The Lonely

Often in life, there are events that occur that transform the way we see the world around us. These events are so powerful and so humbling that we can’t help but accept whatever obscure truth that life wanted us to learn. I had the privilege to live through one such event. It was 1972 and I was a nurse staffed in the ICU at the New Liberty General Hospital. I was twenty six years old. It was also the year I met James Miller. The year I learned one of the hardest and most important lessons life had to offer. Those moments I spent tending to James were ones I’ll never forget. If he were here now, I think he would agree. I suppose that I should start from the beginning. Let’s see now…

I was on my daily walk to work on an early autumn morning. You know the kind, when the scent of the newly-colored leaves dances in the cool breeze. The few birds that weren’t migrating south chirped at the people walking below them, saying hello. The trees swayed peacefully in the cool breeze. I always loved trees. There was something about them; something that made me feel warm inside.

Maybe that’s why I moved to New Liberty. It was a small town, nestled in the heavily forested foothills of Andrea’s Peak. It was an absolute marvel to live in, the proverbial ‘diamond in the rough’. The people were always so friendly and talkative. It was a shining example of how small towns were more personable than big cities. There were many farms on the outskirts of town, growing all manner of delicious food. I particularly liked Henry Palmer’s farm. He grew apple trees, strawberry patches, you name it. He’d often let me sample the goods before they were sent to the local markets. He was such a good person, like most of the people who lived there. They sure didn’t behave like people do today, but that’s another story altogether.

Most people would say that New Liberty was ‘out in the middle of nowhere’. There was only one road leading in and out of town and it ran right through. The closest town was about sixty miles away, but that didn’t worry us much. It always had been a very calm place. An air of serenity could be felt there. Though there weren’t many people, and it didn’t offer much in the way of entertainment, that didn’t bother us too much. It was, as they say, ‘heaven on earth’.

It seems I let myself get carried away for a second. I apologize. Where were we? Ah, yes. The walk to work on a beautiful autumn morning. I always walked to and from work. Though I did own a vehicle, I preferred walking. I enjoyed taking in the lush scenery, seeing the friendly faces, and of course, walking is good for the body, as we all know. Besides, the hospital was only a good twenty minutes or so away from my home. In my mind, I was doing my soul a service.

New Liberty General. My home away from home. It was an old but well-maintained building. Vines of all sorts of different colors crept up on most of the walls, giving it that ‘haunted house’ look. In truth, it was anything but a haunted house. I liked to think of it as one of the main pillars that kept that town together. I walked up the hospital steps and made my way into the building. Sandra, the lady at the front desk, beckoned me over.

“Everything going well today, Miss Winters?” she asked with a smile.
“How many times am I going to have to ask you to call me Abby? There’s no need to be so formal with me, Sandra.” I returned her smile. “And I’m excellent. How about yourself? How are David and the baby?”
She laughed. “Oh, great. Things are just great. Of course it’s an adjustment, a big one, but we’re doing just fine.  We should arrange a lunch date and you can meet the little monster. I’m sure you’d love him.”
I smiled at her invitation. “That sounds wonderful, Sandra. I’ll look forward to that. Send David my regards. You have yourself a nice day now.”
“Thank you. Take care, Miss Winters.” she smiled slyly.
“It’s Abby. Abby!” I laughed as I made my way to the stairs, waving at her.

I entered the ICU and looked at the billboard. There wasn’t anything grave today. I was thankful for that. Though I loved my job, it hurt me to see people in such pain. Many people recovered from their traumas, and I’d say a silent prayer for the ones who didn’t. I always told myself and their families that they were off to a better place. I suppose that that was a defense mechanism of mine. A way of protecting myself against the tragedy of a slow death.

I made my way to my locker and put away my coat and my purse. I took a moment to look at myself in the mirror. Though I was twenty six, I could have easily passed as nineteen. I guess I have my mother to thank for that. She looked radiant well into her eighties. God bless her.
It took less than an hour to make my morning rounds because there were only two patients. A man in a coma and a young kid who was in bicycle accident. Poor guy, both of his legs broken. I was thankful, and still am, that I could walk. It’s the little things that count, right?

It was some time in the early afternoon when Dr. Clark came up to me with a puzzled look on his face. I was catching up on some paperwork that I fell behind in. He knocked on my desk. I looked up at him, smiling. I always found him attractive. He very well could have ended up working as a model. Why he decided to be a doctor was beyond me. Still, I didn’t complain.

