by bob county
Rated: 18+ · Short Story · Entertainment · #1941689
Is Superman a criminal?
Eugene Herdfield appeared to be no one of consequence.
Most people felt he was boring and stupid. Eugene made a living
draining septic systems and smelled of shit. He really wasn't very
nice either. But, Eugene was not human. He was from another
dimension. In his universe he was like a God. His strength was emense
and his powers of E.S.P and healing were supernatural.
But, he didn't care about anything except sex and beer.
Honestly, he did not care about anyone; not even his wife and kids
that he left behind in his alternate dimension. He was such a louse.
One day a beautiful lady came to his house to present foreclosure
papers. Eugene snorted, "I'm a God! Go fuck yourself!" The lady smiled
and left the papers on the porch under a pile of beer boxes.
Eugene decided to rob a bank and he didn't use his superior knowledge
of science either. He dug a tunnel up into the bank vault and took all the money.
Then, he took the money and deposited it into an off shore account.
Eugene was a million heir. He paid off all his bills and had lots of sex and beer.
But, he felt cheated... Where were his worshipers? A God should have
religion and followers.
Eugene made up an internet church~ The Church of Ass Kickers.
The first commandment was "Thou Shalt Worship Only Eugene."
Amazingly, his church was popular with many college students and
retail employees. Eugene gave his followers a list of things to do to get
stuff and a happy life. If they had lots of stuff, then Eugene would sell them
a subscription to his website ~ "I Got Great Stuff For Sale."
A popular items was a Pocket Pussy with a vibrator Long John Silver.
Eugene rented out his home to slave followers, who would do anything
to sleep on his floor. He called them Crew Trainers. He had fun with that.
One day a baby carriage rolled down the walk in front of Eugene. The mother
screamed "Save my Baby!" Eugene watched as the baby carriage hopped off
the sidewalk and slammed under a bus. The baby was splattered everywhere.
Eugene never left his stoop and popped another beer cap. A follower asked
why Eugene did nothing. He replied: "I am not a baby sitter."
His depraved indifference for the baby's welfare made the evening news
broadcast. "This great doctrine of Eugene Herdfield has allowed and innocent
baby to be pulverized by a school bus. Charges of accessory to murder have
been filed. Eugene response to these charges was an obscene tirade."
's trial was swift and he was sentence to life in prison. He laughed
at the judge and walked out the courthouse despite a hail of gunfire from the
police. Eugene was a hunted man, who felt no need to hide. He was unrepentant,
"A God does whatever he pleases."
Eugene's defiance of authority made him an overnight pop celebrity.
His church grew globally. And many of his followers sacrificed their babies to him:
rolling them in baby carriages into traffic. "It is Divine Providence." one mother said
as she shoved her baby into a baby carriage and let it roll freely into traffic.
The baby and carriage were flattened by a Dorito truck. The driver swerved off
into a van of Baptist, who had been protesting at an abortion clinic. All of the
Baptist survived, but the Dorito driver was crushed by boxes of Doritos.
Eugene proclaimed the day ~ "Free Dorito Day."