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Rated: 18+ · Short Story · Satire · #1528177
A satirical news articles about Santa Claus and his feud with the Easter Bunny.

APP: According to witnesses Santa and the 9 reindeer (Rudolph leading the way) did a drive by this morning around 3am and were successful in taking down the Easter Bunny. "The bunny was doing his usual pre-Easter hiding of eggs and never saw it coming" says the Tooth Fairy, who was doing her daily rounds. The alleged weapon of choice was a modified elf designed toy gun found at the scene. Santa yelled "Talk shit now bitch" just before pulling the trigger; witnesses say. Santa was last seen heading North and attempts to have him turn himself in have been unsuccessful. The Police spokeswoman has informed the media that Mrs. Claus has spoken with her husband and her pleas have fallen on deaf ears. Police further say that the attack stems from an argument between the two where the Easter Bunny claimed that he was loved more by kids; the words escalated and the two were physically separated by Cupid. The public is placed on high alert, Santa is believed to be armed and dangerous due to a large toy sack he was carrying in the sleigh. " We don't know how many toy guns he has in his possession, but the sack was pretty large", say the Police.

A few elves wishing to remain anonymous, stated "this feud has been going on for awhile" and they believe Santa snapped from the pressure of being on the "Atkins Diet" for so long. The Cookie Monster being an expert on eating, says "Food deprivation is the number one cause of murder in this country". "There comes a breaking point where the hunger pains become too great and the mind snaps", he continues.

The police do not believe this will end peacefully based on their conversations with Santa but are hoping for the best outcome. "We believe that we will have to use deadly force....that dude is crazy", says Captain Crunch. Mrs. Claus believes this is a clever scheme devised by the originator of both Christmas and Easter. "I think Jesus wants his days back" she stated at the press conference. Jesus who has been outspoken on the over commercialization of these two holidays had no comment.

Tyr Annassassi reporting.


APP: Several weeks have passed and Santa remains at large. Wanted for the alleged brutal assassination of the Easter Bunny. How can a fat jolly guy in a bright red suit driving a sled pulled by reindeer be so elusive? What could have made a kid hero go so bad?

Those questions led us to uncover who Santa really is. According to undisclosed sources, Santa in his down time runs a well organized crime family. We have learned from "Sleepy", one of the 7 dwarfs now in custody for pimping, that Santa has a hand in their operation and that "Snow White" is a code word for all the hookers under their management. In addition to prostitution, Santa is believed to be involved in marijuana distribution. The DEA has had him under surveillance for several months. "Santa has been selling marijuana to the Smurfs for years," the DEA reports, "how else do you think they have maintained their blue skin." (Blue marijuana is allegedly the best and most expensive on the streets)

Santa also has been alleged to be involved in the 101 Dalmatians (an illegal dog fighting club), Hot Wheels (an auto chop shop) and The Cabbage Patch Kids (a ruthless gang that controls the west side). Mrs. Claus in a bid to avoid prosecution, has admitted that Santa achieved most of his fortune from illegal arms sales during the Star Wars.

This may confirm the rumors that have been going around for years that Santa is actually the devil. Santa has always in the past brushed off the fact that Satan and Santa are spelled with the same letters as a mere coincidence. That won't be so easy to do now.

Tyr Annassassi reporting


APP:  Humpty-Dumpty reports on his blog “The Wall” that Santa has been captured. 

According to the blog, Santa was hiding out in Candy Land, a lawless city run by Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  It appears that Santa fathered the Three Bears with Goldilocks while he was in rehab several years ago recovering from his addiction to Frosted Flakes.  Now, the police are saying that Goldilocks had kept the triplets a secret from Santa for many years.  They further report that Goldilocks was recently seeking child support from Santa and this may have caused his mental breakdown.  Santa has been rumored to have hired the law firm of the Three Musketeers to represent him in both the criminal and child support cases.  The Three Musketeers are best known for getting an acquittal for Jack of the Beanstalk when he was accused of stealing the Goose who laid golden eggs.  Hickory Dickery Dock, the district attorney, says that this time the “London Bridge Defense” won’t get Santa off as it did Jack.  He comments, that despite having Jack on camera confiscating the Goose, his team wasn’t prepared for the direct examination of Jack which confused the jury between Jack of the Beanstalk with Jack of Jack and Jill.  The jury thinking that Jack had fell down and broke his crown while crossing the London Bridge acquitted Jack of all charges.  Arraignment for Santa is set for later this month.  The district attorney will be seeking the death penalty for the brutal slaying of the Easter Bunny.

~Tyr Annassassi reporting.
© Copyright 2009 Tyr Annassassi (tyrannassassi at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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