Unworthy of the Gift

She came out of the diner to walk home like she always did, but today was different. Today was rainy and cold. It never rains in Austin and it doesn’t get cold in Texas, but this was definitely cold rain. She stopped just outside of the door of the diner. She laid a wine colored velvet drawstring bag on the sidewalk and bent to tie her shoe. While she was crouched over her cheap pink sneaker to fight with a grease covered shoe lace, a tall, handsome Jewish man with curly locks and a twinkle in his eye recognized that bag, but his eyes somehow managed to cast over the girl. Maybe, because she had changed so much, maybe because the street was so busy he missed her or maybe just because he couldn't see her face. He clutched the bag. It was just as heavy as he had last seen it. Its contents remained unaltered. He made his way around the corner before she ever looked up.
Her shoe tied, she leaned to the left to reach for her prized possession--more or less her only possession. She needed it, but it was gone. Warm tears rolled down her lonely face as cold rain showered her neglected body. That bag was one of two ties to a past she had no memory of and now it was gone. She knew it was stupid to carry it with her. She didn't exactly live in the safest city in the world, nor work in the safest diner but it comforted her fragile mind to have it with her. Well it was gone. What could she do? She walked on.
Then the huge pieces of ice started dropping over the earth. The sky spewed hail like a ball machine in one of those batting cages had broken and started spitting huge high-powered balls at her non-stop, beating her with them.
The next thing she knew, she was huddled under a canopy outside of a building downtown, trying to stay warm and protect her head from the ever-flying balls. The hail stopped as abruptly as it started. It just stopped.
Marie Ann Rodriguez stepped out of the Cathedral. She tied a red scarf around her head and opened an umbrella. She and her husband usually left the church together but he had work to do tonight. It was a big church and he was the deacon. He always had plenty to do. They both did, but she had done her part for today. She started down the sidewalk to her car but she heard something like a pant, or moan. She looked to the left and then right and that’s when she saw a young woman with a piece of cloth over her head in flowing clothes. She recognized that woman. It was the woman in the frosted glass window above the crucifix in the church. Marie crossed herself in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
She leaned down and extended her hand. “Mary, are you okay?”
Reese looked scared but took the woman’s hand. Marie pulled her up and she stepped onto the sidewalk. In the light of the street Marie could see that there was no cloth over the girl’s head. She was wrapped in the night, giving her the appearance of a covered head. Her clothes were wet and stuck to her then her pants flared out at her knees—the flowing clothes were just one more illusion. Marie had found this young girl who resembled Mary outside of the church for a reason.
“Honey, what’s your name?”
“Reese”
"Reese, are you okay?"
"I got a little banged up, but I should be fine."
"You do look bruised up. Well, where are you going?”
“Umm--home. I was just walking home. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. I was just trying to avoid the hail."
“Where do you live? I can give you a ride."
For a long time Reese hadn't really lived anywhere and in a way she had lived everywhere. Now she stayed in a shelter. The rent was all she could afford. She’d walked away from a decent life. She came here with only her drawstring bag and a suitcase of clothes but the suitcase had disappeared. What was she going to tell this nice woman? She couldn't tell her she was staying in a shelter.
"You know it's just down the street from here. I can walk. I'm fine. I do it every night."
It was as if Marie's youngest daughter just looked at her and said "I'll walk through the hail storm.”
Her eyes squinted. "Do you live with your parents?"
"No."
"You live on campus, then?"
Reese was becoming agitated. This woman was asking her too many questions. "No."
"Reese, do you have a place to live?" She asked.
She looked down, embarrassed, "I’m staying at ARCH."
Marie had done work with ARCH. She knew it well. It was a good organization, but some of the people there were a little too colorful for a young girl to be tossed into a room with. And this girl had a big welt on her jaw, the hail she was out in had really pounded her."
"Let's get your jaw checked out. It's from the hail, right?"
"Yes, but I don't need a doctor.”
“Honey, that welt is pretty big. Does it hurt?"
"A little, but I don't need a doctor."
“Let me look at it.” Marie leaned forward to examine her face. She gently put her hand on Reese’s jaw.
“Oww!”
