I was seven when evil first came to me. . .
| Prologue |
I was seven when evil first came to me. I sensed its cold presence. I felt the room grow still. As the darkness grew around me, I encountered the battle for my soul. I could see nothing. I felt lost and confused. When the word of the Lord came to me concerning my future, a still small voice travelled on the wind and the earth stirred in response to the gentleness of its commanding authority.
I know the plans I have for you, I heard Him say to me. Plans of peace and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then shall you call upon me and come and pray unto me. I will hearken unto you. You shall seek and find me, when you search for me with all your heart.
God’s presence enveloped me, protected and cradled me against the hand of the enemy.
I couldn’t see Him, but I felt Him as close as I felt my own heart beating within my chest and my faith, placed unwaveringly in His hands, grew like a sprout from the earth, watered by his agape love.
At the age of nine, another attack came for my soul. By then I knew the yearnings of men who couldn’t control themselves. I recognized the hands that slipped under my tunic and the unwelcome touches that ventured my body. I eventually became aware of the ugliness of sin---their sins. I also became aware of my own helplessness; though I could not comprehend why I was so utterly pathetic. Why was I so vulnerable? Why was I such an easy target? Why wouldn't it stop? Maybe it was the lump of fear formed in my throat that restricted any chance for steady breathing or my eagerness to please by being obedient. Could it be that my flesh reacted to the desires of the carnal side within? Only God knew.
I know the plans I have for you. I heard Him say to me.
Plans, what plans? Plans of peace and not to harm me, you say?
Evil visited me more each night. I felt the demons around me. I felt angels that protected me. I felt the battle.
As the years droned on, there was only so much evil I could withstand, and I no longer wanted to know the Almighty One's plans. I tried to forget the many faces, unwanted presences and the many hands that touched me. The scars, however, were not easy to erase. They weren’t physical, or easily seen. They were scars of the heart, scars that ran deep; scars that I feared were incapable of healing. I thought that I was not normal anymore. A tear trickled down my face. Do I feel? I wondered. I had bad thoughts, secretly did wicked things and above all, I did not want to care nor did I wish to understand the Almighty One’s plans. I wondered, if I gave into the evil one’s devices, would God still have plans for me? Would He still protect me if I chose to follow the callings of my flesh? Would He still love me if I become a woman full of sins?
I’ve taken the road of no return. . .no one knows my story; no one knows how Christ found me. This is my story; this is my walk with God.