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Rated: 13+ · Prose · Romance/Love · #1509803
Have u ever had a secret crush on someone? Is it real or just the dream?
He is sensible and sane. Though no one knows what actually goes on in the mind of another at first impression he portrays an absolute version of normal and a prudent level headedness that maximizes his sensibility.
His projected goal is precision, exactly as two plus two equals four. He represents an articulate plan of thought and exudes sureness with every word he speaks.
He is knowledgeable on most subjects, and the ones he is not he honestly admits his ignorance to show the preciseness of his nature. He is a perfect professional with the maturity of a trained falcon skillfully perched on the shoulder of his master watching and waiting for the right moment to swoop down on the pathetic prey peacefully searching for his daily portion of nourishment completely unaware of the pending doom that awaits him.
He releases humor with a one syllable smirk and a shake of his head. Laughing out loud would not be in his character. Although he finds many things amusing and enjoys the warmth of a smile, he will only shows this emotion when it is a suitable time to reveal it. He gives off a caring, protective vibration and attunes to your needs when you are around him.
He is an attentive listener when most are not. You speak in a discussion with no acknowledgement and assume your comment was not heard or if it was heard it was not considered and the conversation continues, then he will interject to reiterate your opinion for others to hear again but with his own view attached for support.
His dress is appropriate for any situation he may find himself in, not that he would ever believe himself in a situation beyond his control, he is prepared for it just in case.
He is eloquent and well mannered in a very masculine way. His good behavior is a remembrance of old school, old ways, and olden times when children were seen but not heard and good fences made good neighbors. A time when the table was set for dinner and everyone believed in God.
Rest assured he will speak of foul or despicable things in the right company in the right discussion knowing safely it would not be repeated and that he, himself would never repeat what another may remark or spill. His worthiness of trust is impeccable and never ever questioned. He is an example of what should be, the pillar others wish to be, the expected, a picture’s perfect of what someone ought to be.
He is as considerate as defined in his mind which is a trained response learn long ago and now rutted into a unnoticed habit, though his consideration is very charming and often mistaken by those of the female persuasion as something more than just a supposed action or statement. He shows his attention through a well mannered phrase and a rich soothing tone quietly spoken with a deep manly voice. He perceives that it is all without intent yet once he evaluates it from an intentional angle he can not regress. The door will be opened and he will see inside. Though viewed by others as unintentional, his consideration does bring him reward that he embraces and consciously enjoys. 
He will receive that same reaction from most feminist when he speaks regardless of the subject matter. Be it poverty, destruction or illness his voice reeks of truth and sensuality.
He believes it is the reaction all men get from all women when consideration is shown. He does not realize that he like a night bird singing his lullaby into the dark is natural, and it would be an effort or even a great strain for most men to show this consideration and still remain as masculine as he.
He contacts the eye of his attention with a straightforward stare, a powerful feat done only by a very few men, maybe it is because women are so sure of their ability to do it all in the world of today that most men do not dare to proclaim agreement by an eye to eye moment in time.
But like him, maybe these very few men are unaware of their all-encompassing glare. Maybe only a few of these men have the sureness that he carries to make such a gesture and still create no guilt of intent in their mind, and assume that the intended assumes there was no intention at all. I do not have the answer to how he obtained his gift or curse.
But I do see the flaw through the assumption of supposed consideration and the assumption of the assumed.
I know first hand this flaw, this unconscious ability to create the image that his consideration is more, that it is not just general thoughtfulness or kindness but an exclamation of a true feeling about me, a way of thinking about me and not about anyone else. This subtle feeling is not meant to be exposed and was ingenuously discovered with no intent by me. Realizing his feeling may be more than a fair consideration by my determination of the eye to eye conclusion. I suddenly look upon him in a different way. I lift my view and start to make my own considerations, my own way of thinking about him and not about anyone else. Then I wonder and ponder to determine and conclude only to relinquish all sound deductions to questionable contemplation once again.
Am I sure what I feel as a direction of his attention is just a twisted interpretation of his general consideration? As general as to anyone, a milkman or butcher, or is it a consideration to someone specially held within a warmer spot of the heart or a softer place in the mind maybe even within the soul. How can I know how he does not feel or may feel but not wish to? 