"Your jaw could be broken, we can get it checked at the Catholic Charities hospital. It's free.”

“Marie, I’m really not supposed to talk to you about a patient.” Dr. Bhakta said.
“Well, I found her for a reason. At least, tell me what’s going to happen to her.”
“Her jaw isn't broken but the contusion goes all they way to the bone. I told her to keep ice on it and the swelling should go down tomorrow. She has some memory loss and she has a bump on her head. I was trying to get some information from her to help her since you told me the situation. There is a lot she doesn't remember but she is perfectly aware of the present. It's almost like she's repressed something, which concerns me. Because that means it had to be traumatic, but there is no medical reason for me to keep her here and we need the bed. She said she has a room at ARCH. I can call and see if someone could pick her up."
“I don’t—it’s not a safe place for a girl like that."
Suddenly there was a strong male voice behind her, “Marie, what’s going on?”
Her eyebrows rose. How did he know where she was? She hadn’t even called him. Dr. Bhakta could sense her surprise.
“I called him, Marie. I thought he should know. You’re a nice lady—I just didn’t want something to happen to you. You don’t know this girl.”
“Mark, I was going to call you, but I didn’t want to disturb you while you were busy with the church. I found a girl outside the church and felt as if Mary told me to take care of her, so I just brought her here. She’s a beautiful girl. She was out in the hail storm and got bruised up. It looked as if her jaw might be broken so I brought her here.”
“Marie, you can’t just take people in like this. I know you found her at the church, but the church is downtown. Honey, we’ve had this conversation. That’s where the bus lets the disturbed people out. I know you want to help everyone but we can’t endanger ourselves.” Mark was a tall man and he still looked relatively young to be in his mid 60’s. He still had a full head of hair. He started life with a military career and then worked in the defense industry before he retired. He had compassion for people as Maria did, but he knew that there was a line. That's one thing military life teaches you.
“I’m taking her home.”
“To ARCH?”
Marie didn't say anything. She just looked at him.
“What? With us? Are you listening to me?”
“Mark, I raised four kids and I did it well. I teach Sunday school and I run whole ministries in that church. I’m a capable woman and now I need you to trust me. God put me on that sidewalk while that girl was huddled under the side of the church trying to stay warm for a reason and I don’t know why but it happened. I’m not letting her get shipped back to that homeless shelter. She’s Elizabeth’s age. What if Elizabeth found herself confused and in the cold? Do you want Elizabeth sleeping in a homeless shelter?”
“Elizabeth is my daughter.”
“And that girl is someone’s daughter.”
Mark looked at the doctor. “She’s going home with us.”
The doctor shook his head. “I got a wife at home and two daughters. I know what it is to argue with women, but I wouldn’t give in on this one.”
Mark looked from the doctor to his wife, whose arms were crossed and face was firm.
She didn’t say anything. She just looked at him with a look that said you don’t live with this doctor.
He looked back to the doctor. “She’s coming home with us.”
Mark prayed he made the right choice letting Marie bring this girl home. He wanted to help her--he did, but not at the cost of safety.

“Reese, do you remember what you were doing before you went to the church?” Marie asked.
“I was walking to the ARCH. I put my bag down to tie my shoe--I never put it down and I put it down. When I looked up it was gone. The rain started and then the hail. I'm so mad at myself. I've lived like this for a long time and I've never put that bag down because if I did it would be gone. And the one time I have a lapse of judgment it's just gone.”
"These things happen, sweetie." Marie consoled the girl.
"I know you're trying to help me, but you really don't have to do this. I'll be fine. I've been staying there for a while. It's not so bad."
"I insist you come. My children all grew up and moved away and Mark and I are alone. It would make us so happy to have someone to share Easter with. Please?"
Reese smiled for the first time in a long time. Something about Marie comforted her. It was almost like a mother. Reese could almost remember her mother--well not really just that she had one.

Meanwhile, the tall, handsome Jewish man sat on his black leather couch in his apartment across town holding the velvet bag. He used to carry this bag back when he was young—well he was young—well it was a long story. He half wondered if today was the day. You can run as long as you want, but you can’t escape fate. He knew that. He was that. The bag reminded him of a friend that he had lost—lost forever. Or maybe more of an event that had happened in his life, an event that he found it impossible to move away from, an event he couldn’t forgive himself for.