“What can I do for you today, Jake?” I said, still smiling. He seemed to be reassured by my smile. The thought was comforting.
“Hey, Abby. We’re having a problem with a patient downstairs in room 119.” he said with that puzzled look still on his face.
“What’s the problem?” I asked, curious.
“Well, that’s the problem, we don’t know. He doesn’t seem to be showing any kind of trauma or injury, but his vitals are fading.”
I raised an eyebrow. “I know what you’re going to say. Yes, we did the tests for infections and cancer. Preliminary results show that he’s clean. Of course, we can’t be a hundred percent sure and we’ll need to wait a few days for the tests to come in, but all signs are pointing to no cancer or any identifiable source for his condition.”
“So, Jake, what you’re telling me is that this man is dying but that there isn’t a medical reason? How is that even possible?”
“Yes, Abby, that’s exactly what I’m telling you. We’re going to move him up here and we’ll keep him under observation for a few days. Would you mind if I assigned you to him?”
I thought about that for a moment. The situation made me very uneasy, but in the end, I accepted.
“Okay, Jake. I’ll see what I can do."

I’ll admit that I didn’t think much of him when I first saw him. He was around 6’3 and weighed about 110 pounds. It looked like he hadn’t eaten for weeks. I could clearly see his collar bones sticking out. His face was morose and his expression was solemn. He seemed to be lost in thought. He didn’t even turn to face me when I entered the room. I pulled out a chair and sat next to him. I was quiet for a few moments. The mood in the room was very gloomy, very bleak. I swallowed and took the clipboard from the end table next to the bed. James Miller, thirty seven years old. No kids, no wife, no known family members. No history of medical problems. I put the clipboard down and looked at him. A wave of sadness washed over me. I didn’t like it. I got up from the chair and made my way out of the room. As I reached the door, I heard a very faint voice call out. I didn’t hear what he said, so I went back to him.

“What? What did you say?”
“Caroline?” he whispered weakly.
“No, I’m nurse Abby Winters. We’re in the intensive care unit at the New Liberty General. You’ll be staying here for a while until we figure out what’s wrong with you.”
“You look just like her.” he said. He closed his eyes and sighed. I didn’t know what to say, so I left. When I reached the door, I turned to him for a moment. He was quietly sobbing. His fist tightly clutched the blanket. I closed the door behind me.

I sat at my desk and looked at my unfinished paperwork. I glanced at the clock. It was nearly 8pm. I sighed and made my way to my locker. I was glad the day was done. I needed my walk.

The walk home that night wasn’t very pleasant. Oh surely, the night was beautiful, but my thoughts always returned to James. All I could see in my mind was him lying there, all alone and sobbing. It made me sick inside. I promised myself that I would make an effort to try and help him. Still, I had never seen someone so miserable. He seemed so out of place here in New Liberty. It was as though our Eden was being overrun with large black clouds, like it was being tainted with a great sadness. His sadness kept me up that night. Something about that man shook me to my core. I hoped that he would be more talkative the next day. I said a small prayer for him. Sleep came soon after that.

The walk to work that following morning cheered me up. Walks always did that to me. They helped balance me. It was cool and there was a light drizzle. I remember seeing a group of young children as they were headed to school. They were teasing each other and their laughter was like soothing music to my ears. The old church on Bailey Street rang its bells, their melodic sound echoed through the forests and high up into the mountains. Another beautiful day in New Liberty.

As I put away my things in my locker, I heard the news that the old man awoke from his coma and that he was being sent home. I smiled, thankful that another one of my patients lived through his trauma. My mind immediately went to James. I was anxious to see how he was doing. I decided to stop by the cafeteria before seeing him; I thought some good soup would cheer him up.

At the cafeteria, I placed a bowl of hot chicken soup on a tray, along with some crackers. It smelled delicious. Beverley always was a tremendous cook. I made a mental note to stop by later to see how she was doing. As I walked through the crowd to the exit, I saw Jake sitting at his usual spot, having a coffee. He looked up at me and gestured for me to go see him. I smiled and nodded.

“So how are we doing this morning, Jake?” he seemed amused by my presence.
“I’m doing okay. I have a message for you from your newest patient in the ICU.” he said as took a sip from his coffee.
“James? What did he want?” I asked curiously.
“He said he’d like to see you as soon as it would be convenient for you.”
“I was just on my way up there.” I said. I pointed at the tray. “This is for him, actually. I thought it might cheer him up.” He smiled at me when I told him that.
“Well that’s nice of you, Abby. Make sure to let me know how he’s doing.”
“Will do. Later, Jake.”
“Always a pleasure, Abby.” he smiled at me as I left. That smile always got to me.

