his finger imitating STUDENT

JAKE (As student)
"Would you wait? Please. What do you think I am here to help you effing students? I have bigger things to worry about." Fucking hil-arous! You can't pay for that kind of comedy, Thanks for that buddy.

FREDDY
I'm not your buddy, OK.

JAKE
Wow. Sorry man. Didn't mean to offend. Look maybe we got off on the wrong foot. The name's Jake, senior. And your name would be?

FREDDY
Freddy.

JAKE
Freddy? You are kidding right? Man you are too fucking funny.

FREDDY
And just what is so funny about my name?

JAKE
It's nothing, it's just your name is Freddy, and you are a freshman. Freddy The Freshman? Get it? That's called alliteration. Man now that is some funny shit!

FREDDY
How come everyone keeps calling me a freshman?

JAKE
Well you are right?

FREDDY
Yeah. But how can you tell?

JAKE
It's that deer in the headlights look, all freshmen have it. Don't worry about it; it'll go away in about six to eight months. So what are you in for?

FREDDY
Well I just got my bill for fall semester and it says that I owe them three thousand dollars. Now I can't get my books, which means I can't do my homework.

STUDENT hangs up the phone and gestures for FREDDY to come closer but his back is turned and he doesn't notice it.

JAKE
Yeah that sounds about right. Well looks like you're up.

FREDDY turns around relieved to see STUDENT dialing the phone. When he steps past the line she holds her finger up again, points at the phone, then shoos him back. JAKE starts laughing again.

JAKE (CONT'D)
Looks like you missed your window man. Doing a bang up job babe.

STUDENT
Eff you! Jake!

JAKE
Yeah yeah. Sit and spin bitch. Well it looks like you better settle in we're going to be here for a while.

FREDDY
You know her?

JAKE
Know her? Yeah. She's been around, if you get my drift.

FREDDY
Well why is she so...

JAKE
Much of a bitch?

FREDDY
I was going to say unhelpful but I guess that works too.

JAKE
Simple. She doesn't care. Only reason she came to college to get away from her parents for four years, her daddy pays for everything to give himself a two state buffer zone.

FREDDY
So then why work here?

JAKE
Man you are green aren't you? Booze money. Daddy's gold card will cover tuition, food, and an apartment but not the fun stuff so she needs to take on a job and this is an easy one. She comes here a few hours a day between her hangover and the next drink and just sails by.

FREDDY
What about class?

JAKE
Oh please, that girl hasn't seen the inside of a classroom ever.

FREDDY
Then how does she pass her classes?

JAKE
Mystery of life my friend, mystery of life. There are a few ideas but I think you are a bit too young to hear those.

STUDENT flips JAKE off and he responds by blowing her a kiss.

FREDDY
Maybe I'll just come back when she isn't working.

JAKE
No use dude.

FREDDY
They can't all be like her. Can they?

JAKE
Well no. Not all of them. But in my experience they are the best ones to deal with, better than the alternative.

FREDDY
Well what is the alternative?

JAKE
We are my friend, we are. Picture someone whose parents aren't giving them a single cent for college, this is their third, sometimes fourth job, plus homework, eventually you would just stop caring as well.

FREDDY
Well what about the advisors? Aren't they paid to help us?

JAKE
That is a common misconception, actually they are paid to help the government save money, so they take advantage of every loophole and make you just through every hoop you can in hopes that you will just give up and drop out. Oppression of the proletariat and all that. Take a class on Marxism it will make sense. Tell you what; you seem like a nice kid Freddy the freshman, so I'm going to help you.

FREDDY
You are?

JAKE
Yeah. But I can't do it for free Freddy, how much money you got on you today?

FREDDY
Fifty bucks.

JAKE
Give it to me.

FREDDY hands over the money and JAKE wraps his arm around FREDDY's shoulders leading him over to the desk. STUDENT freezes and starts to life her finger when JAKE hangs up her phone and pulls the cord out.

STUDENT
What the hell Jake?

JAKE
Oops. Looks like you got disconnected, guess you can help my friend Freddy here.

STUDENT
You're kidding right? Freddy the freshman? You can't be serious.

JAKE
As a heart attack. Now will you help him or not? I would like to get back to my book.

STUDENT
Yeah yeah. But you need to...

JAKE
Please step behind the red line, I know, I know.

JAKE goes back to his bag, pulls out his book and keeps reading.