He had half a mind to find a Passover service, but it was just a passing thought. He sat anxious on the couch and contemplated when fate would finally find the chance to catch up with him and what did it have in store for him. You couldn’t do what he did and not expect to pay. He knew all too well there would be no “what might have been”. He had already done it and he couldn’t take it back. There was no “what if”. There was only “what was”.

Marie took the girl to a spare bedroom and gave her some dry clothes. When Reese came out, looking better, but still not great, Marie offered her coffee and pie. Marie had been abstinent of both treats for forty days and would spend the next two fasting so she was going to have her coffee and pie tonight. The girl sat on a bar stool in front of the breakfast bar eating. She was enjoying it, but not because it was good pie. It was, but the girl was hungry. Marie’s phone rang.
She picked it up. “Becca I don’t have time to talk right now. I have a guest. I’ll have to call you back.” She put the phone down.
The girl dropped her fork and stared into Marie. “What did you say?”
“Honey, it was nothing. It was just a phone call.”
“But you said what?”
“I told Becca I would have to call her back.”
“Becca, that’s it.” It was as if the girl had an epiphany. The girl hit herself in the forehead. “Becca and I’m Becca. No, Rebecca I’m Rebecca but sometimes I’m just Becky. I remember that.”
Marie was surprised. She was glad the girl could remember something. They couldn’t help her if they didn’t know her story. But it didn’t seem as if the girl wanted to remember.
“I thought you were Reese?"
"I am or I thought I was, but I know I'm Rebecca. I know I was called Rebecca."
Faded brown curls fell over Marie's chubby face. She was perplexed. She pursed her lips in thought for a moment and then asked, "Well, why did you say you were Reese?"
“I couldn't remember my name. I couldn't remember how I got here. I needed a job." Rebecca shrugged just enough to rustle the shaggy blonde hair that lay on her shoulders. "I had to have a name to get a job.”
"I had never been here before that, at least I don’t think so. I couldn’t remember anything. I just started walking when I got out of the airport and I ended up on Congress. I didn't have anything. I had $50 in my carryon. That's why I needed a job so bad."
"Carryon? So you flew here?" Marie asked.
Rebecca nodded.
Marie exhaled. “Rebecca, Mark and I will be spending the day at church tomorrow and why don’t you come with us?"
Rebecca smiled as she climbed the stairs and went to the room that she had been provided. She slept through the night better than she had slept in a long time. When she woke up she was confused. She wasn’t too sure of anything. She remembered working last night and she knew she didn't usually work on Saturday night but she thought it was Sunday because Marie had invited to her church. She’d been to church before. She vaguely remembered that. It wasn’t here though. It was in a mountain region. That’s about all she remembered. Even that wasn't a memory it was more of a sort of brief familiarity. She didn’t know if she should stay in her room or go down stairs. She made the bed and sat on the edge of it. There was a loud knock on the door.
“Rebecca?” Marie asked.
Rebecca opened the door.
“Would you like a piece of fruit or some yogurt? It’s Good Friday, so I didn’t cook but I have fruit and yogurt downstairs.”
Rebecca smiled. “Thank you. That would be great.”
As they walked down the stairs Marie asked, “Are you religious? Do you remember?”
“I don’t really remember, but I remember I’ve been to church before. It was somewhere different than here though, in a place with mountains.”
“So you lived somewhere else?”
“I guess so. It’s weird. I feel like I can remember certain things but they don’t seem real. I mean I remember eating pie with you last night and I really remember that. But I remember a place with mountains, a building I think I was at, just things like that but they don’t seem real. They're distant, maybe fabricated so vague like—like a general idea of something you get from reading a caption but not the kind of memory you’d have of something you personally know.”
Marie was a high school teacher before she and her husband decided to retire and work exclusively with the church and something about that word choice just struck her.
“Well where ever you were or whatever you did, I think you had a good education.”
