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Rated: E · Letter/Memo · Satire · #1531860
A private citizen's letter concerning the bailout.
The Honorable Arlen Specter
United States Senate
Washington, D.C. 20510

Dear Senator Specter,

I am writing you today because I want to express my displeasure with the way the bailout money has been spent. I've paid my taxes like the good citizen that I am, and I feel as such that I should at least be able to object to obviously corrupt and/or inept companies being rescued with my money. Ford has been practicing irresponsible business for the entire last generation, outsourcing their factories and opting not to develop cleaner cars. So, they are responsible for their own suffering. We live in a capitalist society, let those dead end companies fail and invest in the enterprises that will carry the American economy into the 21st century and beyond!

However, the bailout bill has already passed. And it is with that in mind that I respectfully put forth a good source for some bailout money. In this recession, the outdoor and leisure industries have been severely hurt. People that are in this frightening economy all of the sudden can't afford to go skiing, to go camping, bear hunting, or even spelunking! Even worse, especially for me, many Americans cannot afford something as simple and necessary as paintballs for their paintball markers.

I'm speaking specifically of Help Nelson Scenario Paintball. They're a team of good, hard working Americans from your constituency. Made up of Firefighters, College Students, and even a decorated Cavalary Scout, Help Nelson's team members are the salt of the earth types who pay their taxes and shun lives of crime. However, with the recession, Help Nelson is finding it increasingly difficult to be able to enjoy the fruits of their honest labor and play a few games of paintball a year. Wages are going down, and prices are going up. It's sad, but true.

So, I propose that rather then waste money on car companies that aren't even American anymore, invest bailout money wisely. For just scraps of money, Help Nelson can continue in their noble mission to have fun, practice good sportsmanship, and keep America safe from the German War Machine. For $10,000, Help Nelson can begin production on “Death Zebras” a tank designed from the ground up to vigorously stimulate the economy while keeping the Germans at bay. Additionally, Death Zebras can serve an auxiliary role in the defense of this wonderful nation, the planned plywood armor will be able to stop .68 caliber rounds! For $100,000, an entire platoon of Death Zebrii can be roaming the streets of crime infested areas such as Kensington, Port Richmond, and Upper Southampton.

And I would like to point out right now that Help Nelson does not condone cheating, of any sort. We do not use steroids, or any other performance enhancing drugs. Not even a little bit. The only exception is “HN Victory Sauce”, the chemical makeup of which is even unknown to me. All I know is that it is AWESOME! You should try it. For $101,000 Help Nelson will furnish all Pennsylvania senators with bottles of Victory Sauce, along with doing the Death Zebras thing we talked about.

I can also promise that every single cent of any bailout money we receive will be spent promptly on good, AMERICAN products and companies. Thusly, we'll be stimulating a troubled sector of the economy. It's simply a win-win here. Help Nelson Scenario Paintball and the US Government could be a wonderfully productive symbiosis.

I eagerly await your reply,

Thank you,


Michael W. Lydon (See, a w! That stands for freedom!)
Captain, Help Nelson Scenario Paintball

P.S. Freedom.
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