|I awoke knowing that today was the day you would be joining us. I walked around and around the house for 12 hours waiting for you. Wondering what you would look like. What sort of person you would be when you grew up. |
I knew you were already a girl and i knew your name. My love for you was already so strong. I had loved you from the very beginning.
Your pa watched me moving restlessly around, he could see when i had a pain. I am sure he felt every one of them, like they were his own.
The day stretched out from dawn to dusk, my legs were hurting, my back was sore from standing all of the day. I couldn't quite get comfortable if i sat down or even if i thought about stretching out on the couch or even on my bed, i knew it would not be possible to be comfortable, because today was finally here, and i was excited.
I could feel you, knew you would be here soon. I felt so calm about what was about to happen.
The time had come, pa waved me off, said he would see me tomorrow. He couldn't face the pain i was about to go through, even though he knew that when the pain went away you would be here.
I was calm as i waited to go into the room. The pain was coming faster and stronger. They asked me if i wanted some pain relief i said no.
I moved around i still couldn't get comfortable, you were coming now. It was not much longer now until i finally met you.
I reached back and held on tight to your dad as you moved forward and come out into the light. It really was love at first sight.
You were finally here our little bundle of joy. You were perfect in every way. Ten little fingers and ten little toes. You smelled devine.
We took you home and you began to grow. Your smile had me captivated. Your never ending love for me made me feel whole.
I watched you grow from baby to toddler to preschooler. You had your very own personality. You had my heart in your little hand, you were the reason i got out of bed every morning.
You moved through primary school into secondary school. I watched you grow, i saw you becoming a woman. I saw you struggle with the growing and the changing.
I always held your hand and gave you hugs when you were sad. I cheered you on and encouraged you to be the best that you could be.
You finished school. It was a relief to have got through those twelve years. I was so proud of you.
I thought you were ok, i went on a holiday, came back to find that you didnt like me anymore that your never ending love was gone.
I felt lost and empty. Everyone told me that one day you would be a mother and you would see me differently.
You became a mother, i was so excited for you. I wished you lived closer. I wanted to be a part of all of it, like my mother had been when i was waiting for you.
You kept your distant only gave me information when you felt like it. I felt starved.
When he was born, i could not be there, he came out quicker than we thought. I was constantly texting and calling giving you the support that is expected from one mother to another.
I cried when i finally held you in my arms just as i had the day we first met. Your son is amazing and he is the spitting image of you. I cry again, because it feels like the day you came into my life.
I watch you with him, and see how calm you are with him, the same as i had been with you when you were so young.
My time comes to an end, i have to go home again. I finally think now she will want to be close to me again.
You never call me. You never ask questions unless i have called you. You make me feel alone again.
Then just sometimes you send me a picture make me feel like we are on the mend, then bam pow wham its all gone again.
I am tired, i am sad, but my love is still so strong. I am not calm now, my world is broken.
I will mend, its not how i thought our life would be, when i held you in my arms for the first time, when i looked down into your perfect little face. I always thought our love would be stong.
I will be bide my time. I will wait and see if you will come back to me. You are an adult now you have your own family. You will no doubt have moments where you will think of me and maybe one day understand my love for you. Until then my sweet i will always love you.