Marie got dressed and took a dress from her daughter’s closet for Rebecca to wear and the two headed for church. The short sleeve pale summer dress was a little big on Rebecca because she was bit thinner than she should have been but it would have fit her perfectly when she was healthy. Mark stood at the iron-gate that separated the sidewalk of downtown Austin from the courtyard of the Cathedral. An attractive young man, with dark locks hanging in his eyes stood with him worried about fate, more specifically his own, the same young man who had picked a velvet draw string bag off a street corner only one day before. He had it tucked in his back pocket. He was keeping it for the day that fate would find him. Actually, he was ready to accept fate. He was tired of fighting fate. He was out of energy. He cleaned the church to pay his rent these days and he couldn’t help but see the irony in that. Mark invited the young man into church like he did every week and he respectfully declined as he did every week. Marie and Rebecca walked up behind Mark.
“Hi.” Marie said. Mark turned and smiled at her and nodded at Rebecca.
“Honey have you met are groundskeeper?” Mark asked.
She shook her head. “No I don’t believe I have.” She extended her hand. “I’m Marie.”
The young man shook her hand. “I’m Ju—“ and then his eyes fell on Rebecca. She knew him as Jude. Fate was coming. But knowing that it involved her made him less prepared for it. “Julius.” He said. Well, at least she was alive. He wondered about that when he found the bag.
Marie put her soft thick hand on Rebecca's shoulder. “Honey, why don’t you introduce yourself?” She asked.
Rebecca stared into the guy’s face. She knew him. She didn’t know from where, but she knew him. She had mixed feelings about him. She was more confused now than ever. A surge of passion overcame her. She didn’t know if she loved him or hated him. She half wanted to hug him and half wanted to slap him and the worse part was she didn’t even know why.
She extended her hand. “I’m Rebecca.”
He was so familiar and then she saw the wine colored draw string hanging out of his back pocket.
“That’s mine. That’s my bag.” Her voice was high pitched. It was obvious she was upset.
Mark looked at Marie and Marie shrugged her shoulders as if to say, “I don’t know.”
Jude ignored her. He shook her hand. “I’m Julius.”
Their eyes connected. When she looked at him with those piercing blue eyes he couldn’t help but smile his crooked smile. And that crooked smile set forth quite the chain of events.
She knew that smile. She vowed she would never forget that smile and she hadn’t, though she hadn’t remembered him the way she hoped to. Even in a state where she couldn’t remember herself, she remembered that smile. Her mind became flooded with memories.
Reese--she thought she was Reese because she was--Rebecca Reese. She was a teenage beauty queen, a suburban princess. He loved her. He left her. He left that bag for her. Her thoughts were—
Swimming.
Her meager face was again stained with tears and she fell to her knees. She thrust her arms around her stomach as if she were about to throw up. She was gasping for air—
Swimming.
There was more to it than this. She had an active roll in all this--the memory loss, confusion, homelessness, worthlessness, nothingness, she had an active roll in creating this but she couldn't remember what.
Jude's eyes teared. He never meant to hurt her. He left to protect her. He was worried she wouldn't understand, but he thought she would get over it. She would find a nice man to marry and be happy with.
"Rebecca, I'm sorry. Just get up. I'm sorry. He extended his arm to help her up. She spit in his hand.
Mark looked at his wife as if to ask what was going on. She was standing, mouth opened, eyes open in amazement.
Then reality hit Rebecca. She was making a scene. She could feel the eyes on her. These people had been so kind to her. She didn't want to offend them, but her brain hurt and her thoughts were racing or swimming.
Swimming.
There was that word again. She stood up. She was in pain, but she had to do this. There was more to it, but she couldn't remember what.
She let out an exasperated sigh, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I hate you! And that’s my bag. Give me my bag.”
“I deserve that, I guess. Can we talk?”
“Give me my bag.”
Marie was worried about Rebecca. What could have happened to her? What did he do to her? And it had to be something. That was not a normal reaction to a chance encounter even for someone who you didn't want to see again. They obviously knew each other and maybe her memory was coming back. Maybe, this was a good thing.
“Rebecca, I think you should calm down.” Marie said a little concerned.
