Delusions of Grandeur - Chapters 3 & 4

Chapter 3 -

“Hey, Lya, coming to Heady Bean with us?” 

Briefly, I looked up at Alyssa, “yeah, yeah, just give me a sec,” I mumbled around the pencil in my mouth while my fingers flew across the keyboard of my laptop.  “Just gotta finish this last reference.”

This was it; my last paper of my last class of my last semester in school.  I had to present it on Monday, but that was cake.  I hit the print button, unplugged my laptop and put everything, except an empty binder, into my bag.  Alyssa was a step ahead of me, already slipping the pages of her paper into her binder.  I hopped up to sit on the table where my laptop had been moments before and faced her. 

Her long blonde hair was pulled haphazardly into a bun secured with her pencil.  She had rich brown eyes that were currently squinted as she tried to line up the holes of the paper to those of the binder.  Not always an easy task after hours focused on a computer screen, not to mention, it looked as though she’d forgotten her glasses again.  I shoved mine on top of my head as I jumped down to retrieve my work when the printer beeped its completion.

Alyssa raised an eyebrow as she watched me take a seat next to her.  “How many pages?”

“With all of the references, notes and maps included?  One hundred, seventeen, double spaced, Times New Roman font - at size ten - pages.”  I bit my lip as she laughed.

“Jesus!  Are you trying to make us look bad?”

I stuck my tongue out at her, “just wait for my presentation!”

None of that mattered much.  There was very little comparison as I was the only Geography student in the Senior Thesis class presenting on a scientific environmental topic.  Most of the fifteen students were working on something related to urban geography or human geography.  It was all pretty similar – why is x where it is, should x be there and what impact does x have on its surroundings.  In urban and human geography, x stood for people, roads, businesses, cultures and other land use patterns.  While for me, x stood for Burr Oak trees near a new subdivision.  My research was almost in a different language.  I couldn’t interview trees or get old pictures and newspaper articles.  I had to infer data from coring trees and compare it to habitats that hadn’t been encroached upon by new homes.

I shook my head; this research had become my life for the past four months.  I worked tirelessly and after I turned in my initial paper with my research plans and expectations, I was assigned two students who were interested in the program.  I worked them just as tirelessly and, fortunately for us all, they had enjoyed it.  If all went well, I would pass with flying colors and the three of us would have a published paper in a well known science journal.
Alyssa and I walked to the end of the hallway and handed our binders to the chair of the department.  My guess is that most department chairs aren’t hanging out in their office waiting for the seniors to hand in a paper, even if it is the final, but ours was just like that.  He was gruff and intimidating, but if we were going to be handing in something that signified the culmination of our stay within his program than, damn it, it would go from our hands to his.

“Coffee.”  Alyssa tucked her arm into mine and we made our way out of the building.  I was glad she was with me.  It wasn’t late, but I hated walking out to the parking lot alone.  It had been six months since that night and I had never told anyone. 

Try as I might, I couldn’t stop thinking about it either.  Not those two guys, though, they crossed my mind when I was forced to walk to my car alone, but I thought more about him.  Him.  I wanted to stop wondering what had happened.  I half believed I’d made the whole thing up; that it was some crazy vivid dream that just felt real.  But, it was hard to convince myself after hearing a conversation five months ago.  It was finals week and I was studying in one of the cubbyholes between classes.  Voices drifted and I heard the two guys talking.  They were transferring out to another school.  They believed it.  And, not only did they believe what happened that night, they also believed that he was still stalking them.

So, I couldn’t deny it.  I’d come to terms with that long ago, but what still bothered me was his reaction.  Those jerks might have seen him again, but I sure hadn’t.  Of course, I didn’t want to either.

I wished I could blame my thoughts on going back to that coffeehouse with Alyssa.  But, that would be a lie and I’d vowed, six months ago, to stop lying to myself.  It was strange though.  I gasped as my eyes, without my permission, sought out that same booth.  It was occupied by a man.  I could only see his dark hair and guess at his height as his back was to me.  The waitress led us passed him and I couldn’t stifle the shudder that racked my body as we neared that booth. 

It wasn’t him.  Not even close.

I rubbed my hand over my eyes and through my hair causing my forgotten glasses to fall to the floor.  I turned to pick them up, positive that my face was red, and caught a glimpse.  He was at the door.  And then he was gone.

