The Meaning of a Decorative Towel

“I see toothpaste on this towel, Ben,” said my mom.

She doesn’t want me to use the towel in the bathroom to wipe my mouth after I brush my teeth. I don’t think it is that big of a deal. I tell her that it is just a towel.

“It’s a decorative towel,” my mom snarled.

She snarls sometimes. It’s nasty when it happens. She wants me to use another towel, because the decorative towel that she placed on the wall next to the sink is only to impress guests. According to her, it makes visitors feel like they are in a welcoming atmosphere when they use the restroom. I can’t disagree more. I compiled a survey recently when my parents had people over our house for a small party. I stood outside the bathroom while each guest occupied the bathroom.

“Did you like the towel?” I would ask as soon as they opened the door.

Out of six different people, I got a total of only one person that noticed the towel. Four of the six people didn’t have any idea what I was talking about, and one of the six people got frightened, shut the door and went back in the bathroom.

I think that my mom’s strategy could backfire. If I was a guest and I saw a towel with that kind of class, I might feel uncomfortable. For crying out loud, this towel is immaculate. This towel is entrenched in pure and unadulterated class. It has cute little birds sewn onto the bottom of towel. Cute little birds, man. Cute. Little. Birds. It will touch your heart, whether you are sitting or hovering.

It surprised me that my mom liked this towel with the cartoon birds on the bottom of it, because she hates animals. I see the way she looks at my dog sometimes. I sense hate. I first realized this when my parents and I were taking photos with each other just for fun. We were just goofing around, and everyone was laughing. My mom took a goofy picture with my Dad and I. Everything was going great.

Then my dad said, “Hey, I have a great idea! How about we take a picture with the dog?” and he was laughing.

And I said, “Yeah, that’s a fantastic idea Dad!” and I was laughing.

We were all laughing. Then I looked over at my mom, and I saw a look in her eye that I will never forget. Her eyebrows lowered and her eyes morphed into evil. I was scared but also happy. Because I finally realized why our cat went missing many years ago. Cats don’t just run away. Especially when you spoil them and meet their every need.

My cat had it made. He was free to roam his entire cage. That cage was almost two sizes bigger than a shoe box. That is the definition of freedom. He even had two places where he could sleep in the cage; the Eastern sector of the cage and the Northern sector of the cage. South and West were occupied by cat food and feces.

Anyways, my point is…there is an old saying that I used to always tell one of my girlfriends whenever she wore makeup.

“You can’t polish a turd,” I’d tell her.

I think the same idea applies to evil. Because one day, when you think you have concealed your evil well enough, it will come out of you without your control. This is why I worry about my mom. Also, she has been trying to start arguments with me lately. I think it’s just part of being unemployed. When you are unemployed, you will butt heads with your mom. It’s probably fairly common. I try to tell her I don’t want to argue anymore, but she keeps coming at me. She is always coming up with new arguments. She is so good at it.

Like, “Ben, you smell like ass.”

I don’t have any form of rebuttal for that. I draw a blank each time.

Another one is, “Ben, you smell like old tuna.”

I want to defend myself from this accusation, but I mean, what can I say? I smell like old tuna. It’s part of the reason that I’m unemployed. I’ve always been a proponent of natural body scent. I try not to wear too much deodorant, and I don’t ever wear cologne, because I feel that my natural scent is what is most beautiful. I’m not one to brag or anything, but I think by allowing my natural scent to completely take over my body is what helps me most with the ladies. I was on a date, and the girl and I were in my car.

I was dropping her off, and before she got out, she said “You smell good, what is that smell?”

And I said, “Do you really want to know?”

Then she giggled and said “Yeah”

and I said “It’s called Absolute Me…by Ben Palmer…baby”

Then her pupils dilated and we made out in a fierce manner. But this was before the tuna days, so it’s one of those remission type of scents. I hope that I will be able to get it back. Otherwise, between the decorative towel and me, our guests might get uncomfortable.