Rebecca was embarrassed. She looked at Marie. “I’m sorry. He has my bag. The string is sticking out of his pocket. Can you just ask him to give me my bag?”
“Do you have her bag?’ she asked.
“It’s not about the bag. She knows it’s not about the bag. I don’t even know how she got here. She doesn’t belong here. She’s obviously not doing well here.”
“I drove her here.” Marie said.
“To Texas?” He asked, “You drove her to Texas?” Marie remembered Rebecca had mentioned mountains. She wasn’t from Texas, this Julius was right.
“What do you mean drove her to Texas?” she asked.
He pulled a wallet out of his back pocket which caused the drawstring bag to land on the ground with a thud.
“Give me my bag. You owe me that stupid bag!”
He bent down and picked it up but made no effort to hand it to her. Instead he opened his wallet and proudly displayed a picture of a healthier, younger Rebecca Reeves in a formal gown standing beside him at the Student Union of Virginia Tech. The thing that stood out to Marie the most about that picture is that she was happy, visibly happy. It was hard to imagine this broken, gangly girl in front of her as that girl. And Rebecca was years younger in that picture, why was he still carrying it around?
“Mark, I think we should go in.” Marie said. He nodded took his wife’s hand and walked towards the church.
When they were far enough away he didn’t think Rebecca could hear, he asked, “Do you think we should leave her out there with him?”
“I think,” she answered, “they have history. He has something to do with why she doesn’t remember anything. They need to talk, but that’s just what I feel. If she doesn't come in after some time I'll check on her.”
Mark kissed her head. That was the mother in her and he loved that.

Jude sat down on a concrete wall in the courtyard. “Sit down.”
She couldn't sit. She couldn't move. She couldn't think.
Swimming--Swimming--Swimming.
Why, why was this word so important?
Swimming.
She felt as if she was twirling around in circles. She stammered toward the concrete wall. Not because he told her to, but because she had to find somewhere to sit before she hit the ground again. She took a deep breath. She was getting a grasp on things. Okay this was Jude and she loved him but he was a liar and he hurt, so she hated him. She breathed in.
Swimming.
They were in Virginia when they were still in school before everything happened and he wanted to buy a house. They were students, but he was a med student in residency. He got a paid a nice amount and buying a house was reasonable. He asked her to come help him look at it, because the assumption was one day she would be living there. There was a creek behind the house.
She jokingly said, "Not this one. There is no fence. I don't do swamps and you can't swim. What about the babies?"
It was another way for her to pick at him for not being able to swim. She had offered to teach him several times but he didn't want to learn and she found his hatred of water surprising because he used to fish. He had a nightmare in her apartment one night. He screamed. She woke him up to make sure he was all right. He told her that he was just dreaming about the night he was on a boat with his old fishing buddy. They used to go fishing in a boat a lot, before the friend died. Rebecca always wondered if maybe he had drowned and that's why Jude hated water.
Well, when she asked what about the babies he told her, "Don't worry. Babies can swim. They come out of the womb swimming."
But her baby didn't swim out.
Jude looked at this broken crushed girl. The only woman he had ever loved and he felt horrible. He really was just trying to protect her. He just wanted her to have a good life. He looked into her eyes.
"Rebecca, what happened to you?"
The way he said it was so sympathetic, like he was genuinely concerned, but it still enraged her. She wasn’t beautiful anymore. She knew that. She wasn’t Rebecca anymore. She knew that too. She wasn’t successful anymore. She knew that, but how dare he say it. He caused it! He took a beautiful motivated young woman—an 18 year old college sophomore and turned her into the broken 23 year old mess that sat in front of him and he had the nerve to ask her that.
He read her expression. “That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. You’re obviously hurt—“
She burst into tears. “I’m not hurt. If you want to ask stupid questions, it’s your prerogative.” She was sobbing.
“Not about the question. I mean very hurt—“
She wiped her tears. She was silent for a moment and then she said, “Oh? So what? I’m damaged now? Wow! Well in all the things that have changed, your ego hasn’t.”
He rolled his eyes. He didn’t know if he brought out the best in her or the worse in her.