Heedless of Alyssa’s concern, I raced for the door, but there was no one there.  I pushed it open and started out to the street, looking right and then left
before repeating it ten times.  No one. 

“Lya, are you okay?”

“I,” my brow furrowed, “it’s nothing, I just thought I saw someone I knew.  You said something about coffee?”

She looked at me for a moment and then shrugged, “yes, coffee, definitely.”

We sat for hours, just talking.  Alyssa recently started dating a new guy and that took up two hours by itself.  I hadn’t been out in a while with all of my spare time taken up with research.  I tried to put this latest “wolf” episode out of my head.  It wasn’t easy, but as the coffee disappeared, I was able to just settle in to normality.

It wasn’t my intention, but it was late when we left Heady Bean.  I walked to my car waiting for someone to jump out at me or at least a howling in the distance.  Neither happened and I walked into my dark apartment without incident.  Brian wasn’t home, there was a baseball game on or something and he was out with friends.  I had noticed over the last several months that we just sort of did our own thing and happened to share a bed.  He didn’t even invite me to work functions and I’d stopped asking him to come to school get-togethers a year ago.  This wasn’t the first time I’d wondered why on earth we got married.  Actually, I couldn’t figure out why we’d even started dating. 

I’d made a huge mistake; that was for sure. 

The problem was that I had no idea what I could do about it.  I’d tried to bring our lives together.  I’d even skipped classes one day to drive the hour to his office to surprise him for lunch.  Surprise him I did; have lunch we did not.  Without even acknowledging what I’d done, he’d pecked me on the cheek and apologized that he didn’t have time to take lunch.  So, dejectedly I’d made the drive home.  I’d started to finally lose hope that there was anything left to salvage in our marriage.

Still, knowing that didn’t give me any ideas, in fact, if I hadn’t had my research I would surely have sunk into a depression.  That thought hit me like a sucker punch to the gut and I sat down on the couch without turning the light on.  I didn’t have my research anymore.

I fell asleep like that; long enough that when I woke up, Brian had already come home and was asleep.  At one time it may have surprised me or hurt that he didn’t wake me up, but now it was expected.  I was glad that he didn’t wake me because there was nothing to say. 

Standing up, I stretched my arms and legs, wandering aimlessly around the small apartment.  I pulled the curtain aside and stared up at the full moon.  My sister, Sasha, had always had a love of nighttime and standing under the moon.  I’d never really understood her, but at this moment, the solitude of that glowing orb looking down over the dark night seemed so beautiful. 

Obeying the urge, I grabbed my cell phone and left the apartment.  There was a courtyard out the front door of the building and I was shocked at how pretty it was in the moonlight.  There was the hint of a shiver along my spine, but I pushed it aside.  I couldn’t retain this fear of the night forever.  There was a small bench in the center of a stone pathway that beckoned me.  Walking over the artistically uneven stones, I watched the light sway of the flowers.  This courtyard didn’t look quite so quaint in the daylight, so I soaked it in. 

It was easier than I’d thought it would be to be outside in the dark.  I had rarely even walked out to my car after dark.  At first I was nervous, but my mind was calming and my body was following suit.  My heart rate was slowing and the goose bumps had faded.

Was it really too much to ask for someone to just tell me what to do?  I didn’t ask for much and I would never delude myself in thinking that there was a fairytale life out there for anyone, much less me.  I didn’t want the world; I just wanted to feel alive; to be happy.  I didn’t need Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet.  In fact, I was pretty sure that I didn’t want him to do anything to me.  I was figuring out, too late, that not only did I not need a man to make me happy; I didn’t want one to make me happy.  The problem was that I didn’t know how to be happy because there was a man in my life.

I stared up at the sky for a long while watching the stars twinkle, surprised at how faint they were with the brightness of the full moon.  People talked frequently about the beauty of the sunset.  However, I had never heard someone even mention watching the moon set.  Watching the glowing sphere slowly disappear should’ve made her feel sad, but it didn’t.  It moved across the sky alone and disappeared alone.  It might come back each night alone, but it would come back.  That thought gave me hope.

It took some time for the sky to begin to lighten.  The brief time without the moon or the sun left the stars free to shine brightly.  Maybe this was another moment to learn from.  My light might be dull now, overshadowed by this farce of a marriage, but if the day ever came where I would be allowed to step away, to be left on my own, then I’d shine once again.

