From Broken To Beloved

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On Saturday Feb 17th, 2018 I decided that I was going to commit suicide. I quickly devised a plan which was to use the jumprope that was sitting on my husabands dresser to hang myelf from the celing fan in our bedroom. With tears streaming down my face, I got up walked over to his dresser picked up the jumprope and stepped up onto the bed. But, I couldnt reach the celing fan...then before I could think about what to do next, I heard my husband comming up the steps. I quickly returned the jumprope to his dresser and sat back down on the bed. As I didnt want him to know what I had just attempted.....But wait...lets pause...how did I get here?
Six months ago I was working full time, Planning a fashion show, life was busy but it was good....so where did it all go so horribly wrong. Well I have to go back...way...way back ....

Chapter 1: Blast to the past

As we arrived at my fathers funeral, I felt aqward, lost, scard. He was my father and I was his baby daughter. As I walked in I looked around. I seen a few of my siblings sitting up front.My chest got tight, the air became instantly thin,...I could feel my heart beginning to race.... Breath..Just Breath....I seen a few people looking at me as I took my seat. ..I hugged my sisters and seen my older brother comming into the sactuary, he came over to me and greeted me with a warm hug. Before the service started my brother began introducing me to some family members, on my dad's side. As I happy to be meeting them. I was sad that this was the 1st time that I had met them.
I sat next to my older brother Terrance and his wife. As the service started I began to cry. ( I told myself I wouldnt) Not just for his death. Because of several different emotions that were hitting me all at once, and so fast.
You see, I wasnt rasied by my parents, and I had heard several diffent stories but none of them were true.
As I listened to them talk about his life and achievemnts. I continued to cry. Because for so many years I had thought he was crap, and now I sit in his funeral and found out that he was a great man. In all of the 4 times I met him, I spent very little time with my father. And in those times, he didnt talk about his past with me. He Never talked about his relationship with my mother or what happend that he and my mother parted ways. I did know that my father drank, and he drank alot. And I knew that because I seen it for myself. But I never judged me.
I cried from my heart that I had missed several chances to talk to him. And that I would never get another chance.
My brother seeing me crying, brought my husband up to sit with me and comfort me. Once the funeral ended, we had the repas in the back of the church. I didnt speak to my mom, I wanted to, but I didnt know what to say. I had way to many emotions, and she was already dealing with alot. The week before 3 people died in my family. My cousins father, my mom's brother and my father. Part of my emotions was that I was losing family that I never even had the chance to meet.
Now, Im going to pause about my fathers funeral, up until this point, I personally felt that my entire life has been full of rejection, and that rejection, showed up over and over and over again.
Being adopted for me personally was a struggle. Althogh I was officially adoped when I was 5. I had been through several foster homes, and I was told that my foster home in Amish country wasnt so great. Pictures show me having short hair, to which I remember being picked on for.
Most of my life I always wanted to know where I belonged because I never seemed like I fit anywhere. My adoptive family treated me well. But I struggled with many things. And even though they were a good, kind family. I felt rejected, I began smoking and hanging out with the wrong crowd.
In high school I was aqward, rejected. I started using drugs, casually, drinking, partying. I got a boyfriend I thought he liked me, but I was wrong. He set me up to get raped....at the time I didnt know it, but I found out in Nov of 2017, he admitted. I was devistated.
Anyways, I barley graduated, and a group of my friends where going into the army. So realizing I wasnt getting in to college..I went into the army. Halfway through basic training, they found I had a muscle disease, and gave me a cash out. Another rejection.
I ended up in California, with my niece. She lived off base. I struggled to find a job, but I did find myself in trouble. We went to a party. I met a man, who made me feel amazing. We dated. I loved him. I want to believe that he loved me too. Then I think back " Am I just saying that to make myself feel better?" I always wonder. But when I look back at this page of my life, I can see that I was very insecure. Would call him all the time, and I would get angery when he wouldnt call me back. So, I was still living with my niece, when I found out I was pregnant. I was scard, but inside I was beyond excited.
But, a few months later I found myself, homeless with nothing but my baby and my clothes. My niece got reassigned and my baby's dad disappeared. My niece and I heard about a young Mothers womens home in Indio, Ca and I was welcomed into the home with open arms. Although I was happy to have a roof over my head I was saddend that I had family in California and I couldnt go stay with them. But I never openly spoke about it. I just took it as another rejection, swallowd my pain and moved forward.
Mariams's House, was good to me. The director at the time was named Carolyn, she was an absolute angel. I met a silly, girl who became my best friend. And I needed a best friend.