“Rebecca Lynn Reeves, how did you get to Texas? Do your parents know you’re here? Where are you living? Answer my questions.”
“I flew to Texas and I'm dead to my parents. I can barely even remember my parents. I couldn’t remember anything. Until I saw you I only had vague memories of a place with mountains, a man who swore to love me, a place I nearly died—none of them seemed real though. Then when I saw you, I remembered you. I remembered Virginia. I remember leaving school and I remember why. I kind of remember my mom and she said something to me and it wasn’t nice.”
She stared him in the eye, “I remember you.” She was crying again.
He didn’t know weather to laugh or cry. She remembered him. Everyone remembered him. He attempted to put his arm around her.
“Don’t touch me!” Rebecca shouted.
The service hadn’t started yet and that was loud enough to be heard inside the church. Mark stood.
I’ll go.” Marie said.
“What if he’s violent?”
“I can handle my own.”
She was a military wife, she probably could have but this didn’t relieve him, “Marie”
“I’ll call for you.” She went out the door to the corner of the church. She stood so that she could see them sitting in the courtyard but they couldn’t see her.
“Rebecca what do you remember?” Jude asked.
“We were together. I loved you—love you. You said you loved me. You used to walk me to class in the morning and the girls would stare. We went for walks in the park and I made dinner. You spent the night with me for six months before we ever—before we you know…”
He smiled. She still couldn’t say it.
“We were supposed to get married. We were going to have this great life. You even found a house for us. You were going to be a doctor. I was going to be a star. And then I woke up one morning and you weren’t there. Instead, I found a purple drawstring bag with a letter inside that said, ‘I have a past that I can’t overcome and you deserve a future. I can’t explain why I can’t stay but I can’t. I’ll always love you in a peaceful way,’ like it was supposed to make me feel better. I called your phone for a while and you played games with me—“
“I didn’t play games with you.”
“You told me you loved me, but you didn’t want to be with me. You refused to say that you didn’t love me and you refused to be with me. What was I supposed to think?”
“You were supposed to move on.”
“I did—moved on to Texas.”
“You moved away. You were supposed to move on. I didn’t know you were going to be depressed over me for five years. I’m not worth being depressed over. Rebecca, you don’t even know me. If you knew who I was you would understand why we can’t be together. I didn’t lie to you when I said I love you, I do. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you. I didn’t mean for you to fall in love with me. I thought we would be a fling. We didn’t have anything in common. I didn’t mean for things to get so deep. It just got out of my control.”
He shook his head. Things got out of his control. That was how he got here in the first place. To be a 30-year-old man, he was much older and in all of his life keeping things in control was something he never learned.
Marie stood from the corner of the church looking on, astonished. People break up all the time and they don’t end up half a country away dazed and what did this young man do that was so bad that he couldn’t tell this woman, who obviously loved him enough to forgive anything.
“What’s the date?” It was so far from what they we’re talking about. Sometimes he thought she just tried to enrage him.
“It’s the 10th. Why?”
“Did you say it had been 5 years since you left?”
“Yes.”
“She would be four today.”
“Who would be four today?”
“Carolyn”
“Who is Carolyn.”
“Our—my—your—your baby.”
His mouth dropped. She did not say that. He was the damned anti-Christ. He couldn’t continue his line. It was heretic or something. He didn’t know but it wasn’t good. Then he realized she said “would be” not “is.” He was relieved. The world didn’t need another him.
“What happened to her?”
She stared into his face. Her eyes begin to tear and then she sobbed. “You had been gone for a month when I found out. You had quit taking or returning my calls two weeks earlier. I went to your room but you’re stuff was gone. I asked your roommate but he didn’t know where you went. I didn’t know what to do. Me and Stephy took a train into D.C.” She swallowed. “It started out such a pretty day. When we went into the doctor’s office it was sunny and nice. We were talking about going shopping afterwards. When I came out it was dark. It was raining and hailing. It was like last night. I bled for weeks. It wasn’t normal. I had to go on some medication. Stephy said I did it to myself; she told me not to. She had to go home for the summer. I had to be well before I went home so I extended my room, but somehow my mom found out anyway.” She shook her head. “I always thought the doctor told her. I called her before I boarded the plane—She called me a murderer. I asked the receptionist if there were any flights available to anywhere other than Atlanta and she said one seat for Austin so I took it. When I got here I couldn't remember anything. I had a purple carryon, the drawstring bag, and fifty dollars. I was a homeless girl on the street. I couldn't remember my own name. I called myself Reese Smith and made up a social to get a waitress job."