Those diamonds in the sky became fainter as the sky lightened in the distance.  Please don’t let this be another omen, I said to myself.  I chuckled.  I was seeing signs in just about anything at the moment.  The sky – light, dark, or otherwise – had nothing to do with my life and where it was, or wasn’t, going.  I was tired and if I hurried, I could make it into bed before Brian was up.  It was Saturday but if I remembered right, he was going fishing for a few days with some friends.  I’d much rather a note to say ‘see ya’ then an awkward few moments in the kitchen.

Chapter 4 -

I spent the weekend alone.  I ordered in Chinese food; enough to last me both nights.  I promised myself that I’d run through my presentation a few times and make sure that everything was in order for Monday.  Other than that, I dedicated the time to figuring things out.  For some reason I suddenly felt anxious to have direction by the time Brian returned home.  It had become a panic attack and I sat on my couch shaking. 

I had to do something, but I didn’t know what the answer was.  Not yet.  The hours were moving swiftly to what now felt like judgment day. 

I wanted so much to just climb back in bed and sleep the weekend away.  But, more than that, I wanted to get into my car and just drive.  Drive, with the same lack of direction I felt for my life, wander aimlessly as long as it was far from here.

Unable to sit still, I paced the small living room from patio door through the galley kitchen.  I reached the pantry and pushed the cans around.  I turned each around, labels facing out.  Then, I rearranged them so that the vegetables and fruits were separated.  Unhappy with that, I pulled all the cans from the shelves.  Then, I removed the rest of the pantries contents; baking ingredients, a bottle of ketchup, a few boxes of hamburger helper, potatoes, garbage bags and cleaning supplies.  I grabbed a bottle of all-purpose cleaner and sprayed the shelves before scrubbing them with a wad of paper towels. 

A trickle of sweat slid down my spine as I worked.  It seemed like it was only moments later that the sprayer stopped resisting the squeeze of my finger.  The cleaning solution was no longer streaming out, but something was still dripping onto the shelves.  With slight surprise, I realized I was crying and quickly wiped my eyes. 

I started at the top, lining up the canned vegetables.  First I grouped the same vegetables together, then the fruits in the same way.  I rearranged them, following the ‘boy-girl-boy-girl’ theory and grabbed first a can of peaches, then a can of peas, a can of pineapple chunks and a can of mushrooms.  Next I tried to sort them by color, carrots and peaches next together.  I grabbed a step stool and stacked every can of tomatoes on top of each other, then stacked every can of mixed vegetable.

The outside door stuck a little as I dragged the two garbage bags out to the dumpster.  I thanked whoever was listening that I didn’t have to drag them far.  The plastic was no match for the friction between the steel cans and the cement.  Hoisting the bags into the dumpster was no easy feat, however, I somehow managed.  With that finished, I returned to the empty pantry.  The cans were gone, but there was still so much.  So much that I didn’t want to look at anymore.  The scream tore through me as I grabbed the bag of flour and threw it against the wall.

An hour later I stepped into the shower, flour drifting down until caught by the water.  I stood for a long time with the water flowing over me.  I needed cleansing and I knew it, and not just from a flour bath.  After a while I sat down in the tub and cried.  I cried for my marriage; I cried for the children I thought I’d have had; I cried for myself.

During my crying jag, I came to a realization.  I had become a victim.  Not of abuse or some assailant, but a victim of my circumstances.  I had always been a strong woman, though it was hard to imagine that woman anymore.

I had wanted marriage and a family so badly that I had focused more on that outcome than on the actual relationship.  I knew that many my age weren’t interested in those things, but I was.  To get those things, I’d ignored who I was and the other things I’d wanted out of life.  To be fair to Brian, I suppose he loved me as much as I loved him.  Unfortunately, he seemed to be okay with that.  I wasn’t anymore because if I was being honest, I didn’t love him and I could no longer figure out if I had ever loved him.

Toweling off, I stared into the mirror.  It was a shock to see my eyes so dead, why I had never noticed that before I couldn’t say.  I knew, though, that this condition wasn’t new.  I was just finally seeing myself.

The ringing of my phone broke me from my thoughts.  Looking at the caller ID I sighed.  It was Brian.

“Hello?”

“Hey, we’re on our way back.  Did you make dinner?” His voice sounded foreign to me now and I struggled to answer him.

“Dinner?  No, what time is it?”

