The beginnings of the book I hope to write. I
I must be out of my mind. I have never stopped wanting him. Needing him. He makes my heart & body ache. Is it even practical or is it too late? Should I stay away? I don't want to--its a compulsion, a force pulling me. It's compelling and directing. Not able to resist it. I want him to hold me again. Kiss me...again. To feel the ground move and shake underneath me, again. I lost my breath when with him, never my footing. Something kept me steady-despite. I was in love-madly & deeply, all for nothing. I thought it was all in my head. I had to tell myself that because you weren't here where I wanted you--with me. That's the only thing that made sense-otherwise you'd be here, right? It didn't stop me from wanting or needing you. These feelings just lived as if to have no home. I was alone. Abandoned like an empty house.
You moved swiftly. I watched you, calmly. I enjoyed the simplicity of your movements, actions or words. It made me want to stand, still (and so I did). Your presence consumed me. My body paralyzed with emotion. I often gasped for air as my heart raced thunderously. I couldn't explain it. I wanted it to go away, to leave me alone. I didn't know what to do with this emotion. It scared me and lingered beneath the surface. Something gave me the courage. Breathe, was the next thing. I had remind myself of this often because sometimes it was labored. I didn't know it but I was in love. All the signs were there but I was too dumb-too afraid to admit it. Instead, I ran. I fled from the very thing that made me feel alive. I was too scared to claim it, for would it recognize me? It was a heart attack waiting to happen. Never before, never again was it the same.
It lived for no good reason and I couldn't chase it away. It was like the sun, wind or blue sky. They all just existed we never asked why. As far as I was concerned, it didn't needed to be explained. Despite the power of what I was feeling it went unnoticed, unacknowledged. Both of us, uncomfortable and self critical in our own skin. How could we expose ourselves or emotions to someone who may not reciprocate. It would hurt like falling from a building with potential devastating results. My feelings, unacknowledged, never left me. I could not escape my heart's yearning. Instead it haunted me. I knew the pain, the loss and the remembrance. If only he'd turn back to recognize me. Twenty years later, I still could not replace it or repair my broken heart.