Xavior was due on Aug 22, he was born on June 16. He wasnt breathing on delivery and his lungs were underdeveloped. When I finally found my boyfriend. He gave me excuses, on why he couldnt, come to the hospital...But all my heart heard, was more rejection.
Xavior stayed in the hospital for some time. Upon his discharge I returned to Mariam's house.
I then moved to Culp Ranch, which was absolutely beautiful. But It was in the middle of the Twentynine Palms Desert. As much as it was heaven, it was lonely. I did make a friend a male friend. We slept togeather a few times, but it was just that. He wasnt really interested in me. But wait, I once again reached out to Reggie, but he was rooming with a bunch of guys from his church and was seeming to not take any responsibility for his son, or any interest in me. I once again felt rejected.
By the time I ended up back in Pennsylvania. I was an emotional mess. But I finally got stable. I moved into Eastmont estates across from an old high school friend named Tina, and we became fast friends.
While living at Eastmont I met Josh, I once again, fell for him..but he fell for drugs, and I not only was rejected but I was abused. When I found out I was pregnant...I felt an extreme amount of rejection, when the church I was attending, requested that I step down from the praise team. They had just cause but at that time, I again heard and felt rejection. Then I moved out of Eastmont into a new townhouse, I had a great job as an account rep at a company. I was feeling amazing. In this place, the neighbors where my friends, and I made one friend name Tameeka we hung out all the time during the summer. And during that same summer I once again found myself in and out of several relationships. All, of them ended with me being rejected. One relationship in perticular I fell hard for an older man who in the beginning told me he was 36 with 3 kids and that his wife had passed. He perposed I said yes and was none the wiser. I quickly found out the truth, he was 51, with 8 kids and he left me the weekend we were to be married. His other women attended the same college that I did. And I had to watch him carry her books, and hold her hand, knowing he was to me my husband weeks earlier. I couldnt handle the rejection. I became extremly depressed, dropped out of school.
The pain of rejection runs deep. At this point I was just numb. So when Elaine reached back out to me at the end of that summer, asking me to retuen to Twentynine palms, I agreed. But I didnt plan my finances correctly and got to Cali. empty handed. Unable to find a job and pay elaine her rent within 4 month I was out of her house on the mountain and in a roach infested one bedroom apartment. I ended up losing everything I owned in that apartment and moved into another shelter in Twentynine Palms. Then I ended up movng in with a friend of mine, the friend from Mariam's house. Melissa.
Melissa lived in palm Springs at the time. After living togeather, and being the best of friends I could easily say that I loved her like a sister. And then, it began, some new feelings came creeping in, feelings that I couldnt even explain or rationalize. See, growing up in a christan household our faith said that homosexuality was a sin. And my family was strict. I spoke to melissa about my feelings for her and we played around a bit. But I believed in my heart that my family would never accept that I was a lesbian...emotionally I was so beyond broken. I deeply in my heart wanted Reggie to love me so so bad. I actually called him on the phone and told I had a girlfriend..he was shocked, but didnt beg me to be with him.
My relationship with Reggie, ( or the lack there of) would put me on an internal emotional rollercoster for years to come.
Long story short I lost my kids, become hospitalized and found myself homeless with nothing. By this time, Reggie was no where to be found. ( Actually he was in jail, but i didnt find that out till several years later)
But for me...I was already a hot mess. I litterally wondered through life. I was put on a bus back to pa, and was told, never come back to California. I was heartbroken.
None of my family in California had reached out to help me. I once again felt rejected. Comming back to Pa was not cakewalk either. I went into a shelter, Welcome Home. It wasnt a bad place. I made some friends.
But old habits die hard, and my soon came back to haunt me. I was desprate to get my kids back. They were currently staying with family, who at that perticular time werent too fond of me.
I always thought about what I did in my life to make everyone hate me so deeply.
So I left the shelter managaged to get an apartment, and get my kids back , with the help of my new boyfriend ( who is currently my husband).
Now, your probly wondering how we met. For the sake of truth, he was basically my pimp for a few weeks, then he decided that he really liked me he wasnt going to be my pimp anymore. He used to always tell me. " Why do u do this..... Its not who you are" and my reply would be "Prostitiuting is what I do, it will never be who I am" Now I have honestly held on this truth...and I belive its so true for everyone, our profession is what we do..it an action that we take to provide for our family. Its not ingrained in us. Prostituting was something that I did to earn quick money to feed my children, and pay my rent..but who I was....I was a lost young women who honestly believed in God, and deeply loved my children, but I was emotionally broken. So broken that I couldnt see that i worth so much more that the dollar that my jon's would pay me.