“Are you kidding me?”  He chuckled and it grated on my nerves.  “Well, why don’t we go out?”

“No, Brian.”

“Oh,” there was a pause.  I was sure that he hadn’t expected me to say anything but yes.  “Well, should I pick something up then?”

I thought for a minute and was surprised when things suddenly became completely clear.  “You can if you want.  Brian,” I took a deep breath, “I’m leaving.  I’ll be at my parents.”

“Alright, what time will you be home?”

“No, Brian.  I am leaving.  I’m moving out.”

“What?  What’s going on, Lya?” Detachedly I realized that he didn’t sound quite devastated; more like he was exasperated.

“Nothing.  Nothing has been going on for a while.  I just can’t live like this anymore.  I’m sorry.”

He laughed.  He actually laughed.  The tears that had started to pool in my eyes quickly dried up.  “You’re sorry?  Sorry for telling me, out of the blue, that you are leaving me?  You should be sorry, Lya.”

Brian was right in a way.  I never talked to him about this or how I’d been feeling.  He’d never been interested before, so I didn’t put myself in that position again.  And then his words replayed in my head and it was me that laughed.

“You aren’t upset that I’m leaving, just that you weren’t prepared for it?” 

“Exactly,” he answered quickly and then back peddled, “wait, no, I’m upset you’re leaving.”

It was too late.  “I’ll take what I want out of the apartment.  You can keep anything else, except the guest bedroom, I’ll come back for that.”  I took another deep breath, “goodbye Brian.”

The phone felt heavy in my hand, however, I felt light.  I couldn’t believe I’d done it.  I was still standing in a towel and now I had to pack.  And call my parents.  I dreaded that more than I’d have dreaded telling Brian had I thought about it beforehand.

I pressed the buttons and waited for a moment.  “Mom?  Can I come home?”

I explained it all to her.  She put me on hold once; I’d assumed something for work.  Ten minutes later there was a knock at the door.  I checked the peephole and burst into tears.  I let my dad in and he pulled me into a tight bear hug.  It was all the assurance I needed.  I hung up with my mom and helped my dad with the boxes.

“How’d you get here with boxes so fast, dad?”

He nudged my shoulder and gave me a little smile, “I had them ready.”  At my shocked expression he laughed.  “The biology department is moving down a floor.  The boxes were for my office, but I can get more.”  He taught at the University of Minnesota, U of M or just the U to those of us living in the Twin Cities.  Brian and I married during the winter break of my sophomore year and two weeks later I sat in my dad’s lecture for Intro to Biology.  He taught the genetics classes, so that was the only class I had to take with him despite the heavy biology in my degree.

I pointed him in the direction of the guest bedroom and told him to, “pack away”.  I didn’t know when Brian was going to show up, so I was a little relieved that I wasn’t alone.  I still packed as though the hounds of hell were on my tail.  Before long, we were stacking the few boxes along with my suitcases onto the rolling dolly my extremely thoughtful dad had also brought along.  As we walked to the door, he looked into the kitchen and saw the empty pantry.  I shrugged and he laughed.

“Ya know kitten, I’m glad you’re coming home; for a lot of reasons.”  He looked around as we left the building. 

“What do you mean?”  I knew there was something making him uneasy.

He smiled and shook his head, “It’s probably nothing.  I just noticed this guy standing at the doorway here when I drove past this morning.  I saw him again when I pulled into the parking lot, but he was gone when I got to the courtyard.”

A shiver ran down my spine.  “What did he look like?”

“It was from far away honey, but he looked like a pretty big guy.  Not big,” he held his arms out wide, “but big,” this time he held one arm higher than his head.  Which said a lot – my dad was 6’4”.  “He looked like he had dark hair.”  He returned to pulling the dolly along and looked at me out of the corner of his eye, “do you know why someone would be standing out there?”

Rolling my eyes, I hoisted the strap of one of my bags higher up on my shoulder, “dad, don’t be crazy.  No clue why someone would be out there just thought it might be one of the neighbors.”

I mean, it was true, wasn’t it?  It couldn’t be him.  Why would it be him?

There was an itch at the middle of my spine.  The kind that made you feel like someone was behind you.  I couldn’t help but give in to the urge and I turned around.  I rolled my eyes again, this time at myself and resumed lugging my things to my car.  This time the hair on the back of my neck stood straight up as I heard a howl rip through the sunny Minnesotan afternoon.