All colors, no colors. Surrounded by nothing, surrounded by everything.
| I'm no soldier. I've fought no wars. I've seen none of my friends die. But I know pain.|
I want to tell you about the worst pain there is, worse than losing a leg to a stray bullet, worse than being stabbed by your friend. I want to tell you about the pain of loneliness.
Once, I was happy. I had loving friends, I had a loving girlfriend. That was the time, when I could feel emotions. And I felt emotions. Sure, I was depressed, but even that is an emotion. Now, I feel nothing. The emptiness seeps into my soul, devouring every feeling, every pain. My body numb, I feel nothing, nothing at all.
I loved her. I still love her. I will love her. There's nothing that can change how I feel about her. Do you know the feeling that you get, when you lie next to someone, comfortable and safe? What happens when that someone seeks comfort from someone else? What happens, when your left alone, with no one to comfort you?
This isn't a love letter. It shouldn't be read as one. This is... a public service announcement, to everyone who believes that their life is great. This is a letter of cynicism and nihilism, a belief that nothing is sacred and nothing matters. This is my story.
When we were together, we lived as one. We shared the happiness, we shared the pain. But, as we grew distant, we cut the constant stream of emotions. I don't know how she's doing today; I haven't spoken to her in years; but I know how I'm doing today. If "fine" were neutral, I would be doing fine. If "neutral" is neutral, I am doing neutrally. But even the one word that means total indifference has a ring to it. Even that one, simple word can pick a side. And I'm without side.
I don't want to angst. I don't want empathy. I just want to feel. If living is feeling, I guess I'm dead. All around me are walls, white walls filled with holes. These holes show me the bright sunlight outside, but they're not large enough for me to exit through. Physics say that white light is every color, blended together. So maybe these walls are all colors, I just can't see it.
Over a year, we were together. Of my short time on this Earth, it was the best time. I laughed, I cried. We laughed, we cried. They say a kiss can last an eternity, but I say loneliness lasts an eternity of eternities. A life behind walls, colored by the sunlight outside, is a life with borders. You might shine bright with sunlight, but inside the walls block everything off.
I hate her, for leaving. I hate myself, for not trying. I hate nothing, I hate everything. I can wake up, my eyes filled with tears, just to lose all emotions. But, during this short eternity of emotions, I see her. I feel her. We were one, now I'm one without another. This, and much more, I feel during this time. But then reality strikes, and that frenzy of emotions is gone.
There are songs I would like to cite. There are stories I would like to tell. But they're not mine. Mine is only the emptiness that colors the walls colorless, that colors the walls all colors. Everything and nothing. Emotions and darkness. One and null.
I don't hate. I don't love. I lie, I deceive. I bring no pain, no comfort; only emptiness and emotionlessness. But I show a side of me that laughs...that loves. The third side, so to speak. The third side of the two-sided face. I follow no social rules, not in my mind. But I show a side of my following all rules, my spreading happiness and humor.
I am, but not me. I have been me. Now, I'm just a shell, filled with a vacuum. I've fought no wars, but I am fighting a battle. A battle without a cause.