Danny ((still under construction))

Danny

They had the life they’d always dreamed of. Jeni was seven, adopted now for two years, and life seemed to be everything they thought it should be. They adored her and doted on her, a little too much probably, but she was their dream child. John and Denise proudly displayed her pictures all over the house, and talked to everyone about her as if she were the only child in the world, and as if everyone was dying to hear every detail of her life.

Life took a strange twist, though. Denise, who loved caring for babies, had been providing respite care for babies in foster care for a few months, when one day they agreed to take in a three-year-old boy. They didn’t usually take in older children because Jeni was in school, and they wanted to devote as much time as possible to her during the crucial early school years.

This little boy, Danny, needed an emergency placement, though, and they could not refuse. Denise noticed right away that there was something strangely different about him. He was very aggressive and seemed to have no memory of, or concern about, seeing his mother. They chalked it up to being in foster care, and tried to care for him as best they could.

They loved his big brown eyes and olive-colored skin. They adored him, in spite of his difficult behavior, and when they realized that Danny’s future didn’t look very promising, they simply couldn’t let him go back into the “system” where he would likely be bounced from foster home to foster home and end up in a group home or maybe juvenile detention. Even when they discovered that his mother had been using drugs excessively during her pregnancy, they felt even more obligated to help him. They believed their loving home would heal all the damage that was the root of his problems.

They adopted him and loved him all the more. His behavior worsened, though, and they did everything they knew to help him. They went to a therapist; they tried this behavior program, then another. Nothing seemed to help. He was diagnosed early on with ADHD (Attention Deficit with Hyperactivity Disorder) and was treated for that. That helped only a little. After eight years of struggling and dealing with chaos and turbulence on a daily basis, they finally found a therapist who knew what Danny’s problem was and was willing to help him.

It turned out that he had Attachment Disorder along with Bipolar Disorder. Attachment Disorder is a result of severe neglect and abuse of a child from infancy through age three. It can also be caused by inutero exposure to drugs. It’s a parent’s worst nightmare. In its most serious form it produces serial killers and psychopaths. However, it does not always manifest itself to this degree. In Danny’s case, John and Denise have great hope that he will be able to live a relatively normal life if they continue to see his current therapist, and if they persist in working with a qualified psychiatrist to determine what medications seem to benefit him the most.

That is the biggest challenge, other than managing his behavior. It’s all trial and error, and they have to try one medication to see if it works, then try something else. Even if one works for a while, it may not always work.

Life with Danny has given them many experiences they never anticipated having. For instance, once they were awakened at 2:00 a.m. by the police bringing an 11-year-old Danny home from a department store where he had stolen several items. It was not his first attempt to steal. His father had once taken him to a police station to have them talk to him about how serious a crime it is.

He has threatened Denise’s life many times, throwing objects at her and pulling a knife on her. He was arrested at age 11 for domestic violence and given probation at Denise’s request. He once gave her a beauty of a black eye, and another time he hit Jeni with a baseball bat. Fortunately, it was made of cork and only left her a little bruised on her side. He has been hospitalized in a mental facility three times to help him get his medication changed or adjusted.

Despite all of this, there really is hope now that they finally found the right therapist. They are watching him grow and improve slowly as time passes. The therapist assures them that he has a promising future, and that is what keeps them going. It is a battle for them as well as for their daughter, who is now sixteen.

During all the turmoil, their faith has been tested, but they remain sure that it was God’s will for Danny to become part of their family. They shudder at the thought of what would have become of him had they not intervened. They pray constantly for God to give them the strength and wisdom to do whatever it takes to help him have a chance at life. They believe they will see the day when he is living a normal, productive life. That is their hope and prayer.

Pat Nelson
August 12, 2009

This is autobiographical. The names have been changed, but the facts are real. If you need to learn more about Attachment Disorder please see http://ATTACh.org

EDITORIAL: If you are considering adoption, be sure to know the facts first! Rarely is adoption the fantasy that most people think it is. Most of the time you are dealing with hurt, damaged children, and a loving home is NOT enough to heal the damage that has been done. Be sure you are prepared for whatever lies ahead. It will almost certainly be quite different from the image you have in mind. They need your love, but they also need therapy to help the wounds heal. No child goes through adoption without some degree of damage. Please trust me when I say that all adopted children will need some degree of therapy at some point in their lives. They have been "abandoned", and it hurts. That is the best case scenario. That doesn't even take into consideration any abuse or drug use that might have occurred.


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