"A Rock!"

So there I am looking out towards the horizon waiting..waiting..waiting. First Captain walked up to me.Pause.Salute. I saluted back and he began with "Sir," if only I knew what he was about to say I may have stopped him. "they're here." Those words forever changed my life."What the hell!? Is that a rock!?," I was pointing to a rock. "Uhhhh..Sir?" I leaped up and started screaming "Kill it! Kill it!" First Captain was bewildered( I know because I could see it in his expression ).But I had sincere faith in First Captain. He pulled out his .45 and fired three shots directly upon the evil being. "Sir!," he shrieked."I can't kill it!" There was only one explanation why the rock wouldn't die. "It's bulletproof! Get an Air Strike on this exact location now!" "Sir! Wait! There's another explanation why the rock won't die!" I was perplexed. "First Captain, I'm perplexed!" "I know Sir." "Tell me this 'other explanation'," He crouched down and motioned for me to do the same...then he said quietly,"Sir, the rock isn't alive"Now I was bewildered, "Not alive?" That could only mean one thing, "It's dead! Oh No! The rock is dead! Call an ambulance! Call 9-1-1!! Does anyone know CPR!?" "Sir, it doesn't matter." "It doesn't matter? How can you say such a thing of course it matters!" "Sir, it never did matter." "It never mattered! It never mattered!" How could First Captain say such a thing? "How can you say such a thing First Captain?" "Because Sir, the rock is just a thing." It all started to make sense just then."Just...a...thing..?" "Yes Sir, just a thing." He walked over and picked up the rock. I was staring at him bewildered by his confidence. He tossed it up lightly and caught it. He repeated this a few times and finally said,"See nothing to worry about." I was glad to have First Captain around he was so reliable."I'm glad to have you around First Captain you are so reliable" "I know Sir. I know."