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coming of age comedy |
| continued untitled screenplay fade in- EXT-EARLY MORNING- OPEN ROAD front view- back on the open highway. Drew driving, both looking straight ahead, purposley making no eye contact with each other. orange and red glow from the sun covering most of the dessert plain. DREW " NOTHING HAPPENED !! (PAUSE) NOTHING HAPPENED RIGHT? " JACK " NO (PAUSE) NO NOTHING HAPPENED." DREW " OK, JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE. " JACK " YEPPERS, NO WAY JOSE ( PONDERING) NOTHING HAPPENED. " DREW " OK, JUST THAT I GOT THE CHILLY WILLIES WHEN YOU ROLLED OVER ON MY SIDE OF THE BED, THATS ALL. " JACK " UM, YEA, SORRY ABOUT THAT. DIDNT MEAN TO HIT YOU WITH MY MORNING WOOD. " DREW " TWICE, BUT NO WORRIES. FORGET ABOUT IT. " angle to- drew turns the radio on to subdue the awkwardness in the car. first song played is diana ross "im comming out " drew and jack give a quick glance to each other. station quickly changed to villiage people " macho, macho man " again quickly changed to, abba " dancing queen " both stunned and frozen. drew again switches the station this time to "lady " by styx. both glance at each other again, drew not sure whether to change the channel. cut to- both Drew and Jack singing. DREW AND JACK " LADY TURNS ME ON WHEN IM LONELY GIVE ME ALL YOUR CHARM EVENINGS, WHEN SHE LAYS DOWN BESIDE ME SHE TAKES ME GENTLY INTO HER ARMS cut to- Drew and Jack more into the song now. belting it out more agressivly. DREW AND JACK " LADY OF THE MORNING LOVE SHINES IN YOUR EYES SPARKLING CLEAR AND LOVELY YOUR MY LADY " cut to- drew driving with Jack sleeping in the passenger seat. cut to- Jack driving with drew sleeping in the passenger seat. two hitchhikers seen afar. as the car gets closer. Jack takes an interest. pulls over. Drew wakes up sleepy eye and all. beutiful asian and indian girl stick thier head thru the window. HITCHHIKER 1 " MIND IF WE TAG ALONG " DREW " WHERE YOU GUYS HEADING ? " HITCHHIKER 2 " CALIFORNIA " JACK " HOP IN, THIS IS YOUR LUCK DAY " DREW (WHISPERS) " I DONT KNOW ABOUT THIS. " JACK " TWO HOTTIES, WHATS NOT TO KNOW " angle to- drew gets out to lift the seat. girls hop into the cramped back seats with thier duffel bags intow. asian girl puts her hand out. HARRIET " HI, IM HARRIET AND THIS IS KARMA. " JACK " NICE TO MEET YOUR AQUANTIANCE, LADIES, JACK, AND DREW. " side view- cruising down the highway, the girls are quietly gossiping. the guys are trying to act cool and non-chalant. HARRIET " DO YOU GUYS MIND IF WE SMOKE? " DREW " SURE, LET ME ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS FOR YA. " HARRIET " ITS BETTER IF YOU LEAVE THEM UP. MUCH BETTER EFFECT. " DREW (CONFUSED) " ALRIGHTY " angle to- Harriet pulls out this enormous bong from her bag and a bag of weed. bong about a three footer shaped as a huge penis. drew and jack notice. jack smiles and drew is a little baffled. cut to- the foursome taking turns hitting the bong. Drew the amature out of the bunch cough and weezes. (cyprus hill hits from the bong plays in the back ground) JACK " DAMN, THIS IS GOOD SHIT. " HARRIET " ITS THE SHIT YOU JUST CANT FUCK WITH, ALABAMA SLAMMA. KARMA " THIS HYDRO'S POTENT, WE LACED IT WITH LIQUID ACID TOO. " HARRIET " DREW, SUCK ON THIS " angle to- Drew wrapping his mouth around the penis bong- open wide DREW( COUGH) " MOMMY , IM TO OLD TO BREAST FEED, (PAUSE) NO MOMMY NO, I DONT WANT TO SUCKLE ON YOUR THIRD NIPPLE. " JACK " DUDE, YOUR TRIPPING BALLS. " HARRIET AND KARMA " HAHA, HAHA, HAHA " cut to- drew staring out the front windshield, eyes totally blood