Marie crossed herself and said “Dear Lord, please help this girl to forgive herself so that she can figure things out for herself. Don’t let that one mistake ruin her.”
Jude had spent most of his life like tumbleweed in the wind. He blew from place to place and he had to or there would be questions. He wanted to tell her his past, his curse. He wanted to share it with her, but he thought she didn’t deserve that-- no one did. He left without saying much to save her. He didn’t take into consideration she had already been saved and in trying to protect her he turned his little Southern Baptist girl into a baby killer—a mess—another lost girl walking the streets. If he had only known, he would have taken care of her, at least financially. He promised himself he would never use Rebecca as the innocent bystander to unload his curse on, but he would have made sure she had what she needed. She wouldn’t have been living like a panhandler.
“Rebecca you need to go into church and you need to sit through the service. You need to repent to God. You need to come back tomorrow and celebrate Easter. You need to go the first time confession is open next week and confess to the priest and I think then you’re life will start to come back. I think the things you don’t remember, you will, and the people you’ve lost you’ll make peace with.”
Church had always been a source of contention between Rebecca and Jude. He was Jewish and she respected that. She thought that the Jews were the apples of God’s eye, but he didn’t practice. He wouldn’t go to church with her either and lots of weekends she ended up not going to church because he wouldn’t.
Marie stood at the corner in amazement. This man had such perfect advice for Rebecca. What could he have done that was so horrible he couldn’t confess?
“I’ll go into the church if you will and when you give me my bag.”
“Rebecca I don’t know if I can go to church.”
“Everyone can go to church.”
“I’m not everyone.”
“You still won’t go. You haven’t changed.”
“Rebecca, I’ve been trying to tell you. There are things about me you don’t understand. I’m life not worthy of God.”
“What the hell is wrong with you? I just told you I killed our baby. What could you have done worse than that?”
He looked at the sky and then at her. “The human race will probably thank you for that one day and I killed something bigger than our baby.”
She grimaced as if in pain, “How can you say the human race will thank me for killing our child and what could you kill?”
“Rebecca, I’m not a good person. I’m scum of the Earth—I’m a sell out. I’m a loser. The fact that you prevented someone from inheriting my pathological genes can’t be a bad thing and you don’t want to know who I killed but it was bad and that’s why I couldn’t stay.”
Marie was crying too now. She couldn’t imagine this kid killing someone and she wondered who. They were too immersed in their conversation to notice her so she walked up to the gate. She was close enough that she could protect Rebecca if she needed to.
“Church will be starting soon. You have to go in. I don’t want this life for you. That’s why I left.”
“I’ll go in if you go in and only when you give me my bag.”
Would the church fall down if he went in? Would it spit him out? Would he be erupted from it like a volcano? Would the world stop turning? Would Judgment day come? He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure what to do, but he was responsible for this sin. If he had talked to her she wouldn’t have done it. He couldn’t let her go to hell for this. And she was going to destroy herself if she didn’t forgive herself. She wouldn’t forgive herself if she didn’t think she was forgiven. He was taking a chance—a big one. He hoped he was helping, but usually when he helped people things went terribly wrong.
“I’ll go in the church with you, but I need the bag. I know it’s the only thing I ever gave you and I promised you a lot. I’m aware of this but I lost a good friend a long time ago and this was his and I need it—actually I hurt him and I don’t know if that will ever be okay and I need it.”
Rebecca had hurt people she cared about too. She understood. The fact that he was trying to make things right with God was far more important to her than that bag.
“Okay. But what about us?”
“When you understand who I am, you will understand why we can’t be involved. I need you to know that I love you, but it has to be enough for us to be at peace.”