I made my way back to James’ room and knocked on the door. I heard a faint ‘come in’, and I opened the door. I walked in and placed the tray on the end table. I sat on the chair next to his bed. He simply stared at me in quiet. It felt like he was looking into me, which made me uncomfortable. I pointed at the tray.

“Brought you something. Figured you could use a warm meal.” I said as I put on my most comforting smile. His eyes darted to the tray, then back to me.
“Thank you, miss. That smells great.”
“Please”, I said as I took a spoonful of soup and gently put it to his lips, “Call me Abby.”
His eyes never left me as he swallowed the soup. He smirked, which surprised me.
“That’s some delicious soup, Abby. Thank you very much for bringing it to me.” he said faintly.
I could see a bit of his strength returning. His face had a little more color. His eyes seemed less empty.
“You’re welcome, James. I just wanted to help you feel better.” His reaction, again, surprised me. A few tears fell from his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” was all I could say.
“It’s just been so long since someone has taken the time to do something kind for me.” he wept. I felt so bad for him, he seemed so alone. I placed a hand on his, Lord was he ever cold. He tensed up and wept some more. I kept my eyes on him, smiling.
“I have not been touched in years.” The statement shocked me. How could that be? I mean, everyone gets touched, right? I think he could sense my disbelief because he wiped his tears with his free hand and had a look that said ‘I’m about to tell you a story’.
“I’m about to tell you things that I haven’t told anyone in a long, long time.” his eyes searched mine, perhaps to see if I’d listen.
“I’m here, James. I’m here to listen.” I said. Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I was about to experience.

“It was the summer of 1953. One day while I was walking in the park, I met a dream. She was sitting alone by the river. She turned around and smiled at me. Her smile was brighter than the sun; her green eyes sparkled like the ocean. God, she was beautiful. I sat next to her and introduced myself. She told me her name was Caroline. Caroline. Just saying it brings me warmth. We talked and talked. Hours just flew by. It was like everything faded from existence but us. It was the most wonderful feeling. The next thing I knew, we were holding each other as the sun rose. I remember just looking at her, feeling so great. I remember how nice her hair smelled, how soft her skin was, how safe her touch made me feel. But the thing I’ll never forget is that look she had in her eyes. The look that’s so powerful that words become meaningless and all your worries just disappear. The look that says ‘I accept you’. It’s undeniable. That moment, when we stared into each other’s eyes, I knew how lucky I was.” he was fighting to hold back his sadness. I squeezed his hand and urged him to continue.

“Two years later. The two best years of my life. We were both twenty. We talked about living together, building a life together. The thought of a life spent with her by my side thrilled me. I knew that our love was something special. Free of possessiveness, jealousy and insecurity. Free of all the things that taint love these days.” he was trying desperately not to break down. I felt myself holding back tears.
“But it seems that something so perfect just wasn’t meant to last. In 1955, she was taken from me.” he didn’t bother trying to hold back his tears now. I felt a few warm tears escape my eyes. I held onto his hand.

“We were walking together at the park we met two years earlier. Some men came up to us and attacked us. They…” he was sobbing very loudly now. His sadness bared its ugly face to me.
“The paramedics said that I was the “lucky one”, I was only stabbed in the shoulder. But, my Caroline was stabbed in the chest. She died in my arms. I felt the life that had captivated me for the last two years slip through my fingers. A large part of me left with her.” I found myself weeping with him.

“I’m so sorry James.” I whispered tearfully. I pulled him close and hugged him, hearing his sobs in my ear. I’ll never forget what he told me after.

“Don’t let the sadness of the world taint your life, Abby. If there is any pain inside of you, don’t let it eat away at you. Don’t make the same mistake I made. Never let the darkness snuff out your light. Let it shine, always.”

Looking back at it now, I realize that he must have gotten closure when he told me what troubled him so. I wish I could tell you that he got better, but life isn’t a fairy-tale. Sometimes, things just don’t end the way we want them to. And when things go bad, we can’t allow ourselves to be taken over by the bad. James taught me that. He taught me that even though the world is shrouded in darkness, nothing can snuff out a person’s inner light.

Thank you, James.