shot. Jack smirks looking at Drew then suddenly trembles and feels the effect himself. ( DREAM SEQUENCE) thru jacks eye's (ANIMATION) scenery of the drive. jack looks to the left and see's an enchanted forrest, a bluebird fly right next to the window, stops for a moment and fly's by. a fox sticks his head out of the bushes. Jack turns his head straight ahead to see a deer in the middle of the road, resembling bambi. slams on his breaks. stares at bambi. bambi stares back. BAMBI " HEY CHEECH, WATCH WHERE THE FUCK YOUR GOING, YOU ALMOST RAN ME OVER YOU STONED BASTARD. " angle to- switches from animation to reality with deer scampering from the road to the forrest. (DREAM SEQUENCE END) DREW " YOU OK ? " JACK " YEA, I'M GOOD " HARRIET AND KARMA " LIGHT WEIGHTS " cut to- bird eye view- car cruising, rear window open, arm sticking out waving with the flow of the wind. foghat "slow ride" playing as they travel and into california. passing a white castle on the way. cut to- can barely make out anyone in the car with the thick smoke. a siren can be heard. cop car pulls up along the driver side. COP ( LOUD SPEAKER ) " PULL OVER " DREW " FUCK , WERE GOING TO JAIL " JACK " CHILL OUT, LET ME HANDLE IT " angle to- Jack pulls over, rolls down the window has two police officers approach, one from each side. the girls are giggling. COP 1 " LICENCE AND REGISTRATION PLEASE " JACK " WAS I SPEEDING OFFICER ? " COP 2 " JUST THE OPPOSITE, YOU WERE GOING 15 MPH IN A 65 " COP 1 " I SEE YOUV'E BEEN SMOKING A LITTLE BIT OF THE DEVILS GARDEN " angle to- Drew coughs out a huge ball of smoke from holding it in to long, blowing it in the cops face. cop with a dead expression on his face. waits the minute it takes for drew to re-gain his composure again. DREW " JUST A TAD " COP 1 " OUT OF THE CAR YOU TWO. " front view- Drew gets panicky. Drew and Jack get out of the car. while one of the cops searches the vehicle. DREW (CRYING ) " PLEASE OFFICER, I CANT GO TO JAIL. ILL NEVER SURVIVE. IM A SKINNY WHITE KID WITH IRRITABLE BOWL SYNDROME AND A TERRIBLE CASE OF HEMROIDS. CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THE PAIN IN MY ANUS WILL BE LIKE IF I BECOME SOMEONES BITCH. PLEASE, PLEASE, OFFICER IM ON MY KNEES BEGGING YOU, GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE. cut to- Drew bawling like a little baby. officer still with a blank expression, looks at his partner, nods and looks back at drew and Jack. rips off a piece of paper and hands it to Jack. COP 1 " GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. YOUR IN CALIFORNIA NOW. HERE, PAY THIS FIFTY DOLLAR TICKET AND YOU'LL BE FINE. angle to- Drew now a little embarrassed he over reacted. wiping the tears away. DREW " THANK YOU, THANK YOU OFFICER. " COP 2 " HEY BILL, I FOUND IT. OH SNAP AND ITS ALABAMA SLAMMA TOO. COP 1 " SWEET. BOYS WILL BE TAKING THE (CLEARS THE THROAT) UM EVIDENCE WITH US. " COP 2 " LADIES, WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US. WE CAN GIVE YOU LIFT. " HARRIET ( GIGGLES) " SURE, I LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM " cut to- harriet and karma get out of the nova and into the police cruiser. COP 1 " OK BOYS, DRIVE SAFELY NOW. " angle to- Drew and jack in he car staring out the front windshield. both sorta of stunned. DREW " PHEW, THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE " JACK " FUCK THAT, THEY STOLE ARE HOTTIES, AND TOOK THE DRUGS. " angle to - police cruiser drives past them with huge amount of thick smoke coming out of the windows. harriet waving to Jack and drew wearing the officers hat and sunglasses. Drew and Jack peels off to. cut