Another young man, this one with sandy hair down his back, walked inside the iron-gate. Marie got a chill when he passed her. She didn’t know who he was but she could feel something. Jude and Rebecca looked up. They stopped talking. Jude knew him. Rebecca recognized him, but she wasn’t sure from where.
The man looked at Jude.
Judgment day was here.
“I’m still mad at you,” the man said. “Let’s pray.”
And Jude and the man prayed the Lord’s prayer.
Rebecca stood in awe wondering what was going on.
“Is she going to be okay?” Jude asked.
“I’ll take care of her just like I take care of all the situations you create.”
Rebecca looked at Jude. “I’m fine, I don’t need anything.” Then she turned to the man, giving him a firm look. “He doesn’t need you to talk about the situations he creates. He’s been going on about some thing he did the whole day.”
The man was not surprised. He knew her well. She was protective of things that mattered to her.
“If you knew what he did to me, you would understand. Tell her your name, the real one.”
Jude looked up, “My name isn’t Jude Fisher. It’s Judas. Judas Iscariot.”
Iscariot didn’t mean a lot to Rebecca but Judas she recognized. The man said, “If you knew what he did to me.” She knew who the man was. She wanted to fall to her knees and thank him and beg for mercy but she couldn’t. She was just so mad.
“You let me fall in love with Judas? Why did you even put me here?”
Rebecca was crying and the man wanted to comfort her, but her anger was misdirected and it was funny to him.
He laughed, “Rebecca, I didn’t let you—you just did. I didn’t think you would continue to spend time with a man whom you knew had turned his back on his family’s faith, but you did. And that day that you think you destroyed your life I tried to stop you. You got on a train in a tornado warning and rode two hours through a hailstorm. The only thing else I could have done was derail the train, but I had to let you make your choice."
“The hail started afterwards.”
“No, Rebecca. It didn’t. You told yourself that, because you knew I tried to stop you. But you’re not destroyed. You’re going to find real love. You’re looking in the wrong place and he cares about you. He’s not lying about that. He prayed today for the first time in two thousand years—but you need real love and you can only find that in one place.”
“Am I going to hell?”
The man shook his head and laughed. “What does the Bible say?”
“Thou shall not kill?”
The man rolled his eyes, “What did I say?”
“I am the way I am the truth I am the light?”
“You did this to yourself. I forgave you almost five years ago. The only thing standing between us now is your refusal to forgive yourself.”
She knelt and he touched her head. She quit crying and she was filled with a sort of joy she didn’t recognize.
The man commanded she go into the church and for the first time in her life she truly obeyed.
Judas looked the man in the eye, “Thank you.”
“That was for her, not you.”
“It was more complicated than the silver.”
“It always is. But the first time you can find the desire to go into my house, it’s for your love of a girl more than your love for me. Why?”
“I’m not worthy of you.” His eyes were tearing.
“Well, that’s the thing about a gift. It’s a gift because you don’t deserve it. It’s given to you out of love not because you earned it. I suffered to end all suffering—even yours.”
Judas bit his lip. “I betrayed you and you knew it was going to be me. You knew then the kind of person I am—life not worthy of life.”
“My father created you. You’re worthy of life. I knew it was you because I knew how things were going. You were always jealous.”
“It’s a personality flaw.”
“I know that too. I know they said the devil entered you, but the devil enters everyone every day. Some people several times a day. Jealousy is the devil. Anger is the devil--even guilt can be the devil. Good people just overcome it. If you had asked for strength it would have been granted—but the prophecy had to be fulfilled. If you hadn’t done it someone else would have. Judas, we were friends for a long time. You know I’m not vindictive.”
Judas knelt, “I’m sorry, father.” He wept.
“You’ve wandered the Earth long enough. You’ve paid for your sin and I think you’ve learned. There is no sin that can’t be forgiven. Put your hand in my hand.
Judas put his hand and his life back in the hands of his Savior for the first time in two thousand years. The heavens opened and devoured the two men.
Years later, a nun who worked with young women post abortion sat on her bed in a convent in New York. She remembered the day when a man she had known her whole life, yet barely knew told her she would find real love. She wondered when. A familiar voice called out, “You already have.”