Yet I cannot ask this one simple question of him. It would be inappropriate and immoral, components he would never possess as I have stated he is the pillar that others wish to be, not the picture or sculpture of the pillar but the real thing. So even if he had a true feeling it may never be revealed. The upstanding wall of good behavior can not be brought down. Even the annealed arrows of cupid would not have strength to break through this formable nature he has grown. It is what he has been born to and proven without a shadow of doubt to be and I would not expect another. I could not accept none other than that genuine self. This concludes my ironic delimma that I brood in my head. Sometimes it comes to mind before I open my eyes when I wake or while I lay before I dream at the time of bed or in the night if I fail to sleep and toss or turn while time speeds to day but darkness still surrounds me.
I wonder of days beyond my future. It is an idea in my conscience beyond reality. It creates a feeling of happiness and warmth through my unfilled self which is unquestionably inappropriate by my standard upbringing but yet this feeling is exuberant and energetic.
It is filled with excitement and anticipation like the foam of ale rising to the top as you ever so carefully fill the glass. Will it spill over and nonchalantly flow down the outer side of the glass to be easily wiped away or will it stop in the nick of time to keep even that one precious sip of the beer from being lost? This eager feeling of importance and agelessness is real even if the dream is not.
So in seeking these feelings of new I continue the dream even though my awareness that it is only a dream is always reminding me of the foolishness of my feelings regardless of how wonderful they are.
I have neither the strength nor power to alert him to these feelings that I have not felt for more years that I should count. It would be too revealing of my mind’s view or feelings of which I too, through tradition and habit must conceal for fear of rejection and shame. The nature I was born to and my training through repetition is refrain and reservation of how I may think about him and not anyone else. I was the child who was seen and not heard. My shyness is still a very strong part of my being and it would take someone with the strength and patience beyond what I have ever seen to coax that telling from my lips.
But in a written word though it will be regretted after it is read like jumping off a bluff into the water below once you leap you can not stop the plunge into the cold wet darkness you can only hope that you will rise back up into the light. Because once something is seen it can not be unseen. But while it is being written it is not yet seen and my aloofness stays intact. I feel protected and controlled.
I do not know why these feelings have developed beyond the above explanation of consideration but my mind reflects the possibility there may be more involvement that determined the feelings, fore I do get consideration from others but never before has customary consideration led to this consumption of my views.
So my mind interprets that there could be something more than imaginary assumption. The eye to eye contact could be replacing a secret handshake or the kiss. That the dream is the reality and that some true feelings from me and the one I speak of has developed and are present.
True feelings that may never be consummated because of the different wore paths already traveled by each of us to a point of turning off that path would be like paddling up the waterfall or climbing out of quicksand without anything to grab hold of. Paths that are rarely mentioned but knowingly exist and can not be ignored.
Maybe these feelings should be acknowledged so the torment of not knowing will be resolved. So the possibility is fulfilled. Then these true feeling might begin to fade and normality might restore itself. If the chance is removed by facing the reality then these inappropriate feeling may be lost and renewed feelings found again with the possibilities of already committed relationships resuming and true feeling for the first intended emerging once more. Then all can coexist happily ever after.
At this point I find that choice a difficult one even though I see no real choice at all only an already determined outcome of unchanging reality and tending realized characteristics of our outwardly known selves, and to never reveal anything other then preordained behavior as it should be and will be and always was. Not to speak of this is the same as shouting the reality of the lack of feelings and the acknowledgement of the dream.
So I ask you please quietly savor my gratitude for the feelings from the dream that was created through your unintended consideration and I will know. Then humbly pretend you have forgotten all this so I may keep from the humiliation and hold on to the possibility that some day a dream may truly come true even if it is not this one.
  The wind has picked up and the clouds are rolling in. The sky is darkening. The leaves are turned and the smell of musk is in the air. I can sense it will be raining soon. The talk of weather is a polite and sensible way to end and leave all else forgotten.
© Copyright 2008 TwoRoses1 (mrpoe at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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