to- Driving into the heart of LA. down rodeo drive. the nova sticks out big time. Stares from the natives. theme song from sanford and son playing. DREW " WE MADE IT, FINALLY. " JACK " YUP, WERE GOING TO FIT IN JUST PERFECTLY DOWN HERE. " DREW " I THINK STAN MCGEE'S OFFICE IS RIGHT AROUND THIS CORNER " cut to- california style building, bright yellow, one story attached to a strip mall. INT- LA- STAN'S OFFICE angle- place is empty except for one receptionist. RECEPTIONIST " YOU MUST BE THE MIAMI CLIENTS, YOUR A DAY LATE. GRAMPS IS WAITING FOR YOU BACK THERE. " rear shot- the guys walk back to stans office. stan looks to be in his seventies. partly balding hair with thin strands of gray. Jack cant stop staring at the big hole in stans neck. Stan half smiles and puts, what seems to be a wei console controller to his neck. STAN MCGEE " BOYS, GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT. " DREW " SORRY, MR MCGEE. THE ROAD TRIP TOOK A LITTLE LONGER THEN EXPECTED. STAN MCGEE ' THEY ALWAYS DO. AND PLEASE CALL ME GRAMPS. EVERYONE DOES. DREW " OKKAAYY, GRAMPS, WHAT DO WE DO NOW. WERE KIND OF NEW AT THIS. " angle to- jack still cant keep his eyes off gramps hole. stan starting to get annoyed by this. GRAMPS MCGEE " UM SON, YOUVE NEVER SEEN A TRACHESTOMY AND A VOICE BOX BEFORE? " JACK " GRAMPS, CAN YOU SING ROBOTO FOR ME. GRAMPS MCGEE " NOT AGAIN, (PAUSE) FINE (LYRICS TO STYX ROBOTO) I AM THE MODREN MAN, WHO HIDES BEHIND THE MASK SO NO ONE ELSE CAN SEE, MY TRUE IDENTITY DOMO ARIGATO, MR ROBOTO DOMO DOMO DOMO ARIGATO, MR ROBOTO JACK " COOL " GRAMPS MCGEE " HAPPY, NOW CAN WE MOVE ON ? " (PAUSE) HERE IS THE ADDRESSES FOR YOU COMMERCIAL SHOOTS, DONT BE LATE, YOU GUYS DONT HAVE A LOT OF LINES, SO IT SHOULD BE EASY MONEY. DREW YOUR DOING A DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL AND JABBA THE HUT OVER HERE IS DOING A KIDS CEREAL COMMERCIAL. DREW " AWSOME, HOW MUCH WE GETTING PAID ? GRAMPS MCGEE " 5K EACH FOR ABOUT THREE HOURS WORTH OF WORK. OH BY THE WAY, I GET TWENTY PERCENT. JACK " SOUNDS FAIR " DREW " MAN, I CANT REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I HAD THAT MUCH DOUGH. GRAMPS YOUR THE GREATEST, HOW CAN WE EVER THANK YOU ENOUGH. " GRAMPS MCGEE " WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, I NEED YOU ON CALL FOR SOMETHING PERSONAL AT TIMES. " DREW " SURE, OF COURSE. LIKE FOR WHAT ?" GRAMPS MCGEE " I HAVE THIS PHOBIA , WHEN I HAVE SEX. I NEED A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, OTHERWISE I CANT PERFORM. SO I NEED YOU TO CHEER ME ON WHEN THE TIME CALLS FOR IT. " angle to - (FLASHBACK) stan on top of a cute middle age woman. pumping and thrusting hard, missionary style. a group of about ten people all surrounding the bed. fist pumping, screaming, chanting and carrying on. CROWD " GRAMPS, GRAMPS, GRAMPS, GRAMPS. " GRAMPS MCGEE " AAHHHH OOOHHH. " CROWD ( CHEERS) " WOO HOOO, YEEAAAA angle to- (FLASHBACK ENDS)- Jack and drew still sitting across from gramps. JACK " IM THERE " DREW " SURE, WHAT EVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT " GRAMPS MCGEE " THANKS GUYS. WERE FINISHED HERE. GET SOME REST AND KICK SOME ASS TOMORROW. " EXT-EARLY NIGHT- SAN FERNANDO VALLEY cut to- suitcases in tow. the guys walk into a condo complex. square shaped design, with a swimming pool in the center. naked woman and men wondering around the complex and by the pool area. DREW " DAMN, NICE. LOOKS LIKE THE PLACE OUT OF THE T.V. SHOW MELROSE PLACE. " JACK " YUP, THE X- RATED VERSION. " angle to- jack and drew almost reaching the door to thier new pad. while walking they cant keep thier eyes off all the