STUDENT
Please have a seat. Now, how can I help you today?

FREDDY
Well as you know student bills are due and I just got a statement in the mail saying that I owe a lot of money.

STUDENT
You need the cashier's office; it's up the stairs to your left.

FREDDY
No. I don't want to pay it.

STUDENT
Well I hate to break it to you but you have to pay it otherwise you won't be able to register for next year, you can't get your transcripts, and your children will grow up to be Satanists and transvestites.

FREDDY
What? Are you serious?

STUDENT
Yeah. Transvestites, horrible fashion sense if you ask me.

FREDDY
Anyway. I don't want to pay it because I am supposed to be getting financial aid, enough to cover tuition and books.

STUDENT
Well let me just pull up your records. I need your student number, birth date, social security number, and bank account information.

FREDDY
But I don't have all that.

STUDENT
Fine. I guess I can to this the hard way. Well?

FREDDY
Well what?

STUDENT
I need your last name.

FREDDY
That's the hard way?

STUDENT
Do you want me to help you or not?

FREDDY
Smith. My last name is Smith.

STUDENT
OK Mr. Smith, first name Freddy, let me see what we got here. Oh. Well OK, there is your problem; your paperwork hasn't been processed yet. We show that you filed on March first at 12:03 P.M.

FREDDY
But isn't the deadline March first?

STUDENT
So you see your mistake?

FREDDY
No I don't understand, I filed by the deadline so why hasn't it been processed yet.

STUDENT
No, you were three minutes late, that delays your paperwork until December.

FREDDY
December? I can't wait until December. Isn't there something you can do?

STUDENT
Well. I suppose. Judging by your paperwork, you are going to have to fill out a proof of low income form, in triplicate, send all three copies to Guam and have them returned, and then we can bump you up tooooo... the last week of November.

FREDDY
This is ridiculous! I'll have failed by then. Can I speak with an advisor?

STUDENT
I'm sorry but all our advisors are occupied at the moment is there anything I can do?

FREDDY
Obviously not. What are they doing in there? Watching TV or something?

STUDENT
NPR actually, and computer solitaire, it's an addicting game you know.

FREDDY
So what do you suggest I do?

STUDENT
Pay your bill and when your paperwork goes through, you will be reimbursed.

FREDDY
But if I had the money, I wouldn't need to be here.

STUDENT
Well then I don't know what to tell you. Goodbye.

FREDDY throws one of the chairs and storms out as JAKE puts away his book and walks up to the desk.

FREDDY
Fuck this! I'm going to work for Wal-Mart!

JAKE
Another helpful day?

STUDENT
What can I do for you Jake?

JAKE
Well I am here to apply for aid.

STUDENT
After eight years you should know that you can't apply here.

JAKE
No. After eight years I have figured out that here is where I need to apply.

JAKE starts pulling assorted items out of his bag.

JAKE (CONT'D)
Here is ten copies of my FAFSA for the 2023 tax year, three sets of three for when the first two sets get lost and one for you to sign and date as proof that I submitted it today. In addition to that I have copies of my tax returns from 1875 up through 2023 along with my parents as well, again ten copies of each. And here is the proof of low income forms as well, along with the birth certificate for my first born, a contract for my soul, and the obligatory two pints of virgin blood. Anything else you need?

STUDENT
Hold on a moment.

STUDENT picks up the phone and dials.

STUDENT (CONT'D)
Sorry to bother you but I think you should come out here; there is a young man to see you.

ADVISOR enters from behind the desk and STUDENT surrenders her seat.

ADVISOR
Well, what do we have here?

JAKE
My application for financial aid for the year 2023. You will see that everything is in order, the paperwork, soul, child, and blood. Did I miss anything?

ADVISOR
This application is for 2023?

JAKE
That is correct; I figured that I should give you a twenty year head start on it so it will be sure to be done in time.

ADVISOR opens a drawer in the desk, pulls out a piece of paper, writes a few things on it, then stamps it and hands it to JAKE.

ADVISOR
Well here you go?

JAKE
What is this?

ADVISOR
Your diploma, just fill out what major you want and go.

JAKE
I don't understand?

ADVISOR
It's simple, you have cracked the system, and therefore, we have no further need for you. Just don't tell anyone what you've learned.

JAKE takes his diploma and starts to exit.

ADVISOR (CONT'D)
Oh and Jake? Have a nice day.

Curtain.