beutiful naked people. A completely naked guy approaches Jack and Drew. NAKED GUY " HEY GUYS, YOU JUST MOVING IN ? " angle to- while chatting with the guy. theyre eyes cant seem to move off his junk. JACK " YEA, MOVING INTO 202. MY UNCLES PLACE." NAKED GUY " YOUR RELATED TO THE HAMMER " JACK " YUP " NAKED GUY " MAN, WHAT A LEGEND. HE'S WHY I GOT INTO THE PORN BUISNESS IN THE FIRST PLACE. NAME'S BIG PETE. " JACK " JACK AND THIS IS DREW. angle to- Drew finally looks up from big pete's crotch. but also notices he has extremely small feet. DREW " I CAN SEE WHY THEY CALL YOU BIG PETE. JACK " PACKING SOME SERIOUS HEAT DOWN THERE. " DREW " SWEET JESUS THAT THING IS GOT TWO FACES. " BIG PETE I KNOW , BEEN BLESSED AND DONT BELIEVE THE SHOE SIZE MYTH EITHER. WERE GOING TO BE NEIHBORS. IM RIGHT NEXT DOOR. I'LL APOLIGIZE NOW IF IT GETS TO NOISY. WE DO ALOT OF OUR SHOOTS HERE. JACK " AWSOME, CAN WE COME OVER TO WATCH SOMETIMES. IF YOU NEED EXTRA'S WERE HERE FOR YA. BIG PETE " ANY RELATIVE OF THE HAMMER. IS ALWAYS WELCOMED WITH ME. OK GUYS GOTTA CATCH YOU LATER. GOT A DP TO DO AND THEN A MIDGET ORGY. JACK " DUDE, LET ME KNOW WHEN THAT COMES OUT ON DVD. " THE MIDGET THING THAT IS. " BIG PETE " K SEE YA " INT-NIGHT- CONDO cut to- the place is decorated like a sex dungeon, with two bedroom, kitchen and one bath. a professional dominatrix would be proud of this place. photo's of the legendary hammer scattered all along the pad. stripper poles, chains dangling everywhere. looks like a torture chair smack in the middle of the livingroom too. the two start to unpack. JACK " MY UNCLE HAD STYLE " (PAUSE) YOUR ROOMS OVER THERE. " DREW " IT IS A BITCHIN PLACE " SEEM'S LIKE A PLACE WE CAN GET LAID EASILY. " JACK " YOU THINK !!! " angle to- Drew takes a leak in the bathroom and notices a 3 to 4 inch hole in diameter on the side wall. with eyes and a nose and looks to be a circle painted around it like a face. DREW " HEY, JACK WHATS UP WITH THE FACE WITH THE HOLE IN IT. " angle to- Jack peers his head thru to check it out. JACK " OH THAT, THATS OLD SCHOOL. ITS A GLORY HOLE. " DREW " HMMM JACK ' I WOULDNT STICK YOUR JOHNSON IN THERE. AND BE CAREFUL OF OBJECTS COMING OUT TOO. UNLESS YOU LIKE GETTING DICK SLAPPED. WOULDN'T WANT BIG PETE TO KNOCK YOU OUT WITH HIS WILLY MAMOTH ON THE FIRST NIGHT. HEHE DREW " DOOLEY NOTED " cut to- the guys in thier jammies. Drew studying the script. Jack on the couch watching the tube. DREW " BIG DAY TOMMORROW, THINK IM GOING TO CALL IT A NITE. " JACK " RIGHT BEHIND YA, JUST GOING TO FINNISH THIS SKIN AMAX FLICK. " DREW " SHANNON TWEED " JACK " OF COURSE, WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE. " DREW " ENJOY, (PAUSE) NITE JACK " NITE " cut to- Drew in his bed, dark, except for a nightlite shaped as a vagina lighting up the room in a very dim pink shade. while trying to get comfortable laying on his side. stares at a poster of the hammer with a cape and a very small thong with both hands on his hips. Then all of a sudden you can hear music and chatter and a director say action. all coming from big pete's room next door. wizard of oz- munchkin land song (lyrics slightly altered ) MUNCHKINS 1 " WE THANK YOU VERY SWEETLY FOR DOING HER SO NEATLY MUNCHKIN 2 " YOU'VE FUCKED HER SO COMPLETLY THAT WE THANK YOU VERY SWEETLY " MUNCHKINS (CHORUS) " DING DONG THE HO IS GIVING HEAD " DING DONG THE HO IS GIVING HEAD " DING DONG THE HO IS GIVING HEAD " angle to- while listening to the midget orgy- Drew's right eyebrow raises. then shuts his eye's. sweet dreams. CONTINUED SCREENPLAY ON NEXT JUNKET |
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